White Fence
by Sombereyes
Summary: They were victims of circumstance, led on by their past mistakes. A shared fate gifts hope for redemption, but, it's up to Natsuki and Shizuru to decide if they want to reach out, and grasp onto the fragments of the past. It may be Shizuru's only chance to make up for what she's done. Can she be forgiven? Can Natsuki learn to love? Can what was lost be found? AU. Shiz/Nat.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Got bored again, as we can very well tell. THis idea was driving me nuts for weeks, and I really wanted to get it onto paper. Anyway, I hope you all like this first chapter. The story is going to be an emotional roller coaster...I'm warning you all of that right now. If you wanna ride the waves so to speak, read on...but, if you're a soft, hopeless romantic...be warned this is one of those sappy, dramatic, lovey-dovey, passionate things that you'll likely either love, or hate... I hope out of the two, it's the former...but you know know how I get with fictions like this.

This chapter is Natsuki POV heavy...after this chapter, it's no so much from her point of view and there's more character interaction. Though, I do like POV additives to the things I write, it won't be quite so one sided later on.

Anyway, onward to the first chapter!

I don't own Mai HIME.

* * *

**White Fence:  
Chapter One  
**(Natsuki POV)

Pale, soft lips that glisten ever so slightly in the morning sun.  
Her laugh, something full of melody, even at my expense.  
The serenity that follows her around, as if she were a goddess, astounds me.  
The way her eyes darken with the hints of lust, whenever I whisper her name, calls to me.  
It's her trembling voice.  
Her monotone that calms me.  
Her mind that inspires me.  
It's a woman that plagues my thoughts, and invades my dreams.

No longer, can I rely on the faithful methods of my past. Closing my eyes, and trailing my hand lower down my body does nothing. Even though my essences is heated and moist, even though I long to be held...to be touched, to be loved by another...I find that she is a fleeting soul that I can't possibly understand, and I will never have such a chance in hell to win her affections. It's futile...another lonely night in bed, more desires that will never see the light of day.

What pulls me to her? I'm sure, that it could only be considered fate. Even if it wasn't, I will accept that life has once again given me a gift...yet it taunts me, showing me, what I ought not to have.

They say a woman is like a flower, and that, she only blooms once, if at all...perhaps that's true. I don't really know, to be quiet honest. I've had a busy life, filled with plenty of things, people...and even different kinds of love. The love of friends, and family...just never romance. I've kinda taken this stubborn pride about myself, that I can take on the world as a single woman. I've been around the block a few times, had a few brushes with something that I thought might be love...turned out, it was just lust...or teenaged confusion.

I can understand that, now, upon reflection.

As a teen, I even had a boyfriend, though, we mostly just fought. We wanted to be friends more than lovers, so that didn't last at all. I has a few girlfriends too, but when I took them home, well my idea of home...so they could meet my idea of what a family was...well, let's just say I scared away what few dating prospects that I had. Now when I say that to most people, they start laughing at me. What could be so bad after all? Well firstly, I hung around a bad group of people anyway...there were a few decent friends that I've kept over the years, but most of the teens I grew up with were jerks.

That had the largest part to play.

The second thing is, most people didn't think like me. Teens, they don't often have this sense of responsibility for those around them. Most of my friends back then, they held out their hand, waiting for bills to walk into their palm. I'm sure I would have at least tried to do that too, but I didn't have anyone to ask. I never had any parents either, so that was the first problem. The second problem, was that my idea of family, well, it was a makeshift ideal, and the only understanding of the world that I had.

See, when I was sixteen, there was this...incident...of sorts. For lack of a better way to say this, I kinda turned into a parent over night. Yes...I do realize how completely idiotic it sounds. Hell, if it hadn't been me, I wouldn't have believed it either. Anyway, leaving the facts of how that even happened aside, lets just say most people don't want to date a teen mom. I didn't get that, and yeah, that was poor planning on my part. I didn't think about it, the ramifications were lost on me.

I would bring perspective girlfriends to meet what I would call family. They would expect something really exciting, I'm sure...but then, they'd walk into whatever rundown place we were hiding in, look inside of it, and see kids...very young children stumbling around, and they'd frown at me...they'd break up with me a few days later, if they hadn't on the spot. I never really understood it, because it seemed so natural to me, but again, I'm not like everyone else.

I can still remember the first day that I'd met them.

The rain was soft on the cool autumn day...I remember that, because I was trying to put duck tape on a leaking part of the roof. A buddy of mine, her name was Nao, she'd been bitching about some idiotic thing that was going on in home room class. I always skipped school, and she did too, when she thought class was absolutely worthless. So, there I was, trying to patch part of the roof, when we kept hearing this odd sound coming from outside of the building. Now the warehouse wasn't in a safe district, hell, it didn't even have running water, or lights. The only reason I used to hide there, was so that no one would catch me.

Though, when the area got bad, I ran away from it. We thought it was another street fight or something, and since I didn't really want any part of that, we decided to leave the hiding spot alone for a while. That was our usual way to deal with things. The funny thing about that, is after I'd met the babies, we never actually returned to the warehouse ever again. In fact, sometimes, I really think this was fate.

Anyway, perhaps that's just the years of memories talking.

There was an old chapel not far from where we were. I would hang out there occasional, but mostly I left it well enough alone. See, it was smack dab in the middle of town. Uptown, was safe...downtown, well, it had it's places of safety, and it's slums. We thought we would crash there for a while, and rest in the church pews. Honestly, looking back, I should have given more thought to it. We stayed there until nightfall, and Nao, being the constant runaway that she liked to be, never went home.

It was late into the night, when we heard crying coming from the front of the building, but we were in the back, near the old rooms for the convent. After we heard the door knocking a few more times, it finally stopped. Nao and were thanking the gods for peace, until it had started on the back door, near to where we were. I'd looked out, trying to see what was happening, but the streetlamps were shoddy in that part of the town. All I could see was a shadowed figure holding something. She seemed to circle the building a few times, confused I think, since Nao and I were making a ton of racket.

I thought to open the door, I really did...but Nao and I had thought better of it.

The streets are a dangerous place, and even though I knew it was just some girl, she was too pretty to not have a home. Her pale lips glistened just ever so slightly, I noticed, when she'd gone around, back to the front door. Walking in constant circles. I wondered what a girl like her was doing in a place like this. I didn't find out until a few hours later, when daybreak was just touching the sky. I'd slept like shit, and when I finally opened the back door, the girl that had been there was hiding behind the corner.

I didn't think of it back then, it didn't put the pieces together...if I did, I would have ran after her when she began to run. Instead, I felt guilty, looking at my feet. If I'd have opened the door sooner, if I'd tried to take the girl in, they wouldn't be alone. I remember thinking about that type of thing for the longest time. I always wanted to kick myself, because I knew from the look in her eyes, that she had loved them. You can never really forget that type of gaze, and I, being the person that I was...felt completely responsible for what my life had put in front of me.

I figured, we were all orphans at that point...me and those two defenseless babies.

The only difference was that I was older...I knew what it was like, being without a family. I didn't want them to know the same thing...so, I decided they would be mine...I would raise them as my own. I never knew their real names, but then, I realized, these kids, they didn't have much. I went to a few offices, but they didn't even have a family register. So, as a stupid sixteen years old, I sighed away on the dotted line...gave everything up, for these two little shits in my life.

At the time, they were infants, only a few months old.

My friends told me I couldn't do it...others told me I was crazy...but I didn't care. I didn't want to put them any place else. I wanted them to be safe, and protected by something. I dunno, maybe it was pity, or, just that I was lonely too. Either way, it didn't matter. I wanted them to be happy...I wanted to fill the void. So, I did...the how's and why's of back then...well, they're lost to me now. That was so long ago...

As I watch these teens that they've become, I can't help but smile. My son and daughter, walking forward into such a sate in their lives, I see every misgiving, and every triumph.

My daughter is a second year in middle school, she was held back for a year. She got suspended several times for fighting, and failed most of her classes...I wonder, oddly enough, who she could learned that from. My son is a third year, right where he should be. They both pick up my bad habits, they've both skipped class, and it's a fight to get them to even turn in their homework. Though, in all honesty, I have more of a problem with my daughter, who seems to talk back to every teacher in the building.

Hell, I did the same thing...I can't blame her, I'm not a hypocrite like that.

I love them both, with all of my heart...dear gods...there are times I reflect on that, and the things I realize, only make me love them all the more.

I realize how as a teen, I always thought I'd be without love...you know, those breakups were hard on me, but I would go home and I'd see those little eyes. There's nothing like that, seeing people who really need you. Not just for food, and changing diapers, but for comfort. It's funny how every little murmur, or cry, actually means something, and you never really know what it is, until you shut up, and actually listen...

It was like, all of those girls I dated, they didn't want that. They didn't care about others, and only wanted what was convenient for them at the time...but, life isn't about convenience...it's about love, and hardship...struggling to find one thing that can make you happy...the babies taught me that.

I never really knew how important family was, until I has this crying infant in my arms, and no real idea what to do with it. I still have the old bassinet they were left in. The paint has started to chip, but when I look at it, I can almost hear the sounds of them crying again. Those were the times I felt the weakest. The nights they wouldn't go to sleep, and I would pace back and forth all damned night. Sometimes, Nao would help, she would take the boy, I would take the girl, and together, we'd walk back and forth along the rows of pews.

I did it so much back then, that I could actually do it with my eyes closed.

It was nights like that, when I'd considered several times, to leave the babies with the convent down the road. If it wasn't for the support of a few people, I just might have abandoned them myself. Instead however, I decided that I'd find their mother. I kept trying to track her down, but I could never find her. She was gone, just like that, she was out of our lives.

Time went on, and one thing led into another. First steps, and words, things I always took for granted, seemed so different in their eyes. I never understood how scary the night could be, until I had some pain in the ass kid screaming at me, saying there was a monster under the bed. Life just continued each passing day, like this one.

Me with two teens, who look nothing like me, sharing in a morning before they go off to school, and I, off to work...it's funny, because today will seem like forever, but tomorrow, is really only a scant few hours away.

…

It was another morning right before the start of school. Lunches were made, school bags were packed, and once again, the war zone in the kitchen commenced. Today, Natsuki found herself at the ends of her rope. Kane was out late again, and without a phone call to let her know. He'd walked in the door only an hour before, and when scolding him elected little in the way of a response, she finally relented. "Damn it, Kane, don't make me worry. If you're going to be out all night, at least call me." Amidst the flying piece of toast that she tossed across the room and into the trash, her eyes found her son, and sighed at him, lost for any constructive words. "And one last thing..." She pass a box across the counter, and watched as his eye grew wide. "I don't care if you do it, but if you are doing it, be safe...and you can bring her here, if you have no where else to go, you know."

Kane shoved the box of condoms into his coat shyly enough that he didn't dare meet his mother's gaze. "We're going to a movie tonight, after school, we're meeting up at a buddy's house." The admittance earned him his lunch bag as Natsuki sighed. He looked up at the only mother he'd ever known with his chocolate brown eyes. He bit his lip, almost afraid to push the topic. "How did you know?"

Natsuki shook her head. "It doesn't matter." In truth, she hadn't the slightest clue, but she didn't let him know that. "I bought them for you." It was a precaution, a way to open up later conversations. A way to keep him safe if he didn't talk. She was always afraid they wouldn't tell her. That she wouldn't have a hand in protecting them when it mattered most. "Just use them, Kane. I'll buy you more if you ask." He nodded, but true to her fears about him, his quiet nature won over. "I won't pry." Natsuki finally said, yet another conversation with him about sex closed without even a pep.

With that, she glanced at her daughter again. "And as for you, I don't care what the hell you wear out in public, but cut the crap when you're in school." As she said this, she pointed at the skirt the teen had on. "No more suspensions." She all but smirked as her daughter frowned at that, likely to suppress rolling her eyes. "Try to make it through the year without beating someone's face in...even if they deserve to be clobbered." The skirt was short, and it would be a good way to get into trouble. "Go get changed into something knee length, now."

"Why can't I just wear this?" Aki's voice, like that of a soft melody, was so unlike that of her appearance. Her hair colored in a rainbow of pinks and blues, with a few strips of black mixed in. Her lips were never without the darkest of lipstick, and her nails always seemed to be a different color, just as vast as the ways she dyed her hair. Contrary to her outward appearance, Aki was not the rebel she proclaimed herself to be. Natsuki knew what a real rebel was. Aki was just afraid of a lot of things, she was a mommy's girl through thick and thin, even in the worst of attitudes. The skirt she had on, was one of Natsuki's old fashion statements from several years back. "The professor is as blind as a bat anyway."

"He's a pain in the ass." Natsuki sighed out. "That's good enough of a reason to stay on his good side."

"The dude's a total stiff, mom." Aki grumbled crossing her arms. "Even if I do change my outfit, the next thing he'll do is bitch about my hair."

Natsuki could fully agree with the statement. "I don't doubt it." She thought that to be the truth on several occasions. "I'm not telling you this to encourage bad behavior, but that old fart hates anyone with our last name." She found herself without any morning toast, having burnt most of it. She sighed, forgoing her normal routine. "When I was your age, he was a new teacher, his first year in. Nao and I, we really hated him, so we kinda slashed his tires." In truth, that was the least of the trouble they caused, but she wasn't about to tell them the more colorful stories.

"What? No wonder he hates us." Kane started laughing then as he scarfed down the last of his meal, trying his best to keep his mouth closed as he chewed. "Just accept it sis, you're screwed until next year."

"That may be so, but she still has to abide by the rules." Natsuki looked at the clock, as her daughter grabbed a pair of jeans from the wash room. "You'll be late, get a move on." Her son didn't need to be told twice, heading out the back door and jumping over the fence. She shook her head, watching the strands of blond hair waft in the wind as he started running for the bus stop. It wasn't a few moments later when Aki also went running out of the kitchen, slamming the front door behind her. Out front, a friend of Natsuki's waited in a car to take Aki, and her own child to school. Car pooling was a wonderful thing.

With the house quiet, she sipped on the last bit of soda she had in her bottle. It was still early, and she didn't work until the afternoon. With nothing better to do, she stepped outside, her newest neighbor tending idly to her flower garden. Natsuki paused and bit her lip, the green paint on her front door seemed so much more interesting at a time like this. The woman was so beautiful, even with the white hat on, to protect herself from the early morning light. Her pale skin was delicate, and always silky smooth.

"Hey." It was a response Natsuki wished she could make into something more, but she simply couldn't. "Nice day out, isn't it."

"The weather is normally so beautiful this time of year." Shizuru's voice was chipper in the early morning hours. It seemed fleeting often times, but that was because most people who knew Natsuki, knew her family weren't morning people. Natsuki smiled a bit at that, as Shizuru's soft humming made music to their ears. "Kane went running by a few moments ago, he won't be late for school, will he?"

"Who knows?" Being late was an on going occurrence. "I'll find out Monday morning. They're gone for the weekend, so I'm free to do what I please." Natsuki's home was often quiet and lonely without her kids around to cause a commotion. "Kane will be with his girlfriend all weekend, and Aki will probably stay over at her friend's house. They're both so independent, it's like they don't need me around anymore." Natsuki shrugged, ignoring the pain she felt at saying that. "It was bound to happen sooner or later, though, I must admit, sometimes, it gets a bit lonely when they aren't around."

"You're a silly woman, aren't you? Always so foolish. You shouldn't be lonely, Natsuki." Shizuru said then. "Not while I'm here." Shizuru's eyes met Natsuki's as she stood up, licking her lips as she smiled softly. "I won't kiss you out here in the open, or tell you how I really feel. When you come home tonight I'll be waiting for you."

"You're too good to me." Natsuki said softly, taking that hat off of Shizuru's head, to give them some cover. "I don't mind, as long as no one's looking." With that, she pressed her lips gently to Shizuru's, just for the tiniest moment, sharing in a grin afterwords. "I'll see you later?"

"I'll be looking forward to your arrival." Her words, always so neat and eloquent, seemed to drift easily between them. Even when Natsuki placed the hat perfectly back atop of those flaxen tresses, Shizuru seemed to glow. "Don't keep me waiting long, I'll make a roast."

"I'll be there with bells on." Natsuki grinned, then her phone alarm went off, telling her she better start her day.

…  
(Natsuki POV)

Now, this is a newer neighborhood.

We moved in just a few years back. Up until then, it was rental after rental. The twins had to share a room all the time, in fact, they shared a bed too, until they were about ten. I was trying to save up to get us a decent home. A three bedroom house that I could afford finally hit the market. It's small, yeah, but it wasn't like we had a bunch of things. Besides, going from a one bedroom, one bath apartment, into a three bedroom, two bathroom household was a huge jump for us. At first, the other families seemed to trickle in...but most of them were older people, or families with rather young children.

The house next to us remained vacant for several years, mainly because it was the smallest house on the block. We never thought anything of it until the sale sign was ripped from the grass several months back. That's when my life turned upside down.

I remember when I'd first met her. She pulled into her driveway and when she stepped out of the car, I couldn't breath for a moment. I saw the look in her eyes, and something hit me...hard. The woman was beautiful, but that wasn't why I was fixated.

It was her...she was the one that sobbed into the night. I knew that instantly...and at first, I didn't know what to think about it. It was so obvious to me, so much so, that I almost fell flat on my ass.

She looks just like my daughter, Aki...that same accent that wafts so easily in the wind, and those eyes shimmer with unique simplicity. Aki would be her daughter, and Kane would be her son...I know this, for many reasons...but, the most damning piece of evidence came along when offered to help her unpack the boxes from the moving truck. She had photos of them...it could only be them. Aki has a birth mark at the bottom of her foot, and the baby in the photo had the exact same one. Kane is iconic, he has this way about him. As a baby, he always seemed to scowl out of interest. Furrowing his brows for him, was the same thing as Aki trying to see if she could chew on things...or at least dismantle them...for Kane that always came later...that baby boy had his scowl.

When I asked her who those children were, I saw the tears that she tried to keep hidden. I could see, what she didn't want me to see. _"They were once, the most precious thing in my life...but that was long ago."_ That's what she'd said, and I took it for what it was. It was a confession of a women who'd let her children go. For the first time ever in my life, I felt my heart stutter at that. There was so much I wanted to say to her, but, I couldn't. I didn't have the strength at the time. It might have been selfish, but I was afraid that my family would be taken from me.

I had no idea who this woman was, or why she had even decided to leave them alone in the first place. Part of me wanted to hate her...the other part wanted to cry for her. The girl from so long ago, had become my neighbor. Over these few weeks that she's been here, we've been friendly. Still, I feel something that I never thought I'd feel...again, I feel rejection bubbling up within me, as if, she will hate me...I don't like that feeling, because as much as I want to hate her, I can't. Weather she meant to do it or not, she gave me the best gift in the world.

I can't ever hate her, simply because of that.

Friendship came easily for us. At first, we would just banter in the idle moments before I went off to work. She would ask questions about the area, and once, had inquired if she could borrow a few cups of milk, and an egg for her breakfast. I may have just been a bit too friendly, when I invited her into my home to join me. I had the day off that day, and I had made the two of us a rather large meal. We talked away most of the afternoon, shared a bit of our personal lives...things just sort of went on from there.

I'll admit, I'm not exactly the prize catch in the world, and I don't always know what I'm doing, but with Shizuru...it comes naturally, well...mostly at any rate. Still, there are times when fear lingers in the back of my mind, and I remember the truth about Kane and Aki...how those two babies I took care of, how in truth, they're really hers. Her children...her babies...and yet, I think of them as mine...they were her little bundles of joy, but now, they're my whirlwind of hormones and worry. I'm the one who stays up late, hoping they come home safely. I'm the one who tries so hard to protect them, even if I don't know the best ways to do that.

In my eyes, they're old enough to be on their own...so, the longer they stay by my side, the longer they look for my guidance, the more I realize, I was just a kid myself. The term 'babies raising babies' let's just say, it finally makes sense.

One day, I'll have to tell her...I know that, and it'll have to be soon. I just worry. I wonder how everyone would take it. That's my greatest fear.

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And there we have our chapter one...hope you all liked it...


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: there have been requests for flashbacks of Natsuki and Nao taking care of the twins in their earlier days...This chapter wasn't meant for flashbacks, that's actually chapter three... That chapter will be a flashback heavy chapter...So, sorry to say, you'll have to wait until I've edited that one before it can get posted...the reason I did that is because this chapter is a heavy one with lots of deep themes, and in a few ways, it get's a little dark. Chapter three will be your reprieve from that...

At any rate, I hope you enjoy this chapter...

I don't own Mai HiME.

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**White Fence:  
Chapter Two  
**(Natsuki POV)

The chapel was a decent place to hide out, and in all honesty, I was sad when we had to leave it behind. Onwards and upwards were two things, that I admit, scared me when I was a teen. It was easy to get lost in a half baked routine of hardly caring, and fighting the very world around you. There are particular expectations, that I find just can't be met when you're some idiot kid. Especially when you're trying to be such an important person for someone else. Money is one of the bigger issues that seems to come to the surface. Now, you see, being the type of person that I was, from the background of what little I could remember about my family, I knew that the government funding had me well taken care of.

When it cut me off, however, I realized just how important money really was. My diet, which at one point had been filled with fast food, and questionably acquired booze, took a nose dive into the extremely cheep. I'm not talking about the instant noodle packages kind of cheep either. No, that was a luxury I didn't have. I'm talking about cooked rice every night, with nothing of flavor on it...that's the type of cheep I'm talking about. It was all we could afford for the most part, unless Nao got pissed and went to go shoplift some real food. I'm ashamed to say, she and I did that more often than I want to admit.

We also stole the baby formula as well...sometimes we would take our pocket knives to the diaper isle and snag a few out of the bags...we did a lot of things like that/ Had to take care of them somehow.

Anyway, that couldn't last for very long, and since my grades in school had plummeted, I'd considered heavily dropping out...in fact, I did drop out for a few months, as I worked my way into a trade school. I work for a small, independent construction company, because that was the only type of training I could get at the time...being a laborer gave me crappy benefits and minimum wage. The hourly earnings meant pizza boxes were again at my fingertips, and so too, an honest living. Well, as honest as someone like me could get...Nao still stole booze...and broke the machines at the arcade for coins and free playing.

Now, I'm actually a foreman, having built enough experience to be able to look at what needs to be done, without much screwing around. It's a decent way to live, I don't have any complaints...

...

"Oh, come off it." Nao cackled as she sat sideways in her chair, making fun of Natsuki's current situation. She rocked back and forth, the squeaking of the rusted springs, grating on their ears. "When was the last time you got laid?"

"It depends on what you're talking about." Natsuki rolled her eyes as she went about collecting the pink slips of paper that littered her desk. "If you mean the drunken stupor type of laid, last time that happened, was when you and I decided we should down that fifth in under two hours." One of the moments she wasn't at all proud of, and that she had put behind her. Thankfully, she didn't actually remember any of that night, and only woke up with Nao next to her, naked. "If you mean one night stand, type of laid...I'd say, about four years ago, when Aki had that smoking hot track coach."

"I'm still surprised that didn't work out." Nao mumbled under her breath as she handed Natsuki the finished billing information. "You two had a perfect relationship. She would have done anything for you...she was eating out of the palm of your hand every time you so much as blinked at her. Why the hell did you let a total babe like that get away?"

"It was all superficial." Natsuki began, as she leaned back in her chair. "She seemed really interested, I guess." The day was going by at a snails pace. "There were just...there were things that told me it wouldn't last." There really wasn't anything else better to do unless the phone rang, so she gave up, and humored Nao's fascination. "The woman was only looking for a way to pass the lonely nights. In the end, she really wanted a man. Besides, Aki would have shat bricks if she found out." The retort was met with a low grumble.

"There's always an answer someplace." Nao hated it...she kept playing matchmaker, and it kept failing. "You're long overdue, get back in the saddle, would ya? You're still young, you've got time." Now that Natsuki had actually taken an interest in another woman, Nao would be hell bent to see that things pulled through for the better.

"I get what you're saying, and I understand it...but, Shizuru's different. I've got to be careful." Natsuki often wondered what it would be like, to just damn the consequences so easily. Still, she wasn't that type of person. "I don't want to hurt anyone in this."

"This could be a really good thing for you, don't knock it." The office was quiet, and without much to do, Nao contented herself with trying to balance a pencil on the tip of her nose. The fan that kept the room cool was busted, and the vending machine was out of anything decent to eat. Even the internet that normally kept her amused seemed dull today. "Natsuki..." Nao wasn't normally one to pry into the affairs of Natsuki's life, but for the first time, in a long time, Nao felt as if she had to step up and help out. "If Aki doesn't approve of this, you know I'll watch out for her."

"She's my daughter...that's my place, not yours." Natsuki clenched her fists at that, biting her lip. "I really like Shizuru, and I have a good feeling that if this were any other type of situation, we could really go places. The problem is, I feel like I'm playing with fire."

"Just go enjoy dinner." Nao finally sighed shaking her head. "You don't to fall in love with her, I'm not even asking you to tell her everything." Still, Nao could see it, hidden in the depths. "Just worry about yourself for a change, that's all I want you to do." She knew, Natsuki was already beyond the tentative steps of friendship. "If something goes from there, more power to you."

"Yeah..." The innocent kisses that the two of them had begun to share were far more foreboding that Natsuki would actually admit. "I'll enjoy myself, for tonight at least."

The drive home wasn't long, but it seemed to take longer than Natsuki was used to. She kept playing ideas in her mind, a depth that seemed to dance around without any solid ground. She knew she couldn't put it off...she didn't have the luxury to do it forever, and so she tried her damnedest to mentally prepare for the event that scared her the most. There were so many ways she could go about it, but each idea she had, she threw out of her mind, rejecting the very thought of saying the words. What could she say, after all? Anything would sound wrong, perverse, and ruined by the heart of the matter...Natsuki knew she would be squeezing the life out of the woman, merely by mentioning the truth.

Yet, Natsuki knew, it had to be done.

Natsuki parked her pickup truck in the garage, and went to change out of her uniform. It had been a slow day, for that she was thankful. She could reuse the same blue jumpsuit tomorrow so she just put it up on the hanger. She dressed casually, something she always insisted upon when she had a choice, grabbing a pair of jeans that didn't have a hole in them, and black shirt that was in decent condition. She left her hair well enough alone in the ponytail it had been in all day. With a shrug, and a slightly worried sigh, she finally decided it was time to walk next door.

Shizuru's garden was looking fancier by the day. It framed the house nicely, especially under the large picture window. Different colored stones lined the walkway to the front porch...and even that had fine attention to detail. Natsuki noticed the wooden door was left open, and the glass door that she stood in front of showcased Shizuru, frolicking around in the kitchen. A sight to behold, if it were any other day. With the wooden door open like this, Natsuki knew it was an invitation to just walk in, so she allowed herself to step foot into the small entryway and living area.

Natsuki didn't have the heart to gaze at the mantle, where photos of the past seemed to be evident in every part of Shizuru's life. It was the first time she'd stepped foot into this house since it had an owner, and Natsuki bit her lower lip as she forced herself not to say a word. The warm home seemed devoid of Shizuru's current life. All over, there were keepsakes of times not so long ago, including, if Natsuki wasn't mistaken, two sets of little feet, imprinted into molded clay, and they day that they were born.

Natsuki smiled at that knowledge, because it was something she never had conclusive evidence of. She had been forced to hazard a guess at how old they were, back when she had forged the family register. Now she knew, she wasn't all that far off. Still, it was this type of thing she had always wished she knew. She hadn't the time to let the tenderness of the knowledge sink in. All too quickly, she remembered why she was here.

Slender arms slid around her form, embracing her from behind. "I've missed you." It was a soft, gentle purr, and Natsuki gulped in reply. There was something bout Shizuru, the way she would always greet Natsuki with the intent of intimacy. The warm breath tickled the back of her neck. a teasing hint, that nearly begged for more.

"I missed you too." She turned to face the woman who was just a little taller than her, a soft smile playing on her lips as she cupped Shizuru's cheek, bringing her in for a slow, but meaningful kiss. It was with a blissful sigh that she parted her lips ever so slightly, to taste the sweetness that lingered there. She wanted to to deepen the kiss, and maneuver the woman over to the sofa nearby, but thought better of it. Still, her body screamed at her as the scent of perfume intoxicated her. Instead, she pulled away, relinquishing to the fact that it would be inviting trouble. "I was only gone for a few hours."

"Long enough for me to miss you." Shizuru's words caught Natsuki off guard for a moment. "The roast isn't quite done yet, I regret to say."

"I can wait." Natsuki wanted to pretend she wasn't at all moved by the way Shizuru's fingers danced in circles along her back, but her eyes weren't good at deception. Her breath felt heavy, and her mind began to swim. "I'm not any good at this, you realize." Natsuki murmured when Shizuru began to play with the fabric of Natsuki's shirt, teasing the skin beneath it with her nails. "Dating and I, it never really goes hand in hand." Still even as she said it, she welcomed the advances that seemed so readily offered.

"I wouldn't know." Shizuru's words were soft. However, it was the way her deep pools of crimson glowed, that told of truth the most. "I don't date." It wasn't just lust in her eyes. Such a thing could easily deceive even the most dense of people. "I even hate the word." There was a real fear there, laying out in the open, the uncertainty was the dead giveaway. "I don't casually play around, either." This wasn't going to be a one night stand, nor a cheep fling. "Sometimes, I wish I could."

It wasn't exactly a confession of anything profound, however, the admittance had been there, buried under her words.

"We're both consenting women, what we do behind closed doors doesn't need a definition." That was always the key...closeted and hidden away from those who mattered most. "We don't need to call this dating." It most certainly could be called playing around, though. Natsuki wondered what kind of reaction she would get, if she were to fully give into those teasing hands, making advances of her own. "We don't even have to have dinner, if all you want is to be held." In all honesty, that front could be damned to hell.

Shizuru didn't need to offer such kindness, if all she wanted were a few moments of bliss.

"You make it so easy." Shizuru said then, feeling somewhat guilty. "I'm sure you've been down this road before. Doesn't it bother you?" That was the question that bothered her the most. Natsuki pulled her into another kiss, forgoing the barriers of restrictive cloth, as she slid her hand completely under the blouse Shizuru had on. She thought even for a moment, to pull it off completely, but pulled out of the kiss before that could happen.

"It doesn't bother me at all." Natsuki hoped she'd gotten her point across. "I wish it did, because I'm the one who should be guilty. I'm the one who wants something that has the potential to hurt everyone around me." She wanted this, whatever the feeling was that tumbled around in her belly. She craved the way it warmed her chest, and made her feel like something other than a victim of circumstance. She wanted those crimson eyes to look at her, and see someone else. Not a single mother, without any strong man to take care of her. She wasn't stupid, she'd heard the whispers that had been flung her way in the past...she'd endured how her children were always to blame, they were always the odd ones out...simply because they hadn't had a father.

"Guilt can be shared, you know." Her fingers found their way to the clasp of Natsuki's bra, and for a moment, Shizuru wanted to just stop what she was doing, and even thought about backing away. It felt so right, touching another in ways that were deliciously sinful, and yet, inherently innocent. "However, I would regret our intentions, if we were to feel such a thing."

"I wouldn't regret our time spend together." Natsuki said then, it was the defining moment, and she couldn't simply cast it away. "I haven't been as honest with you as I want to be." She knew, if she had any hope of making this feeling last, she would have to deal with the truth. "But, I'm afraid that once I say the things I want to say, that you'll reject everything...maybe, you'll even hate me."

"I doubt anything you have to say, could be so terrible." Shizuru felt Natsuki's strong back tense up, a fearful apprehension coiling tightly around her. "What could be so bad, Natsuki?"

What indeed? There was any number of things that could spill out of her mouth, but she refused to let it become an accusation. Instead, she pulled out her wallet, containing the only family photos she had of when the twins were babies. Her fingers shook as she gripped the leather. "The bottom picture, going up..." Natsuki tried hard to swallow the lump in the back of her throat, as Shizuru took hold of the black leather wallet, watching as the photos unfolded in a long line. "It was how they grew up." Natsuki could hardly force her voice to do anything but shake. "I tried to do the best I could for them, really I did." The fear was tangible now. "They've grown up so much, but they're still so young in a lot of ways." She prayed Shizuru wouldn't try to take them away, and she waited for the hammer to fall.

"Natsuki, please..." Instead, she felt a thumb brush away a stray tear that had slipped from her clenched eyes. "I'm the one who wants to cry." Yet, Shizuru couldn't bring herself to do it. She felt empty, a pain twisted deeply in her heart, and she couldn't do anything about that now. The bottom photo was indeed the truest answer. There wasn't anyway to confuse the facts. Still, as her crimson eyes followed each picture up the line, she could see a glimpse into their lives. Living in the house nearby, gave even more truth to the care Natsuki had taken to keep them safe and warm. "I'm grateful." Shizuru's hands were numb, and the wallet fell to the floor, what few bills Natsuki had inside, spilling out.

"You're hurt." Natsuki shot back, worried more than anything. "And you have every right to be."

"No, I don't." The pain was strong, yes, but it wasn't Natsuki that was to blame. "I left them at the mercy of an old convent. I gave them up without any idea how they would be, or if they were even happy there. I couldn't even keep track of them, because the one day, when I went to go see if they were doing well, I found the chapel abandoned, with liquor bottles all over the floor." Shizuru released a breath she'd been holding for years, and relief flooded her eyes. "The white bassinet was there, but they weren't. The windows were boarded up..." A sob finally broke through. "You've no idea the things that ran rampant...awful, terrible fates ran through my head."

"Nao was probably smashed off her ass." Natsuki said quietly, more to herself than anything, before pulling Shizuru into her embrace. "They're alright." It was barely a whisper. "They've been with me the entire time. Nothing bad happened." Even if she was the one that said the words, she could hardly hear them herself. "We got by, did what we had to do...even in the hard times, they've been strong, Shizuru. They've been good kids, you couldn't have asked for better children."

…  
(Natsuki POV)

Today is Saturday...I know that because the clouds in the sky tell me that the sun has been up for several hours, and the overcast is our only savior from the blinding light that would have been in our faces. I know for a fact we burned the roast, but we ended up eating it anyway, before having some wine, and then...dear gods...I just hope Shizuru doesn't regret it.

I'm not the most open person, and I don't always state my feelings clearly. In fact, that's my biggest downfall. If I love someone, I find it hard to say. Repressed memories have a lot to do with that, but, the truth is, I find it difficult to say exactly what I mean. With Shizuru, it's even more difficult. As much as I wanted to tell her how I felt about her, I couldn't make it work. I held her in my arms as years of poison fell from her eyes. She must have felt so damn guilty, knowing she left her babies with some strange teenager. I wanted to take the pain away, and I'll admit, I was lost in the moment.

I didn't think about the ramifications of what I was doing, not when I started kissing her. She was already so far gone, so upset by the real truth of that matter, and yet, it was like a weight had been lifted off of her. So many conflicting feelings mingled for both of us, and honestly, it would have been better if I had gone home. I wish I could say that I was a stronger person, a better person...but I wasn't. All I could think of to do, was kiss her...make her feel something else, anything else...but that kiss deepened, and the flood gates broke. I would have ended it there, if I had been a person with morals...but I damned them to hell, and I wonder honestly, if this is what they talk about in all those movies you see on television.

I remember clearly what I did...what we shared...but I don't know how I should feel about it.

It was a night of tear stained confessions that ebbed into lovemaking, and it wasn't on the bed, nor the sofa...it was on the floor, smack dab in the middle of the front room. We were kissing, standing there like lost souls, looking for a chance to let go of our sins, and then, something just snapped. I unfastened one button on her top, only one, and the invitation was like a firework, and she damned my soft caress to hell. Literally, Shizuru gave up any pretense of being worried or afraid, she just wanted the hurt to go away, I could tell...and she thought, for whatever reason, that I could be the one to do it.

Clothes were abandoned at a fast pace, but so too, were our inhibitions. What had been a slow and gentle kiss, turned greedy and sloppy, and we tried our damnedest not to lose our balance. It was outright stupid when she lowered herself onto the floor sharply, her knees contacting the wood abruptly. She didn't care how bruised she was going to be, as she claimed my slick arousal with her tongue. It was primal, and I couldn't get it out of my mind. I felt dirty with my jeans around my ankles, but it was all I could do to keep from crying out as I bit down on one of my knuckles. I didn't want to stop her, I didn't want to push her away.

God knows she needed the acceptance...I gave it to her willingly...I even begged for her not to tease me when I was so close to going over the edge. I remember that clearly...the look in her eyes as I let my fingers tangle into her soft tresses. I've never been so submissive in my life, but for her, I wanted to take her pain away. Her kisses kept arousing me further, even after I was spent, breathless, and laying on the floor. It was when she leaned in to kiss me, and I could taste myself on her glistening lips, that it finally hit me...what we were doing. The pain in my hand, and the visible mark is solid evidence of that much...but it all blurs over.

It gets hazy right after she grabs my hand, and I feel her womanhood for the first time...I let myself just let go of everything...I know that, because that's the way I am in bed. I don't think clearly, or in this case, I don't think at all...I let myself follow in the order of whatever my bedfellow wants...and I know that's what I did this time. I just hope she doesn't hate me for it. I don't think I could deal with it, if she hated me...I didn't tell her everything to hurt her.

I did it because...  
God damn it...I'm weak...  
I can give all the excuses in the world, but I still hurt her...  
Yet, even so, I did it because I love her...  
Because I want her to be happy.  
I want to be happy, too.

That isn't a crime...what we did, it wasn't wrong, or breaking any laws...we were just letting go of a lot of stress...I know that...but, I also wonder where this puts us. Who can I be to her? More importantly, what will she let herself become to others? I just wish I knew...that I had all of the answers...but I don't, and that's what I'm afraid of.

…

Her entire body was sore, as she sleepily reached across the length of the wide area rug to grab her jeans that were crumpled haphazardly into a ball. There were no messages for her, and with a sigh of relief, she gently shook Shizuru awake. It was already ten in the morning, and the window showed everything in truest form. "Shizuru, you need to get up." Natsuki mumbled, as she grabbed her lacy panties that had been jumbled in with the rest of their clothes.

"I'm quite content to lay here for a few minuets more, if it's all the same to you." Natsuki wished that was the case, Shizuru's voice had that type of calming tone to it. "We could be lazy all day, that would be nice." An escape, that's what Shizuru wanted most right now, and found that solace here, in Natsuki's arms.

"It would be, if we weren't on display." Natsuki prayed that no one had walked by, but she knew that was unlikely. "Kane and Aki have a really bad tendency to cut across people's lawns. This is the last thing they need to see." Natsuki had other things to check on anyway, and she regretted that fact that her day wouldn't simply go away because she wanted it to. "I have to go back to my house for a few, get some things sorted out. I wish it could wait, but it can't." She frowned when she realized her bra had been stretched just the slightest bit, but didn't comment on it, instead throwing on the rest of her clothes. "If you come with me, I can do the errands and fix us some breakfast."

Shizuru stayed quiet, but nodded her head. "I would like that." Honestly, she really didn't want to be away from this new warmth in her life. Her entire world had been promptly turned upside down, and Natsuki was the only tie that bound her to the pathway of hope.

The travel, though only a moment, seemed like an eternity thundering in Shizuru's ears. At first, she felt uneasy, walking through the front door of Natsuki's home. There were no photos of family and friends...the house was actually quite plain, lacking perhaps, the grace of decorum. There were a pair of nearly destroyed sneakers at the door, and at that Shizuru again had to stop and take a breath, centering her world yet again. "Tell me about them..." It was more of a hopeful question than anything.

Natsuki looked up from the desk that was in the corner of the room. "If you want..." Among the decals that had been slapped haphazardly all over the computer, and the desk, that looked like it had seen more than it's fair share of nail polish, Natsuki managed to find the paperwork she was looking for, and began to start up the copy machine. "I'd rather not though." Natsuki bit her lip as she handed Shizuru the paperwork that she was going to be sending out. They were transcripts for the choice high schools in the area. "I think it would be best, if you got to know them yourself, and not through my eyes."

Some of the high schools were several hours away, meaning Kane would have to live on campus. Shizuru's eyes followed each page, and for the first time, she was able to see a tangible growth in one of her children. All of Kane's grades were excellent, at least, when he put in the effort. "Some of these schools are going to reject him..." Many of the ones on the list were privatized. "They're snobbish to a fault."

Natsuki didn't even flinch at that. "These were the schools he picked himself." She knew that was the truth as well. At best, Kane would likely get into one of the nearby public high schools. "I'm not going to deny him, simply because you and I both know that...if the schools don't want him, that's their choice. I'm still going to support his honest effort, regardless." Still, there was that slim hope, and with two pages of different places on his list, she couldn't say he was being overly picky about them either. "There's a good chance he would qualify for one of the reserved lists, and that's what I'm hoping for."

"Do they both wish to excel in academics that much?" Shizuru hoped that was the case, but Natsuki's frown spoke otherwise.

"Aki will likely drop out after this year, if she's smart enough to keep out of trouble." Natsuki wanted there to be something good to say about it, but she came up short. Aki wasn't a problem child by nature, and as a teen, even if she had an attitude, she wasn't a bad kid. Still, academically, Aki was nearly the bottom of the barrel. The environment didn't suit her, just as it hadn't suited Natsuki. "Aki's a fighter, through and through...but, school isn't any place for her. It would be best if she took a trade school of some nature...although, most of the good ones require a high school diploma. The other option is that she becomes an apprentice like I did, personally I think that would be the best option. Aki thrives with people she knows she can trust."

"So, these were the errands that you had to get done?" There was a pang of sadness Shizuru couldn't keep out of her voice, but Natsuki only nodded at her...typing away an email before sending it away, and shutting down the computer completely.

"That, and cooking things to freeze, I've got four late nights this week, and if they don't have something microwaveable, I'm afraid they'll set fire to the kitchen." That was only part of it, but Natsuki smiled anyway. "I've also gotta do the laundry, and repair the water heater, or we'll freeze on Monday morning. Cold showers suck."

"Yet, you seem so happy. Honestly, I'm surprised you aren't tired out yet." Shizuru tried to remember a time when she had someone else to worry about, but she fell sort. Her entire life and been void of that importance...perhaps that was why she'd gotten herself into such a problematic situation as a teen. "I've never had to worry about anyone else, so, I can't say that I understand."

"I was lonely." Natsuki said suddenly, as she led them into the kitchen so that she could begin breakfast. "My past isn't something I talk about, but I was on my own when I was still very young." She didn't know why she felt the need to open up so deeply, but, she wanted her life to be heard by someone...and if she was going to speak to anyone about it, Shizuru seemed the perfect candidate.

"Sometimes, I don't even know how I got by...the only thing I can say, was that I had luck on my side, and a lot of aid from the government before I was cut off." Natsuki reached up, and pulled down one of the few pictures she had, and gave it to Shizuru before she began to crack the eggs on the skillet. "The carrot top is named Mai...she's married and has one daughter. The one flipping off the camera is Nao...she helped me the most when I really needed it...she's like family to them, because she was always there for them when they were little."

"They look so happy there..." The picture had been taken in the chapel. "How old were they, when you took this?" Shizuru wanted to know the age of the twins, who were both sticking their tongues out at the camera...it was without a doubt Natsuki had taken it, since she wasn't in the group.

"Well, you and I are nearly two months apart on our dates." Natsuki wondered if it was wise to continue that line of thought, but Shizuru's expectant gaze encouraged her. "I had to guess how old they were, there wasn't any note or anything...so we just assumed-" Natsuki cut herself off with a slight cough, and cleared her throat. "Anyway...in that picture, they were three...it was our last day in the chapel, before we moved to the first of eight different apartments...we settled here a few years back, but up until then, we had to move a lot."

Shizuru let her fingers tap the glass softly before sighing. "It all sounds so surreal." As she watched Natsuki cook breakfast, she couldn't help but take notice of the messy kitchen, well lived in, surely...but not nearly as spic and span as one would hope. "I wish I knew what to make of all of this." She still felt the guilt wash over her, and each time it did, the wave grew stronger. "You did what I was unable to do. It's amazing, really it is...but I can't help but feel as if this is some way to torture me..as if I haven't done that to myself enough over the years...whatever entity is out there must be laughing."

"I used to think along those lines too, back when I was still a kid." Natsuki sighed as she took the eggs off of the skillet, freshly cooked, and passed the plate across the counter. "I felt like I didn't have a meaning...that I was worthless...I honestly didn't have anything. I was just an orphan, no one wanted to deal with me, foster parents didn't understand...finally, at fifteen they gave up on me, let me go. I had friends, but they wouldn't have been enough...they could go on without me...but the twins..."

Natsuki smiled then, though tears laced her eyes. "They were orphans too...I was afraid no one would want them either...just like no one wanted me. It might have been foolish, but I found so much hope in them. They depended on me, and I needed to be needed...I needed to have a reason to keep on going, and they gave me that."

"This really is a sordid mess, isn't it?" Shizuru hadn't the heart to say all that had gone wrong...how much she's screwed up, further nailing herself away on the cross of guilt.

"Don't think of it like that..." Natsuki said as she came around to hold Shizuru in her arms. "I made peace with myself a long time ago, my life wasn't going to be perfect. I had to give up a lot of things, but I know I always gained more than I lost. Luck was on my side Shizuru, because I did find you...it took longer than I expected, and yeah, it's a fluke at best but..." She shook her head, it was an outright godsend. "I don't want you to apologize." Natsuki finally said. "I don't know why you left them there, but you did...but, you're here now, Shizuru. They deserve to know who you are...they have a right to have you in their lives...and you have a right to love them just as much as I do."

"Would they feel the same way?" The question was dry, but filled with an uneasy subtly.

"It's hard to say, really." Natsuki swallowed at that.

"Natsuki, I mean it..." Shizuru needed time to think, time to put everything into place. She couldn't act rashly on a whim. "I've already done enough damage, I don't want to get involved in their happiness if they're only going to get hurt."

Natsuki stiffened at that, and forced herself to be rational, even if she too, felt the pull of cowardice. "They're going to get hurt, Shizuru." Natsuki couldn't keep the protective shield in place forever. "They'll get hurt anyway. Life just hurts...they know that. There are times I can't protect them." She pulled her midnight hair away from her face, and tried to calm herself, Shizuru's intense stare doing nothing to calm the tension. "This isn't the same thing as kissing a scrape, I know that...but they aren't the babies you knew either. They're old enough to start asking real questions...ones I don't have the answers for. Aki, pressed me about her dad, and I had to tell her she didn't have one." Natsuki had to suppress a curse, wishing Shizuru would understand.

"That isn't so far from the truth." A dark chuckle slipped from between thin lips. "Their father was an older man, but he stayed out of the picture. He was supposed to be my betrothed." Shizuru licked her lips, her family history was a delicate matter. "It wasn't consensual, although, he claimed that it was." She embraced Natsuki tighter, seeking the warmth...the protection she found, sighing into the rumpled black shirt. "I was disowned from my family when they found out I was pregnant. I lived with some distant relatives until I gave birth, but then, I was on my own. I tried to make ends meet, but I realized how hard the real world actually was. My father gave me a choice. He would accept me back, allow me to to retake my place among the family...but only if I gave them up. It was either that, or live out on the streets...I knew if I kept them, they wouldn't stand a chance."

"If I had opened that damned door sooner." Natsuki all but growled. "Shizuru, dear god, I'm so sorry."

"Don't blame yourself." It was just a relief to know everything had turned out okay. "My family is out of my life now...I walked away after I turned eighteen and collected a percentage of the fortune. It was enough to put myself through school, and working in nutritional anthropology pays more than I ever thought I could make." Not a day went by, however, that she didn't think about the children she'd left behind. Praying beyond all hope, they they'd been given the chance they needed. "I'm alright now...but, I'm afraid to hurt them. It was bad enough I had to leave them once...I don't want to walk back in, if it means they'll suffer."

"Being a family isn't always easy." Natsuki began, she could see the fear...she felt it run through her veins just as deeply. "Sometimes, it's really hard. They'll have to learn to accept things, because that is apart of what being a family means. I want you to be apart of their lives, I know that's what's best for them. It's what I want for myself too. I want you to be in our lives. It isn't going to be easy, it'll probably be the hardest thing any of us have ever had to face...but it'll make them stronger...Aki will grow as a person because of it. They need this, Shizuru...and so do you and I."

Natsuki refused to let things end before it could even begin. Selfishly, she wanted to hold Shizuru in her arms forever. If that made her a bad person, she would accept the pain that it brought. The burdens all seemed to lift away, when she let herself melt into a heated kiss. Breakfast went forgotten, but Natsuki wasn't hungry anyway. The warmth of Shizuru's body was chasing away the autumn cold, and that was all that mattered. This love was new, and quite the quandary, but questions wouldn't come to her as she swept them both away...the chores left well enough alone, as she took Shizuru to her bed.

There no one would look, no one would judge...and for a few hours at least, they could lock out the world, and begin to let love wash away the old scars.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: This is a reflection, and flashback chapter, detailing a few of the events Natsuki and Nao went through during the earliest days in the chapel. This is a POV heavy chapter, but that was to be expected, since it is revolving around the flashbacks. Not a lot Shiz/Nat in this chapter...also keep in mind that most of the scenes in this chapter take place before Natsuki actually knows Shizuru.

I hope everyone is enjoying the fiction so far, I'm having fun writing it, as I so often do with fan fiction. I don't own Mai HiME...clearly...and as I look at the redundancy of the statement, I shake my head...anyway on with the fiction.

* * *

**White Fence  
Chapter Three**

"I mean it, Shizuru. There really isn't much to tell." Natsuki laughed as she leaned back onto her pillow. "It was hit and miss...I took things day by day. You ask me to think about it now, and I can remember a few things. Honestly, most of the time, I didn't worry about things like memories." Shizuru seemed quiet in the mornings after their frolics, and Natsuki sighed as she stretched out in bed. The weekends were indeed blissful times, when her children weren't home, and she could peruse her own endeavors. She didn't have to worry about anyone else.

She'd begun to develop a routine. Shizuru, an avid part of her life, though she kept it hidden in the shadows. The woman of fawn tresses often wondered about Natsuki's past. She'd ask questions that Natsuki had difficulty answering. "The stuff I remember is mostly stupid shit anyway...like when Nao spilled the baby oil all over the bathroom floor and couldn't keep herself balanced. Or the days when Kane and Aki started to learn to pull hair. I considered cutting mine short during that time in their life." The past something so far away, for someone who wasn't sentimental by nature.

"So you've always kept long hair?" It was something she liked about Natsuki. There was an elegance to her, whenever she walked around in the nude, her long midnight hair cascading down her back. It could act nearly as a veil when the long strands hid Natsuki's breast from view. "I can see why you'd consider cutting it, but I'm glad that you didn't." It was soft, and silky, contrasting sharply with Natsuki's pale tones that seemed to glow in the moonlight. Even in the mornings, one such as this, there was little more Shizuru wanted to do, than to bask in Natsuki's warmth, and stay safe in her embrace.

"I'd considered a lot of things back then...even getting serious with Nao." Natsuki could remember a lot more than she let on, but it wasn't like her memories could really help Shizuru. "I know you haven't met her yet...but Nao's a bit of a bitch. She has this twisted way of seeing the world, and she can be really cold at times." Natsuki knew she couldn't explain it well. "Under all of that, she's dependable, and she was there when I needed her...you can count on Nao for things like that."

"It sounds like she was around a lot more than I could ever be." Shizuru felt that pang of sadness again, and she could tell that Natsuki hated hearing such a deject sigh.

"It is true..." Natsuki hesitated, this was one of those hard questions. "She really is more of a second parent than anything else. Although, I wouldn't say Nao felt such an obligation." No, Nao was the type to come and go as she pleased. "Nao had been there...and taken responsibility that no one else would take." If that wasn't a parent, Natsuki would be hard pressed to find out what one would be like. "However, she's never let the kids think of her like that. A title of a parent comes with authority that Nao just didn't want...so she chose to be the cool aunt instead. Though, I should warn you, Nao is their god parent... so if anything happens to me, unless you choose to fight for custody, they'll go to Nao."

"They won't forgive this, Natsuki." Shizuru felt the idea of rejection as if it were her shadow. "They'll look at me, and decide they want nothing to do with me." Shizuru hated thinking like that, but it was all she could do. "I wouldn't blame them, because I'm sure they'll assume the same. If I fear anything, it's that they'll think I'm lying, or that I hate them."

"I thought the same thing back in those days." Natsuki's voice was apologetic as she cupped Shizuru's cheek in her palm. "There are a lot of times I could tell you about, but it would only make you feel horrible, because Nao and I stood in your place." Natsuki didn't want to inflict that kind of damage. "I didn't take a lot of pictures, and I never kept a baby book. All of those days are lost, even to me, and I was there. It doesn't bother me, because I'm not that type of person, and it isn't about back then...for me, it's about today, and tomorrow...a week from now...that's the kind of thing I worry about. That's what maters."

...  
(Natsuki POV)

Yesterday's are gone, after all...

I'm a person who has been gifted with a strong will, and a weak moral foundation. That isn't to say that I do inherently bad things for the hell of it...but rather, that I wasn't taught the right way to do things. What was fundamentally correct by nature, didn't always come to me as a good idea. If, by chance, I saw someone drop money on the sidewalk, I wouldn't always do the right thing. If I was hungry, or bored, and wanted to play a few games at the arcade, it didn't matter...the right thing would have been to give the money back...regardless of my reasons, I almost always put the money in my pocket.

Granted, if I saw someone actually drop money a handful of times, it would be considered a lot...so I guess that's a rare example.

However, that is the best way to explain what my disposition had been, back in those days. The same goes for casually slipping a candy bar into my pocket, or, perhaps stealing a few shirts from a second hand store. My point here, is that to error is human, and I most certainly am human...back then, I wasn't gifted the comforts of having everything handed to me. There are ways to get what you need to survive, even if you have no money, however, those things come at a price. I would have rather be considered a thief, instead of some cheep slut.

That was my choice however, and I would never begrudge the choices another would make, if that person were to be in a similar situation. There were times I considered selling out, everyone told me I had a good body, that I should start posing in front of cameras...if I looked that good, I'm sure that if I had wanted, I could have scored some major bucks taking care of some lonely dude every few nights...that wasn't my thing, and honestly...I would have rather starved. Though, being picky like that, it left me with few options.

I had to learn to get by as an opportunist...if the opportunity to steal came along, so be it...if by chance however, I was offered some money for mowing a lawn, you can bet I jumped upon the chance in an instant. I had to take anything I could get, provided that the risk involved was minimal. Seasonal work came around from time to time, around the holiday months...but other than that, no one really wanted someone like myself. Mai once told me, it didn't matter how pretty I was, if I couldn't keep my temper controlled. I guess she had a point, but that didn't ease my growling stomach.

Anyway, being the kind of teen that I was, you can guess, perhaps, the struggle I'd gone through when I suddenly had two more mouths to feed, and no income in which to buy food.

Now, considering I hadn't any real money, you have to think of the setup I lived in. The convent that was attached to the chapel, thankfully, still had running water for a long time. Even when it finally got shut off, Nao and I got creative by turning on the hoses from around the area, filling buckets full, and heating the pots over the gas grill in the back. Propane tanks are idiotically easy to steal from people's yards, come to find out...though, that's a two person operation...if I was really lucky, and Nao's parents weren't home, I could actually take a hot shower, with designer shampoo...those were days that made me in a good mood for an entire week, it happened so rarely.

We lived off of the grill, mostly. We found it one night when we went trashing...and say what you want about that being unhealthy...if people are going to throw away perfectly good furniture, and things I could actually use...damn right, I was going to take it and use it for myself. Granted, the pots we found always burnt the food, and half of the time, we took to eating right out of the pan, just because we didn't always have clean dishes...a lazy thing I my part, mostly. If Nao's parents weren't looking, Nao sometimes brought over the non perishables in bulk...things like canned food, or packet noodles. Mai was even nice enough to bring over the leftovers she'd cooked at home, if there were any left.

Considering all of that, I ate rather decently...stayed as clean as one would hope to be under the pressure...and, I had a warm bed every night, courtesy of whoever left their mattress behind. There were other difficulties from time to time, like clothes, and doctor bills, but those were handled a bit more colorfully. Regardless, the first week with the babies were the hardest to survive...it was a muddled mess of bottles, formula, dirty diapers, and spittle. I'd hardly slept, and Nao was a pain in the ass...

Yeah, you don't forget times like that. Then again...you don't exactly remember them either. It's one of those, live in the moment type of things.

…

"I'm not asking you to keep it, I'm asking you to pick it up!" Natsuki hollered from outside. She was busy, or she would have done it herself. She sighed as she hunched over the packages of rubber nipples, trying desperately to figure out what to make of them. "So then what's the difference between stage one and two?" With her cell phone perched between her ear and her shoulder, she searched through the multiple bags of baby supplies, actively looking for the bottles that went with the nipples.

"Um...it depends, there are different kinds, you really should be a bit more careful." Mai mumbled quietly, trying to understand the situation as best as Natsuki's weird explanations would allow. "Stage two nipples have a bigger hole, the milk comes out easier...it's made for older babies." Mai replied dryly over the phone. "How old are they?"

"I have no idea." Natsuki replied. "How do I find that out?"

"I'd rather not try to explain that over the phone." Mai sighed as she came to the conclusion that Natsuki and Nao were going to get themselves into trouble. "Do you have a book to read, or something?" If someone didn't actually walk them through things step by step, she knew something awful could happen. "You've gotta remember Natsuki, I was little when Takumi was born. I don't remember every detail. I know the basics, but that's about it."

"I don't have time for a book, Mai." Natsuki replied, finally doing away with the stage two nipples, and finding another package. "What about stage one and the preemie nipples?" Natsuki grumbled then, nearly at her wits end...while she heard Mai sigh for the umpteenth time over the phone. It was the screaming baby in the background that was the most maddening. "Jesus! Nao pick up the damned baby!"

Mai could just feel the waves of frustration in Natsuki's voice, and finally she relented. "I'm coming over...in the meantime don't do anything until I get there."

She'd hung up the phone faster than Natsuki could respond, and once again, the dynamic duo had found themselves in a thorny situation, and without guidance. So far their day had consisted of stealing from several stores, sending baby powder flying all over the place, and several other things that just didn't bode well. Natsuki gave up the idea of trying to feed them, Mai's expertise only a short jog away. Natsuki walked back inside, seeing the same sight she'd seen when she'd left to call Mai earlier. Nao was standing there, without a baby in her arms, looking confused, with the wrinkled book in her hands.

"You still haven't picked it up?" Natsuki sighed, trying to stop herself from yelling over the baby. "Worthless, I swear." Marching over, she leaned over the bassinet, peaking at the two little ones inside. The screaming one was squirming all over the place, and Natsuki gulped, unsure of how to pick up the irritated baby. For a second, she tried to grasp hold of the little kicking legs, trying to steady them, but that made the little one scream louder, and Natsuki let go, cursing under her breath. "Stupid thing won't stay still."

"No duh...not so easy, is it?" Nao remarked, lifting her eyes from the pages for a second. "This is how we're supposed to do it." She flashed the page in front of Natsuki, but one look at the babies told Nao it was a bad idea. "It's a good idea in theory, but I don't think the little shit going to let us." Nao was unsure why, but the baby with dark brown eyes seemed to be the calm one...quiet, and observant, almost to a fault. "Might wanna practice with that one." She said, pointing to the bigger twin. "It looks like it won't try to fight us."

"I don't know, I think we better wait until Mai gets here." Natsuki sighed, wanting to be helped, but it was also a luxury she didn't have. "I don't want to mess up." Natsuki didn't want to think about that, knowing Mai was only a short distance away. Still, she wiggled her fingers in front of the one who was screaming, immediately, her finger was caught with two tiny hands. "Eww..."

"I think it might be hungry." Nao grumbled, watching as the baby began to suckle on Natsuki's finger. "Careful, it might try to take your finger off."

"It doesn't have any teeth." Natsuki said, though, she wasn't quite sure what to do. "So even if it was a demon spawn from hell, I doubt I'm in danger. Besides, at least now it's being quiet." Her voice echoed in the large room, and below her feet, she could hear the fluttering of bats in the basement.

"Suit yourself." Nao shrugged, though she wouldn't show it, she completely agreed. "It's kinda cute...when it isn't screaming."

"Yeah...it is." She tried not to smile, but she couldn't help the grin on her face...it was a small victory perhaps, and one not even worth celebrating, and yet still, it was the first real contact she'd had. "I'm gonna need my hand back eventually." She told the baby, entranced by the little red eyes that seemed to open and close slowly, as if trying to decide what to do next. "Besides, I doubt this is sanitary."

"Dude, are you high? We're in a run down, dusty chapel...there are spiderwebs on the ceiling and bats in the basement...your hand is the last thing I would worry about. A little dirt never hurt anyone." Nao didn't want to admit it, but every moment that passed by made her realize the time was ticking down. She wasn't sure when the babies had eaten last, and she wondered about that. Waiting for Mai was making her nervous. "I'm going out back and try to get in a few chapters of this...Mai isn't going to be able to stay around all day, ya know." The truth was, she was actually afraid for that same reason. The book was thick, she'd be lucky to make it through half of it in one day, if she didn't actually fall asleep, or give up before then.

Mai was thankfully quick to respond, and had come to the rescue after only a few more minuets...in truth, it had felt like hours. "Aw, they're so cute." Her smile beamed, and without any hesitation at all, she went for the smaller, twin who had started fussing immediately after Natsuki had taken her hand away. Mai smiled as she cradled the little one gently in her arms. "What are they?" Mai asked then as she brushed away a few tufts of blonde hair atop the little baby's head.

"They're babies..." Natsuki muttered.

"So I see." Mai responded back, though her concentration was on the baby in her arms. "I was asking if they were boys, or girls." As she began to sway gently back and forth, the fusing didn't ebb, but that didn't seem to bother Mai in the slightest.

"Funny thing about that..." Natsuki frowned as Mai made holding the little one look so easy. "I didn't think to check."

"It figures you wouldn't. Generally, that would be one of the first things you find out...unless-" Mai frowned, finally knowing why she felt a sagging diaper. "They could probably both use a change, and a bottle." The baby in her arms wasn't as little as Natsuki had made it out to be, but it wasn't teething either. "Do you need a new butt?" Mai asked the baby playfully, trying to get it to laugh.

"Oh god, she's lost it." Nao grumbled from the door, leaning on thick wood. the book was dangling from between her fingers, indicting she'd gotten bored with it already.

"No I haven't. I'm trying to see how old it is...at about two or three months, they do things that newborns don't." Mai's response was soft, her attention fully on the baby in her arms. "Where's the changing supplies, we need to get both of them out of these old ones."

"Easier said than done." Natsuki pointed to the old alter, where all of the changing supplies had been set up, but it was clearly a mess already. "Nao was trying to get the tab off of the baby powder and made a mess everywhere."

"Baby powder?" At that Mai's eyes grew wide. She looked at Nao, and then back at Natsuki. "You don't use baby powder on a baby, that's just stupid."

"No it's not! See, it even has a picture of one on the side of the bottle!" For the sake of her already mounting frustration, she went over to show Mai the picture, squeezing the container it came in. "Oh, fuck me!" Much to her dismay, she was covered in the powder for the second time that day.

"Bend over, I'll see what I can do." Nao said, a broom in hand. "Who knows if you lube up, you won't get splinters."

Mai didn't even want to comment on the exchange. "Guys, really...that's why you don't use it on babies. It goes everywhere, and if they breath it in, it'll do more harm than good." Mai sighed, shaking her head. "The rash cream is good enough, and you don't use it every time, only if they need it." She grabbed what she hoped would be the right sized diaper, and the wipes nearby. laying the baby down in the church pew, well away from the floating powder that was floating in the air every time Natsuki shook around. When the baby began to cry out again, Mai just sighed. "I know, I know...I'll be quick. I promise." Provided, of course, that she wouldn't have to rig an oversize diaper...she wouldn't have put it past them to screw that up as well. "Come over here and watch, or you'll be confused later."

…  
(Natsuki POV)

I came to find out, bluntly speaking, that the smaller of the twins had been a girl, and the bigger one had been a boy. Mai stayed for a few hours just to get us through the basics. Things like how to hold them, how to feed them...stupidly easy things that we couldn't figure out. Diaper changing came with a skill, as we later learned, thanks to Kane. Mai had made it look easy, and we applied the basic skills, but lets just say, boys will be boys...and Nao and I forgot that a lot. It's just one of those things you don't think about.

The screaming, was apparently normal...Mai told us it was mostly because we were strange people, in some new place. The babies felt as if they didn't belong. She warned us that it would take time, and no small amount of work. I'd shrugged and said it was only temporary anyway, because I honestly thought it would be. There was an orphanage three cities over, it was the same one I had been in, and that was my first thought...well, before I burned the idea alive in my head. The new convent building was uptown, and in a pretty safe neighborhood...an hour in a car, or a long ass walk. There were other options, like turning them into the police as missing children, or abandoned babies...but I wasn't interested in that.

The reason being, was that as soon as no one came to get them, they'd be off to the hell hole orphanage faster than a blink of an eye.

I wanted time to just sit and think. Mai says that I sealed my fate that day, when I hadn't gotten rid of them...that even one night with the babies was enough to convince me not to let them go out of my sight. I'm not entirely sure about that...but, I know that even when I was considering leaving them someplace, I was picky about it. The first full night alone with them was long...pacing up and down the isle, I remembering wanting to cry. They wouldn't fall asleep, and the boy was heavy in my arms. He had been fairly quiet for most of the day, but even he had a voice that he intended to use once he became hungry, or when the sun began to set.

Mai had told us before she left, that she was willing to bet they were three or four months, roughly guessing. She wasn't really sure. She said she knew they couldn't be much younger, because they could be left on their bellies as long as we watched them. Though, they couldn't crawl, they could lift themselves up, babble...things like that. She got the little girl to laugh a little, but the boy, well, he just didn't seem interested in Mai. He kept scowling, as if he was unsure of what to do. As if, he wanted to cry continually, but as if he knew that wouldn't answer any of his questions.

Kane has never changed, even now he still even has the same scowl. Always observant, and never responsive without a clear reason to do so.

In truth, for a long time, their names were insults...we didn't know what else to call them. Jackass was Nao's favorite, especially when Kane would get difficult to deal with. There were times that he wouldn't let us put him down...those nights we would sleep with him cradled in our arms. Even then, he would make sure to give us a difficult time of it. Everything, and I mean everything, was pretty much a crap shoot. When to change them, when to feed them, and you were pretty much out of luck if they both started screaming at the same time, and there was only one person around.

Nao and I survived one week of hell, but then, things got easier.

As if, for whatever reason, the seventh day was the magical day, when things started to go right. It was still rough going, mind you...but we began to understand the crying. I can say that, because it was the day I could tell the difference between Aki's sleepy cry, and the non stop babble that Aki just seemed to do, without any rhyme or reason. It's a lot less frustrating when you know your going to lose. Then you can sit there and take it, knowing it's pointless to do anything more than hold them, and try not to go deaf. Aki was always the loud one, but again, I truly believe that's just her nature...a pain in the ass then...a pain in the ass now.

It was about ten days into the entire fiasco, that Nao actually hit me hard...she gave me the reality check that I needed.

…

"The longer you keep them, the more you'll screw them up when you have to let them go." It was late on a school night, and Nao had to go in to take a test the next day. She wouldn't be able to stay around and help that night. Midterms were also about to show their ugly face to the world, but Natsuki's grades had already plummeted. She would have to repeat the year regardless of her test scores. She couldn't keep her grades high enough, her homework always left undone, since she had other priorities. Nao's grades were a little better, but not much. "Have you decided where you'll shove them?"

"If I knew that, they wouldn't be here." Natsuki was tired, drained by trying to do everything at once. She couldn't take it. School days were long, Saturday dentition even longer, and she knew she couldn't keep up with the demands of everything. "Nothing seems good enough." It didn't seem right. That was the problem. Natsuki was the one who'd discovered them, and she'd be damned to let them fall into the wrong hands. "If we put them in an orphanage, they may never get picked up...if we turn them in, who knows what the authorities will do." Natsuki sighed then, thinking about long paper trails that also left little in the way of clues. "They don't have any identification, and even with the name on the bottom of the bassinet, I couldn't find anything."

Nao looked over at the white woven bassinet. Fujino was a popular name, but it was also not one to trifle with. Anyone who had any sort of upbringing could see the name on store shelves and on medical cards. Doctors, lawyers, even people on the city council...those were the types of people the Fujino's were. Nothing below excellence. Multinational, with strong focus groups and special interest. Nao knew well these babies were heirs to something big. "The Fujino family is one of the most famous families around. Their considered part of the elite. If these babies really belong to them, then you'd think they'd know about it, and would want them back."

Natsuki sighed, and then shrugged. "There are forty branch families that coincide with the Fujino name." All of them came up empty in her search. "None of them have given birth in recent months. The last set of born twins from the Fujino name happened to be well over five years ago. Most of the families have stopped producing children, and the next generation aren't quite old enough to have children yet...if they're smart." Something spooked the bats in the basement, and they began to fly around, making echoing racket. "Anyway, I think there is either a reason they didn't want the babies, or, that some idiot stole the basket, and the babies were inside." Natsuki explained as she went to pick up the little man, who was fussing more than crying. "Either way, no missing person has been reported in the area...any birth certificates they may have had aren't around anymore."

"So you think they've been written off." Nao caught on fast, sighing at that. She felt badly about it, but she also knew she couldn't change the way the world worked. "If anyone had the power to do something like that, it would be the Fujino family." It was when Natsuki returned with the baby boy, that Nao felt lost. "I wonder what he did...why wouldn't they want a successor?"

" Forty families, Nao, Forty families. They probably already had enough." Natsuki said then, bitterly letting the words fall over them like a haze. "I can't help but think that letting them grow up in the orphanage would be bad. They won't get the attention they really need, you know how overcrowded it gets." Natsuki remembered that well. The noisy children, and the bad ones, they got the attention first. The quiet ones were left well enough alone. "His sister would be okay..." The boy however, would need to learn how to sound pissed off quickly. "But...if that's all they get to be, then they can be okay here too."

"I get what you're saying...but I think you're biting off more than you can chew." It wasn't just Natsuki either. Nao knew it, she was in just as deep. "He's cute, but he isn't a puppy...and two of them? It won't be easy..."

"Nao, shut up and think before you say that." Natsuki grumbled dryly, her heart sank at Nao's words. "When has my life ever been easy...and what about you? You were a Mistake too, weren't you? You should know better than anyone else...you have a home, and you still run away all the time." Natsuki put the baby on his tummy, letting him reach for one of the toys she'd stolen for him earlier that afternoon. "This life isn't going to be easy, but if I can just hold out for another week, I'll be sixteen."

"You really want to do this, don't you?" The baby had changed, even just a little, from when Nao had first let her eyes fall upon the babies. At first, Nao had been laughing, making crass jokes about the little ones. Now, seeing the little boy try desperately to make his little body move, fussing when he just wasn't yet able to figure out how to get himself up all the way, it made Nao realize just how much had changed..and yet, how much remained the same.

Natsuki could see the fight in him too, as he worked so hard to try to move one of his little legs under himself for support. "It's not that I do, but it's not that I don't."

Nao picked him up, and sighed. "I'm not going to sign anything." Nao said then, quietly, as if she wasn't quite sure of that herself. "I don't want anything to do with them...but if you want to look after them, I'll help you...otherwise, the little shits will make you lose your mind."

"It's been lost for years, I blame you." The two of them shared a look at Natsuki's acidic retort. Nao yawned as she leaned closer to Natsuki, resting her head onto a leather clad shoulder. If it was purely the fact that she was sleepy, or if there was something more under the surface, Natsuki hadn't a clue. Still, she could feel the warmth of Nao's breath tickle her neck, it was slow, and even. Nao was not completely asleep, and yet, she was not awake enough to know what she was doing. Nao held the baby more securely on instinct alone, and Natsuki chuckled under her breath as they all curled into the corner.

…  
(Natsuki POV)

So, I filled out a shit load of paperwork, even going to far as to use Nao's address as my home address. After a lot of arguing with idiot receptionists, and cussing people out over the phone, I finally made them mine. In black ink, on several thick clusters of documents, I signed my life away, claiming the twins as dependents. I had to come up with names for them, and that took a lot of doing, but when I'd settled on Kane and Aki, I was met with another issue. I knew their last name was Fujino. That was something that seemed pure fact, but I also knew such a name would follow them into a not so happy future.

There are some family names, that if you even so much as hear the name, something or someone comes to mind instantly. The Kanzaki name, for example, would lead you to think of a few well know doctors, who just so happen to specialize in experimental medicine. They work closely with the Searrs Foundation, and First district, two well known pharmaceutical companies. When you think of the Suzushiro family, you think of judges, and other influential figures, such as politicians...now, the Fujino's have a hand in all of that, and more. They've made strong bonds with others over the years...even as a teen, it was impossible not to know the name Fujino. Television, newspapers, and radio made sure of that.

That fact alone, worried me.

I didn't want them to be traced...if they were going to be mine, they would stay mine. I wanted to be sure of that, so on the documents, I have them set up with my family name, Kuga. I wondered a lot back then, if it really was the best idea...it wasn't like I had any other choice though. I was afraid that one day, some highly paid executive would come along with a lawyer, demanding to have his children back. That was the image in my mind...so I did anything in my power to make Fujino babies become Kuga by default.

Nao acted like she didn't care about things. She would pretend she hated them, but though all of her crass words, and men spirited actions, I knew the truth. It wasn't Mai that spent the night, every night. Sure, there were times Nao had to go back home, the threat of a probation officer coming to look for her always in the back of her mind. More often than not, she stuck around. That was just her way. Nao wanted to be there, and she made sure she was, if she could be.

It was around that time that I realized, that I wasn't only a parent, but that I was still very much a teenager. Teenage hormones being what they were for me back then, I couldn't deny I was feeling just a little under the weather. I was also attracting the attention of a few cute girls. I noticed them, and I could see that they had taken notice of me.

Nao used to push me out on dates, I think, because she thought I needed the time away. I did...but I needed a friend, not a lover. I had only causally dated one boy before that, and I had never been with a woman. My sexual experience at that point was very limited, and I soon fell into the pattern I guess every teen goes through. Searching for the right person, and knowing that you likely won't find them...at least, not as a teen. Being sexually active back then, without protection, was the only way I knew how to do things...and although I wasn't sleeping around all over the place, I was just as curious as everyone else.

I guess I wanted to feel loved...or failing that, to at least blow off a little steam, and let go of some stress.

It was a while after that, that I began to feel lost, and not just a little depressed. I had quit school at that point, and I'd lost most of my friends. Nao, true to form, was her normal assholian loveliness on any given day, and Mai still came around once or twice a week...still it wasn't enough. I felt like I was missing something, and I guess I was. There's only so much love you can give to a child, when you are devoid of any love for yourself. I didn't have time to really get myself out there, and even when I did, it was all out rejection half the time.

The twins had passed some really important milestones, and each day was a new adventure into the realm of havoc. Each day, week, or month that passed me by, I could see a clear growth in them. Around that time, the twins were far more mobile, and got into everything, toddling around on wobbly little legs. They weren't quite at the walking independently stage...well, at least Kane wasn't. He was still happy to follow after his sister on all fours, actually.

He had me worried for a bit, since it seemed like with everything, he was slow on the uptake...walking was just one of those slow times. It wasn't that he couldn't do it...more like he took the easy way out. Aki could walk, if she really wanted, and she could do it well. The only time she ever did, was when she was trying to get away from us, she liked running away at the worst times. She was also the little streaker out of the two, learning very quickly that the tabs on the diapers could come undone.

I was so proud of them, but so very stressed. I wanted something, anyting, to break me out of the vicious cycle...one night, it finally happened.

…

It was late into the evening when the thick wooden door of the chapel creaked open. Natsuki stood in her place long enough for the sensory lights to turn off, before she closed the door fully. She wondered, idly, why the street lamps in the front of the church flickered on and off at every passerby, but assumed it had something to do with the city ordinance. "Ma!" The little voice was frustrated, as Kane tried to get away from Nao.

"Yeah, I'm the asshole you don't like." Nao grumbled at him. "I get it." He began to cry when she wouldn't put him down, instead, holding him until he quieted. "No, you gotta stop crying first." Natsuki just let it happen, and ignored both Nao, and Kane, knowing that it was his way of throwing his temper around. She wasn't going to buy it like she did at first. "Kane, damn it, calm down!"

He simply screeched louder and louder, squealing his little heart out before Mai, who had been reading a book nearby took over and pulled the boy into her arms. "Kane, stop now." Mai told him firmly, a look in her eye stern enough to get her point across. "You know better." Kane quieted, duly put in his place, and after a few more moments of not making a pep, Mai put him down so he could go to Natsuki of his own accord.

"How were they?" Natsuki asked Nao before scooping Aki up, hugging her in greeting before doing the same to Kane.

"Well, he wasn't acting like a little hellion until after you walked through the door." Nao replied dryly.

"Yeah, I don't know what that's been about." Natsuki mumbled, Kane wasn't normally so vocal, and he hardly became fussy.

"Well, he doesn't like it when you leave." Mai shrugged, watching as Kane clung onto Natsuki, as if he were her shadow. "Think about it, he knows when your gone, and he doesn't like it."

"And Aki does?" Nao retorted. "She was terrorizing her brother the entire time."

"The difference being, she likes you. If you had been holding Aki, Kane wouldn't have thrown a tantrum." Mai wondered about that, how different the twins would become over time. "Kane's just in one of those phases, Nao." Normally it was Aki making the ruckus, so it was rare for the little boy to be insistent about anything. "Give him time, he'll come around again...Takumi used to do the same thing with mom. He hated when she left him alone with our dad...he would tolerate me okay, but he really just wanted mom." However, for now, Kane just wanted to be with Natsuki, and would follow her everywhere that he could.

"Well, whatever it is he's afraid of, he doesn't have to worry, that's the last date I'm going to go on." Natsuki sighed dejectedly. Aki's hair was growing out, and her bangs were starting to grow into her face. Natsuki thought about cutting it several times, but as she ran her fingers through the soft tresses, she yawned and cuddled into her. "You're tired." It was nearing their bedtime, and Natsuki carried her into the bedroom, laying her on the mattress that was on the floor in the corner.

Nao wasn't far behind, with Kane in her arms. "What do you mean, you're not going on another date?" Nao was incredulous as she put Kane down into the mattress, even as she tried not to shout, her voice was thick with annoyance. "Natsuki, you need someone...this just isn't healthy."

"Why?" Natsuki looked up into green eyes, her own of emerald shining with things she would never say aloud. "So that my son can worry about me the entire time? So that my daughter can lash out at the fact that I'm not here? So that I have to sit in some shoddy bar, listening to people tell me about their sad life, and horrible upbringing? Some of these people, they're better off than they realize." Natsuki sighed as she pulled her hair behind her back, and stood up off of the floor. "I'm done with it." She walked out of the room after blowing out the candle that was in the lantern, looking back only to ascertain that her children weren't going to try and follow her, as Kane would sometimes do. They were already curled into their pillow, drifting off to sleep.

"That's not what I mean, and you know it." Nao knew it was hard on Natsuki, she could see it getting worse every single day. "You need someone who's going to look after you. This isn't going to work forever Natsuki, and you're working yourself ragged."

"Are you going to step up?" Natsuki shot back when they were in the hallway. "I need someone who I can trust..not some cheep bitch. I don't want some one night stand with a stranger. So unless you have something to say to me, stand down, Nao." Her voice was cold as steel, but her eyes were like that of glass. "I can't take this anymore."

"That's bullshit." Quite bluntly, Nao crossed her arms standing her ground. "You're afraid...that's all you are. Even if it were me, or Mai, or some other person, who might actually give a damn you, and the others in your life, you're coward when it comes to showing how you really feel." Still, it wasn't lost on Nao. "Hell, this life isn't bad, I wouldn't mind it...I'd be happy if it were someone like you...but I'd never know, would I?" They both knew the answer to that one. "You wouldn't say anything, because you're afraid to hurt people, and get hurt in return."

"Is that what you think?" Natsuki bit her lip, standing as if she were a statue, taking all of the barbs like the frontal attack that it was. "That I want to be alone my entire life? That I don't want other things in my life..." It was a gamble, and Nao had placed that bet onto the table. "I could take you into that room across the hall, do you lovely, and this wouldn't change." They were just friends, that's all they could be. "We couldn't change...being happy doesn't come that easy...not to anyone."

"Is that so..." Nao just shook her head, laughing in her own toxic way. "There isn't anything I wouldn't do for them." Nao let her fingers fall upon the door frame, looking in to see the two sleeping faces. They were so peaceful, that they hadn't any idea of the war outside of their door. "For you, I thought you knew where my loyalties were." Still, it was true. Even if they fell into such a place, they wouldn't change their ways. "You're right that nothing could ever go on between us...but you don't want that...and neither do I." loneliness was like poison, and there were nights they both felt it creep into their souls. "Still, when the only thing you've got, is the only one you can trust in this world...wouldn't it be better not to be alone, no matter what that might mean?"

"Honestly...I don't know." Natsuki sighed then, putting an arm around Nao's shoulder. "But I need to unwind, I know that much."

"I've got some vodka with our names on it." Nao agreed, as they walked back into the main chapel.

…  
(Natsuki POV)

I don't have the heart to say to Shizuru the things I would like to tell her. It would cause unnecessary pain. There isn't much I can say, because even if I did, Shizuru would feel lost in guilt, never mind the fact I would feel like an ass. I want to be able to share with her every little moment I can recall, but, I won't do that, the expense is far greater than I'm willing to pay. I won't bring her to tears, I won't cause her to cry...I've made enough mistakes in my life, caused enough hurt, stole enough things.

Nao was right, back when we were younger. I was afraid to get hurt. I had to find that for myself by struggling through several years of watching the world pass me by. I don't think I could ever tell Shizuru about those older days, because that was Nao's place. She and I, confused, lost, lonely, and raising two little babies together. The echos of those times live on within me, and Nao.

They're not for Shizuru, as much as I don't fault her for not being there, I also feel as if I don't have the right to give away such important memories. That right belongs to those I love...those who were there when Shizuru wasn't. Nao, Mai, Aki, and Kane...those are the people that every right to say the things I can't.

I can only show her the door...but in the end, Shizuru has to be the one to walk through.

…

Natsuki and Shizuru had been lazy all morning, tangled under the sheets in a warm embrace. Now that it was early afternoon, Natsuki decided to escape the warm covers to bring some refreshments. The halls weren't as quiet as she expected they would be, and the sight that greeted her warmed her heart...somethings never changed. "You are such a jackass." Natsuki smirked as she came down to find Nao raiding the kitchen. "Let me guess, Mai wouldn't feed you?"

"You got it." Nao grumbled through a bite of fried chicken that she'd acquired from the refrigerator. "She's banging her husband again, and I'm sick of hearing it." Her apartment was on the level below Mai's, and sadly enough, that meant Nao would often get quite an earful. "She mewls like a cat in heat, I swear to god."

"Nice..." Natsuki winced at that. "Didn't want to know that. What Mai does with Tate, isn't anything I want to hear about." She smacked Nao in the back of the head as she went into the laundry room to fold clothes that had finished in the dryer. It was something she'd been putting off. "Though I know she's been trying for a second for a while now. Tate really wants a boy of his own."

"She's going to be shit out of luck if she breaks Tate's dick off." Nao replied quickly and without a care in the world that Natsuki was trying to block the image yet again. "Imagine my surprise when I come in here, trying to catch a break, and the next thing I know, I hear you going at it. Who the hell that chick is upstairs anyway?" Her hand was pointing at the laundry shoot, which just so happened to be attached to Natsuki's bedroom closet. "Next time, put a pillow in the thing. It'll work like a charm."

"Thanks for the warning." Natsuki knew they were being vocal, she just didn't realize it had been quite that loud. "Good to know the entire house can hear what I do in my bedroom." Mentally, she filed away that little tidbit, and made a note to promptly block the hole with something before her next frolic. "It was Shizuru, by the way."

"You told her?" Nao had that gleam in her eye. "Hell yeah! Took to it like a charm, eh?"

"Not quite." Natsuki said, though she appreciated the encouragement. "It's a difficult situation. We'll get by somehow...but I'll bet Aki is going to become a real handful. I can't imagine she'll be all that pleased when she finds out."

Nao nodded. "I won't keep loitering around here, if you have your lady friend upstairs." The smirk waned, and Nao took a breath. "When you tell them, I want to be there. I think Aki is going to need the moral support."

"Her and I both." Natsuki agreed, as she nodded back at Nao. "You've been there for every other important thing in their lives, I don't see why this would be any different."

Nao waved off the sentiment, and just laughed as she took one more piece of chicken for the road. "I'll see you around." She didn't wait for a reply as she simply left the same way she'd come in, locking the front door with the key she acquired by default. Natsuki only watched the door for a few moments before preparing some tea to take up to Shizuru. Natsuki closed her eyes as the water warmed in the kettle. She tried to think of a time when she cared about anyone, the way she cared for the woman upstairs...she fell sort. There had never been anyone quite like her.

The woman of fawn tresses could melt away the stress, take away the pain, and Natsuki knew that was a gift only Shizuru could give.

As individuals, it was true that they didn't have any redeeming qualities...anyone looking in on them would almost instantly jump to unwarranted conclusions. It sat unjustified, but true...because that was the way the world worked. Appearances had to be kept up for the outside world, an air before the crowd of dimwitted people, who knew nothing of real struggle. Still, Natsuki knew that was the easy part. She could take on anyone who dared to question her choices in life...well, anyone, except the twins. If there were ever a time she feared what they might say, their thoughts on this would be one of them.

Even more, the fear that they wouldn't accept the truth, buzzed away in her mind the most.

The worry was unnecessary, because they'd already agreed to wait on things, for just a while longer. It was more for their own sake, but also to test the waters. If the twins could not tolerate Shizuru so near, then, the answer to their fears would be answered. It would be unfortunate if that were indeed the case, but it could still happen. Natsuki didn't think it would occur, but Aki was the wild card. The kettle saved her, before she became lost in her thoughts yet again, and she pours the hot water into the mugs, smiling at such an action.

It was rare to think about caring for a lover, as the woman of her affection rested nude under silken sheets upstairs.

Perhaps it was because the love was new, and very much alive. It was the only thing that had came to Natsuki's mind, but it tickled her in small ways. Never before had it been in her own room. Never once, had she dared to mark the halls with echoes of passion with someone else. Yet, today, she could check that off of her bucket list...a mental run down of sorts, that she had wished to complete sooner or later in her life. Her solace often came in the form of the drawer of her nightstand, where in a small cashmere bag, hid the key to the land of milk and honey. So often, she was forced to invite fantasy into her life...but now, being loved by someone else...it was no longer a dream she kept locked away.

Much to her delight, that small cashmere bag had been discovered, and welcomed, into the foreplay that afternoon. The thought of actually using the tiny vibrator contained within, on someone other than herself, reminded Natsuki of the trust Shizuru had...the faith that seemed never to end. Natsuki sighed at that while carrying the mugs into the bedroom. Shizuru had fallen into a light slumber, and Natsuki didn't have the heart to wake the woman up.

Instead, she peeled herself out of her robe, and slipped back under the warm sheets, smiling inwardly when Shizuru snuggled closer. It was yet another weekend in her household, with her life locked behind a closed door, but was the way they both wanted it, at least, for now.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Where have I been? That's an interesting question. The answer is that I've been all sort of places, doing a lot of nonsensical idiocy. (Read: I love my family life.) Really though, I've been writing stuff, and my comp is covered with chapters. I just haven't posted anything because I haven't had the time to sit down and edit every single mistake my fingers do when they roll all over the keyboard...other than that, normal every day life had gotten a bit more hectic, but that really is to be expected.

I've hit one of those calm times when I have a chance to sit on my butt for more than an hour a day...so that would be why I'm on one of my updating sprees again. This story is actually a few chapters from being totally completed, all the chapters are just floating around in haphazard glee until I can post them. That's why this is being posted at the speed that it is.

Anyway, here we have chapter four...we're back to our regularly scheduled Shiz/Nat a long with some wonderful drama headed your way. The forecast reads as mildly depressing, with moments of barely there passion, and a few set up scenes. I hope you guys are enjoying the fiction thus far, as we continue this roller coaster.

* * *

**White Fence  
Chapter Four**

"Pizza night, sounds good to me." Nao shrugged as she finished putting away what little she'd had on her desk in terms of paperwork. She was covered in soot, form head to toe, having had to deal with a dirty chimney earlier. She had tried to clean up as best as she could, but the ash seemed to just smear, instead of coming off cleanly. "Mai won't be able to make it though."

"I figured as much. I got a call from her this morning before I came in...something about an oil leak." Natsuki shrugged, knowing their car was an old rust bucket, but Tate refused to give it up. She felt the same way about her motor cycle, although she didn't take it out much anymore, she still had a fondness of tinkering with it. "I told her that if Tate can't fix it, I'd come by tomorrow and do it."

"That's all well and good, but that isn't what I meant." Nao said then, a dirty grin on her face to match the rest of her. "They've sent their daughter to live with Takumi and his girlfriend for a few days. That way, they can really amp it up."

"Isn't that counter intuitive?" Natsuki wasn't an expert in the subject, but that's what she assumed. "I mean, you'd think Tate would need some time, wouldn't he?" It really wasn't her place to talk about the sex lives of her friends, but that was the buzz around which Nao centered her lifestyle. The fiery red head wasn't happy unless she was meddling, though she only did it because she cared. "Mai should enjoy the time she has with Tate. I know upsetting herself won't do any good."

"Would you turn down sex with Shizuru?" Nao asked dryly, stripping down into her underwear in the office, eventually doing away with that too, thankful she could at least rinse off with the sink in the storage room. "I think not...lucky bastards." Tough, inwardly she agreed, she hadn't that that to anyone. "You can say that when you have someone to think about. Not all of us are so lucky."

"Still aren't getting any, are you?" Natsuki chuckled under her breath. "I thought you were seeing that guy Tate works with." She wasn't bothered by Nao's display, and nearly found her soot covered friend more amusing than not. "You chickened out, didn't you?"

"Are you kidding, it's those boys that should be afraid of me. The truth is, I decided not to go." Nao replied a using the sink in the storage room to hide her embarrassment as she splashed her face with water. "I kinda found out who it was, and thought better of it." Now that she was the one in the spotlight, she felt a bit awkward, and not in the least bit mortified. "I figured it was better to do that, rather than invite trouble."

"Well, don't just leave me hanging around." Natsuki was done with her work too, and it was only in the middle of the afternoon. There was paperwork to do, and a few notices to send out, but that was all done with electronic calling, so as long as she stayed in the room to monitor each call, she could do what she liked. "Who was it?"

"Takeda..." Nao sighed, not wanting to think about it.

"Takeda? As in my ex-boyfriend from middle school?" Natsuki couldn't suppress the smirk. "You should have gone."

"He was a dweeb then, and I'll bet he's the same way now." After sticking her head under the faucet, the black ash started to rinse away, wet locks of red began to show themselves. "I don't know why, but that just rubs me the wrong way...besides, you've already said it. He's your ex-boyfriend...and didn't the two of you having a falling out?"

"Well, yeah...but only because he moved outta the area. It wasn't like we got into a huge fight...we were just busy with other things." Natsuki shrugged as she leaned on the door frame, watching in awe as more and more ash seemed to wash away. Idly she wondered just what Nao had been doing, thinking Nao must have used herself as a broom. "I had the twins to look out for, and he had a new girlfriend not to mention a part time job...you always bug me about not looking for someone to make me happy, and now you're avoiding a perfectly good guy."

"I have other things going on." Nao turned off the water, the squeaky handle daring anyone to argue the point. "Unlike you, I have no problem finding someone down in the red light district."

"Takeda was actually pretty good in bed." Natsuki said then, recalling the memory. "I mean, I only did it with him a few times, but I didn't have any complaints."

"The guy was a total pervert." That part wasn't easily forgotten either. "I would hope he would have been a sex god, considering how much porn he used to watch."

"Don't knock it..." Natsuki shrugged. "You have to admit, some of that wasn't half bad either." It was amazing what Takeda would talk her into watching. "He used to talk about porn as casually as someone talked about the latest television show."

"With how red your face got, I'm surprised you retained any of it." Nao cackled, as Natsuki's cheeks tinted a slight bit in a hue of pink. "Yep, just like that, but more like a tomato."

"Oh, shut up!" Natsuki yelled, throwing Nao's clean bra at her face. "And get dressed before our boss comes in...I won't be explaining why you're strutting around the office naked." After she grabbed all of her things that were on her desk, she also picked up the last job that needed to be done today. "I'm going to go give the estimate on this house before I head back home...see you later."

...  
(Natsuki POV)

I always tried to stop and think about back when I was younger. I would always close my eyes, and pretend that I had parents...then, I would ask myself what they would have done to me, if I had done something wrong. How would these important people in my life correct me? How would they reward the good, and discipline the bad? The memories I have of my father are barely there at all. He was a stern man, but a good man. He kept to himself, and my earliest memories of him consist of the man slouching over in his easy chair, mostly after working for several hours in a day.

In the morning, he was gone when I woke up...almost every night, he came home in a grumpy mood, and I would go to bed only a few hours after that. We didn't talk, we shouted. Normally, I was the one who could scream louder. Dad scared me sometimes, because I wasn't close with him...but he's a hard person to recall. If I try really hard, or if I catch a whiff of a particular cigarette brand, his face comes to mind...but it never lingers around. His work took him to many places, and often, he found himself in America spending time away from my household. I never questioned his absence, because of that.

My mother is an easier person to recall. She was, I assume, what any real mother would be like. A solid provider, loving, but never one to put up with back talking. I never shouted at her, because she wasn't the one I would fight with. I saw her as the authority in my life, but I also spent a lot of my time with her. We would play, and bake cookies...but we talked and watched television too. My mom worked full time, so I spent my days in a corporate childcare office before I was old enough to go to school.

Those images alone however, were not enough to guide my every decision when it came to raising Kane and Aki. I tried to think of the times I lashed out, of the times I was a difficult child...but as Kane and Aki got older...I realized my experience with what parents would do dwindled within a few months...then it bottomed out into nothingness. I couldn't rely on the memories, I learned that soon enough. There were times I got angry at the kids, perhaps unnecessarily so...but I was just a child myself, and I lacked the moral guidance one would have had otherwise. I had nothing to draw from...not even the abusive parents I saw on the network television, would tell me the things I needed to know.

Why did they do things that seemed wrong? Why would they be cold? Why would they get angry and yell? In other cases I wondered the opposite. Did they just not care? Was there something I was missing? There were times I found complacency astounding. That was another thing I often found myself pondering. Why would they spank? When would they let things go? When would they offer moral support? When would they let a kid cry it out on their own? Every single day, I found myself asking at least one of those questions in a new way.

I would feel lost because of it. Nao and I were cold people back then...we didn't exactly understand the things that Mai did. It wasn't that we were incapable of holding in our temper, it was that we understood very little on how children used to think.

I remember once, when Kane was four years old...he wet the bed. It was the only bed we had at the time. I was tired, and we were all hungry, having not much to eat for dinner that night. I was crabby, and if Mai hadn't been staying over, I honestly think I would have curled up in a corner and cursed the rest of the night away...but Mai didn't. She's an older sister...so she knows how to be nice...when to be calm. There were a lot of times I noticed it before...but that night was when I really had the wake up call.

Nao and I were strictly pissed off...we both have short tempers anyway, and we were loose cannons back then. Essentially speaking, the slightest thing would set us off...normally, Kane and Aki were the last two that could possibly do it...but, for some reason, I felt like the world was out to get me. Nao and I were ranting when we found out about it.

Long days at work, even longer nights working with them on the things they would need for school...skills they wouldn't have, if I didn't take the time...it was a lot for any person to take...we were angry...but not Mai.

She just flipped the mattress over, changed the bedsheets, and Kane while she was at it. I recall that she didn't yell at him...she didn't correct him even though by this time he had gone so far to upset himself about it, I wouldn't have needed to scold him...Mai just hugged him...showed him love. She knew the stress he would put on himself, and, for the first time, I'd begin to really understand my son through Mai's eyes.

Kane even to this day, never wants to let anybody down, and he'll become his own worst enemy because of it.

Mai never really believed in any of those parenting guides...and I found that really odd since when there was trouble, she was the first person I called. She knew, almost instinctively what to do, when all I could do was fumble around like an idiot, or panic in the worse case scenarios. She was always firm, but she was kind...always gentle when they were little. I knew I could be heavy handed, my memories are of that type of parent...but Mai hit home with something she'd said that night.

"_You were little back then you idiot! You probably remember it differently than it really was...if you try and remember how it was, you'll be seeing it through the eyes of a child...that's not going to help you down the line. You have to breath before you yell...think before you just blow hot air out of your butt...or that's what they'll see...do you really want him to learn that? Do you want him to be the way you are now, cursing at every little setback?"_

I'd never thought of it like that...but when I did, things became a lot easier. The questions became easier too. If I approved of it or not...if it was morally right...or if it wasn't. Was is really a big deal, or was it just a passing annoyance...there were the things I slowly began to consider, though it took time, I won't pretend to say that I changed my thinking instantly.

In fact, it's still a struggle not to let Aki see the real side of my temper. It's hard not to just go off the deep end, and yell at her when she started getting into fights at school...or when she skips classes...as they got older, I tried to do less and less...letting them learn for themselves. Now I'm at the point when I can really pull back, though there are times I don't.

I won't be a hypocrite...I won't be that parent...and it's hard to maintain that truth...but when they do something I know I used to do...and if I did it often...I back down...I let it happen. I'd like to think I grew into the role of raising them, because I know at first, I was a little idealistic shit...that's what I was, no question about it. I see the people they've become, and I see the qualities I've placed into them...I see it clearly, and I wish I'd spent the earliest years of their lives with the knowledge I'd had as they began to grow up...if I did, I think they would be better off.

I can't change the past though...so I have to hope that what I could give them was good enough...and that it will continue to be good enough as the years go by.

...

"Yeah...I know he does." Natsuki sighed as she let her phone sit on the table, the speaker continued broadcasting her conversation into the basement. "I don't blame him, but you know, you could always adopt." There were some conversations she didn't want to be apart of, but somehow, she was always dragged into them.

"I just wish it wasn't so hard." Mai had been gossiping for the past hour, the sounds of dicing up vegetables echoed through the speakers, each slice of the knife indicating it was something along the lines of a carrot. "I love him, really I do...but he wants another child more than anything...and he envies the fact that you have Kane."

"Uncle Tate is a lot different than being daddy." Natsuki said then, understanding a little bit of Tate's frustration. "But you've gotta hand the guy credit...he isn't as much of an idiot as I thought he would be...and I think your more desperate about it than he is." Tate was always supportive of Mai, and their daughter who was now in grade school. "If you cool your jets a little bit, I think you'd have an easier time." Even if he wanted a son more than anything in the world, he was also proud of his little family.

"I'm just trying to give him what he wants." Mai was on the defensive, and Natsuki stuck her tongue out at the phone, thankful that Mai couldn't see her. "What's wrong with being a proper wife?"

"You take the role of a wife and you run with it." Natsuki's words were blunted, but her aggravation was clear in her voice. "If you stress yourself out, you're not going to have another baby. A woman doesn't work that way, Mai. Just give it some time and wait it out...and like I said, if push comes to shove, you can always just adopt. Tate won't care if the baby's his in blood."

"But I will." Mai protested, not really wanting to hear what everyone had told her. She was hoping Natsuki would have been the supportive one. "I want to be the one to give him the one goal that he's always had. Tate wouldn't be bothered by it...and I would love any child that we bring into this house...but-" Mai didn't want to say it.

"You'd feel guilty...thinking you failed." Natsuki understood though...she just thought it was a stupid way to think. "It took you a long time the first time, so it'll likely take you a long time this time...just don't turn your sex life into a chore, would you...and give Nao a break, she keeps eating out of my fridge."

"Sorry..." Mai's voice became embarrassed. "I'll send over some stew with Nao...you can freeze it and make a quick meal later in the week."

"Throw in some extra broth, and a few really good cuts of bread, and it sounds good to me." The call seemed to end like most of their calls tended to do. A long, often boring or annoying conversation, ending with an abrupt ending when both parties had run out of things to say. Natsuki wasn't bothered with it, knowing that was simply the way they knew how to deal with each other. After hanging up her end of the phone, and getting something to drink of the canteen she had nearby, she resumed her current task.

Natsuki didn't get the chance to ask how school went Monday afternoon as the front door slammed hard.

The sounds of someone rushing into the first door in the upstairs hallway was her only greeting. It told Natsuki her son had come barreling through the house. She peered up at the ceiling as the light bobbed around momentarily. She licked her lips, and then took a sip of amber liquid in the canteen again had before exiting the basement. Her project of fixing the blasted water heater would be need to be forgotten again.

Instead, she let her mind throw around possible reasons for this. It was rare for Kane to cause such a stir, but when Aki also flew by in a hurry, Natsuki's concern deepened. She followed the two teens upstairs, and put a hand on Aki's shoulder.

"The kids are teasing him." Aki's said quietly at the wordless question. "He...uhhh..." Aki sighed as she backed away from the door. "I think we should leave him alone."

"Go do your homework, or if you think this is one of those bad times, go call Nao and Mai." Natsuki said then, knowing in times of trouble, it was only right to have one of those family meetings. "I think I need to go talk to him." Nao would want to be there, would have already flung Kane's door open, if she had been in the house at the time. Nao didn't play games, and often, she wouldn't think of mercy if one of the twins had been hurt.

"Don't do that." Aki whispered, anger tinting her eyes just a bit. "He's already embarrassed enough as it is."

"Yeah, but why?" Natsuki muttered, lost for words as she tried to keep her voice down. "What happened at school today?"

Aki's eyes hit the floor. "Mom, leave him alone." She grabbed onto Natsuki hand, all but begging her to let go of the door handle. "Please, just for now...leave him be."

Natsuki sighed, but relented. "Alright, but if he doesn't come out of his room by dinner, I'm going in there to see what's really going on." One look at Aki's knuckles, and she knew she would likely get a call in the following days. "Go wash up, and then do your homework...the only reason you aren't going to be grounded to high heaven right about now, is because I'm going to assume it was self defense." It was another fight, Natsuki knew those bruises anywhere.

"Then you better just ground me now, and get it over with." If Aki was anything, she was at least truthful. "It wasn't defense...and yes, I roughed up the little twerp a bit. He should know better than to mess with my brother. The jerk had it coming, first year's are stupid anyway."

Natsuki rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Please tell me there wasn't an all out brawl." Natsuki wouldn't have put it past the two of them. They were notoriously protective of each other. Aki shook her head, but stayed quiet, and Natsuki sighed again. "He isn't hurt, is he?"

"No...he's not bleeding or anything...but, Kane needs time...I know that he does." Aki walked over to her bedroom door. "I'll make sure he comes down for dinner." She was being sheepish and docile, as if she was worried too, but she was going to wait...and that truth calmed Natsuki's nerves.

Natsuki looked at Kane's door for a moment longer before going back into the basement. She really wanted to finish dealing with the water heater, and to give her kids some time alone. She was finished with what had to be done in record time, though it was an easy fix. It was pizza night at the house, followed by games and movies. Nao, as always on pizza night, would come with a six pack and extra controllers, so Natsuki took the liberty of texting Shizuru an invitation as well. It was, for lack of a better term, a good way to break the ice slowly.

There was a few moments then, when the world seemed idle, and Natsuki found herself restless. It was a time like this, that she wished Shizuru was as much apart of the routine as Nao or Mai. She wanted that simplicity, to just have someone around, without really needing a reason to say the fact aloud. She'd wished she could leave matters at rest, and forget about them so easily, but that just wasn't the case.

If she hadn't known anything about Shizuru, life would have just stayed the same. Idle time like this would be drab, and Natsuki would just mellow out with a beer, perhaps go and try to talk to Kane...right now though, she found she hadn't the strength. She might have called Nao and gone of to smoke a little confidence back into herself, something she only did when she knew she couldn't relax.

It bothered her...not knowing what was going on, and yet, she suspected she understood everything properly.

It made sense after all, and it suited Kane's personality. Even a window into his soul could not detect the subtleties of that boy. He was growing up, and perhaps in some ways, he wanted to face things alone. She could take pride in that, but she couldn't help him. She wanted dearly to be at his side in times of trouble, but this was unlike the other difficulties in his life.

Natsuki walked over to Shizuru's front door and let herself in when she noticed the woman was reading. "Hey stranger." It was a greeting that elicited a soft smile, and a most welcomed greeting placed upon her lips. Natsuki forced herself to be mindful of the front window, and didn't let the kiss linger for long. "I was in need of an escape." Natsuki said then intertwining their fingers together as she kissed the back of Shizuru's hand, a quite plea not to be overt.

"Trouble brewing already?" Shizuru wondered that, but Natsuki just smirked and shook her head. "That can't be good."

"No more trouble than any other day...I'm just waiting things out for now." Natsuki could see the question Shizuru wanted to ask. Those white teeth softly worrying a thin lower lip, keeping such a question from leaking out. Crimson red eyes sparkled, fighting away the words in her mind. Natsuki answered, for Shizuru's benefit. "They're teenagers, and as much as I want to go to Kane and try to help him out, I can't. If he does end up going to one of those schools far away, I have to be confidant that he is old enough to make the right choices. I have to know he can come to me. I won't be able to protect him otherwise." Her thumb ran small circles along the back of Shizuru's hand, a passing distraction, as she sighed out the last of her stress. "Still, I can't help but feel that his troubles aren't actually trouble, and just more of a circumstance that he'll just have to accept."

"It's bothering you, because you don't know that for sure." Shizuru knew that look as one of conflicting endeavors. Natsuki wanted to be the person she had built herself up to be, but, she knew she couldn't do it forever. "Do you think he'll open up about it?"

"With Kane, that's hard to say." Natsuki knew he might not ever say a word. "If it were Aki, it would only be a matter of time. Sooner or later, this would all come tumbling down in a fit or rage, and a big mess to clean up after that...but Aki's that type of person...if no one takes notice, she'll force them to see things the way that she does." Natsuki knew however, that was the anger that surged within Aki. It was the fact she knew there was something askew, but couldn't put her finger on just what exactly that issue was. "She got into a fist fight today, but that's not unusual. If Kane lets this go on for any length of time, Aki might say something...but, somehow, I feel like she's trying to protect her brother." Natsuki just shrugged. "That's why I think the problem that's really going on...it isn't really that big a deal."

"It sounds like it's a rather huge deal, if you ask me." Shizuru finally said, unsure of why Natsuki seemed so calm.

"I'm not going to feed you ideas about Kane...I could be wrong about it anyway...but, the fact of the matter is, Kane thinks the world of a few people in his life. If he had any fear in his mind that he may disappoint them, he wouldn't want to talk about it...and it would cause more trouble if I confronted him." Natsuki knew however, that Shizuru wouldn't follow the messy trail of thought. "This is something only Kane can work out...I can't interfere." It would have to remain a mystery.

"You seem pretty sure of that." This life of Natsuki's seemed like vortex of emotion. So much good, a dash of difficulty, and a past that had been poisonous to the core. It was a fulfilling life, she could see that...but Shizuru had to wonder what would have happened if she had kept the twins. She doubted they would be so strong. She questioned, if she would have the ability to just sit around, and wait for her little boy, who wasn't quite so little anymore, to come to her for help. Shizuru already knew those answers, and they tasted bitter in her mouth.

If she had that type of strength to begin with, she never would have accepted the offer her father put on the table. "I'll admit, I've not the slightest clue how to deal wish such matters." She would have been pigheaded, at the expense of the people that had mattered the most. "I wish I could have that same conviction." It was true, she'd admitted defeat...but she hadn't failed them.

"It sounds better than it actually is." Natsuki chuckled as she put her arm around Shizuru's shoulders. "There times when I think I'm losing my mind. Others, life couldn't be better." It was so easy, and yet so complicated, a spinning ire of truth and lies waiting to implode on itself. "This is just one of those 'losing my mind' times."

"Do you really think it's alright for me to be involved in their lives?" If it was the luck of the draw, or fate itself, Shizuru knew that her children had been left in capable hands.

"That's all subjective, Shizuru...but yeah...I want you by our side." The truths of today colored that rainbow, even if they didn't want to see the darkness found within the light. Yesterday was gone, and should have's, would have's, were merely a whisper in the wind. "I hope they will too, but I don't think it'll be easy."

The memories framed in Shizuru's mind paled in compassionate...the horrific dreams she'd had were merely that...events that didn't happen...things that haunted her, because her fears had taken over...the truth was kind...it warm, and loving. Never perfect perhaps, yet it was the nearest thing it could be. Shizuru would have to put faith in that, and she leaned into Natsuki, enjoying the embrace as they both sat on the sofa, waiting as the time passed them by.

It was with that, they talked about nonsensical, meaningless things. It may have seemed unimportant, but it was refreshing for them. A shared cup of tea, soothing to the soul.

…  
(Natsuki POV)

I'm not exactly the best parent when it comes to censoring what my kids do. I don't really think about it. You know, there are times I used to worry about it. Then, I just stopped caring...the thing is, the way they grew up, there wasn't anything I could really do to keep them away from the actual realities of life...so I thought I might as well just toss them both in head first, hoping to god they could swim, so to speak. Yeah, LAN parties with wires trailing all over my house may seem questionable at the best of times, flat out a bad influence during others.

I just don't care.

I know where my twins are most of the time...I know what they watch, what they do...granted, there have been times I've seen the cable bill and about shat bricks...like when I found out they were renting the play boy channel with some explicit movies...but, that's just joys of being a teenager. Actually, I'd be more worried if they didn't get into that type of trouble, at least, occasionally. Time just slows down a bit, when we're all watching the glowing monitor, pressing buttons, eating pizza...just being a family. It's nights like that, when I let them get away the most with being bad.

I won't lie, I've seen them take tips out of Nao's beer of several occasions...Aki almost always does it right in front of my face. I like that, prefer that they're with me, if they're going to be doing it at all. At least here I can keep an eye on them, control the small hints of rebellion that seem to rise to the surface. Cussing seems to run rampant, we're all swearing at each other when we're playing, but...it's all good fun...a way I guess, to just let them blow off steam.

Shizuru looked lost when Kane had essentially shoved a wireless controller into her hands. His grin said it all, and you know...I could see it...the family resemblance that no one else dared to see. I know there were a few times Shizuru wanted to object, or correct them, and she would look at me. Her crimson eyes glimmered in ways that made my heart swell. The slow motion of her every movement seemed to me, as if she were trying for the first time to see beyond the just the faces of Aki and Kane. I could see how lost she was, by even the most simple of sentences. It came naturally to them, to just horse around in the living room, nearly breaking a lamp with a pillow in the process. For what it was worth, they'd been aiming at Nao.

In so many ways, I'm sure to Shizuru that it seemed like some sort of fantasy.

They passed out that night in front of the flickering screen, A sight I'd seen so many times, I'd lost count. For Shizuru, it was the first time she'd seen the innocence upon their faces...their defenses lost to the depth of sleep. I think, Nao and I took a lot of this kind of stuff for granted. I know Aki and Kane have no idea what their lives could have been like. I wonder, if instead of blowing away characters away on a pixel covered screen, if Shizuru would have encouraged reading, or perhaps teaching her children to properly enjoy the outdoors.

I'm not really sure...but tonight I saw for the first time, the kindness of the woman who'd left them.

Seeing her interact with them, fumbling through seemingly simple topics, that for her were unknown territory. If someone were to ask me what I thought about that...if Nao would have pulled her head out of her ass, she would have agreed. The scene, the truth...it was beautiful...it was the way things should have been.

However, I regret to say, they see her as what she is outwardly, our neighbor. For now, I would rather her see them like that, then see them with reservations in their eyes. I think Aki will become judgmental, and I'm prying nights like tonight will curb that, even if it's just a little bit.

…

"Are you sure this is a wise idea?" Shizuru asked softly as Natsuki took her hand to lead her upstairs. "Maybe I should go home for the night." It was the first time in the weeks they'd been seeing each other that Shizuru would be allowed to stay over on a school night.

"Shizuru..." Emerald eyes regarded the taller woman in the dark as they stood frozen in the stairway. "I won't deny that this is rushed." Still, it was what she wanted the most. "If you want to go home, I won't stop you. Yet, at the same time, I won't ask you to go either..." Natsuki looked into the living room, where the twins were still snoring away. "Part of me is praying that I don't have to beg you to stay. My place is here, because when the two of them wake up in the morning, this house will be a mess. They don't expect that Nao will be here, but they depend on the fact that I will be. I want you in my bed when I wake up tomorrow, as wrong as that may sound...but, I can understand your worries, because I have them too."

A hesitating kiss shared between them seemed like an eternity between shared heartbeats. The light blue paint of the hall muted into nothingness when Natsuki leaned back on it. "I don't date." Shizuru breathed then, trying her best to see through the darkness. "I've never been good at that." Old, well rehearsed lines fell from her lips, even as her deft fingers toyed with the buttons on Natsuki's shirt. She wondered just where this new threshold put her, where did she stand? How close was she to the family she wanted to be apart of? "But you already know that." So why...what did Natsuki think she was doing? "I can only wonder what could be playing in the back of your mind."

It was a quandary that no one had answers for. If they did, it would cheapen the sentiment. "Who says we're dating?" Natsuki asked heatedly, her pulse quickening. "Shizuru, those are your children in there...this is me standing right here. Dating is for people who have the luxury to get hurt and move on. We don't have that." She licked her lips as she pulled Shizuru the rest of the way up the flight, and into the hall. Emerald eyes hardened in confusion, as her breath fell from her lips in shallow admissions she dared not say. "I'm not asking to just date you."

Shizuru closed her eyes as she felt gentles hands pull her into an embrace, and she couldn't stop herself from trembling. "Then, just what are you implying?" Her voice shook as she tried so very hard to keep herself from relenting. "Don't start making weird confessions." It was too soon, her mind screamed that...words like this, they didn't come so easily to people. "I can't deal with that." She could see it in Natsuki's eyes, she could hear it in her voice. Shizuru had tried to ignore it, but it was getting harder and harder to do that.

Natsuki let her eyes fall to the floor, as her words fought to find a place between them. "You know that I can't say things like that." No, she couldn't say it. "I'm not able to say those words." Natsuki knew well, her actions could scream it. Her eyes could call out to be heard. She wanted to just say it, but the promises it contained weren't things either of them could accept yet. "I can't deny what I feel...even if we both know I want to say it...I'm incapable of those words." She tried to search for something else to say, falling short, there was nothing that could compare. "I'm not asking anything...I just want you around, Shizuru. It can be that easy."

"Can it really?" It didn't seem like it, but if it could be, Shizuru wanted that dearly.

"It's time for bed, we've got to get up early in the morning." That was Natsuki's answer. Simple, and without the undercurrent of desire that bubbled within her. Sleep without pretense, actions based on whim...Natsuki felt as if for once in her life, something like that would not only be alright, it would be the very lifeblood for both of them.

"What if I'm not sleepy?" Shizuru asked then, wondering if she could push the tiniest confession from Natsuki's soul. Anything a step in the right direction so that she could deny that she felt the same...Shizuru knew it would be a lie, because she shared the same fear within her gut...would they truly be accepted? Could they love without causing pain? Shizuru wanted so dearly for the answer to be something near the affirmative. "You know how I am, Natsuki." Shizuru's voice was devoid of flirtation, and brutally honest. "Can you honestly imagine this is a good idea?"

"I can abandon any and all pretense." Natsuki said then, letting her fingers trail up Shizuru's thighs, resting her palms on Shizuru's denim clad hips. "But, I can't force you to understand what it might mean. Everyone else around me would know my intention, but for you, that would be something you'd need to learn." Natsuki wasn't entirely sure of that herself, and it bothered her, not having something so simple at her fingertips. "I can't say it will be good."

"However, you can't deny that even if it were bad, that you wouldn't regret it." No, Shizuru knew well by now. Natsuki wasn't careless, she did everything she meant to do, even if the words never fell from her lips. "You're playing at a dangerous game."

"Stupid, perhaps." Natsuki replied easily. "Dangerous hasn't even begun to happen."

Sleep didn't claim them and the dark hall protected them from the harsh truth. What they really wanted wasn't so far away from grasp. Yet, it was not so easily attained either. Just as not a single eye could fall upon them in the safety of their world, so too, was it true that they could not see into the future that would await the two of them if they kept up this way of life.

Soon, eventually, someone would pull away the secretes of those silken sheets, but, Natsuki wasn't ready to admit that.

If this were any other time, Shizuru wouldn't give a damn about it. If this were any other time, they would tear away their clothes, and along with them, the very notion of hiding in the shadows. It was a dance they'd done so many times before, caressing moist heat, wrapped up in the lacy uncertainty. There were so few times they actually made it to the bed, usually settling for the chase lounge that was near to Natsuki's door.

Instead however, there was something less hungry, and perhaps just a little more apprehensive about the way shared heated kisses, and barely there whispers that carried into the night, knowing they would have to be quiet. Shizuru wondered if she had the strength to become a lover in the intimate sense, forgoing carnal, primal needs, for those of a domestic calling. It was uncanny, and not a bit unnerving...and yet, she couldn't deny the warmth she felt, the joy of even Natsuki's kiss.

They forwent the brutally raw sexual desire that Shizuru was so adept in coaxing from Natsuki's breath. Who knew, after all, how fleeting sharing in a simple embrace would be. This night was not like every other night, Natsuki had put trust in that fact. Shizuru felt as if she were young again, muddling through something not entirely sexual, but just as passionate, and she wondered if she could really do this.

Natsuki had taken her to bed for sleep...purely sleep, and nothing more...and she wondered for not the first time that night, what Natsuki's signals might mean.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Not much to say today, I'm on a crunch for time...but, I hope you are all ready for this chapter, lots of stuff going on here. I don't own Mai HiME.

* * *

**White Fence  
Chapter Five  
**(Natsuki POV)

Yes...I took her to my bed, knowing it would likely be a bad idea...but it's like Shizuru's said several times before. She doesn't date others...and I'm not a datable person. I want to feel something for her, but I don't want to explain those feelings to anyone else...so many people don't even deserve the time of day. The ones that do, well, they would never ask anyway.

Kane, Aki, Nao...and Mai.

Those are the people who matter. Nao doesn't need an explanation. She wouldn't care to hear it, even if I had one. Mai, she understands that I'm not one for telling others the real depth behind my every breath. So that leaves the twins. I could feel guilty about this, but, I also know that when I spill the beans, there will be no protecting them anyway.

Kane, he's a strong young man, but he holds a lot of things inside. Like most young men his age, he is learning what it means to love for the first time. What it means to care about someone honestly, fully, and with all of his heart. I think he's ready for that, but, I raised Kane to be ready. I wanted him to be the man he should be for the people in his life. At his age, I was also sexually active, although it never went anywhere.

I was the type of person who wasn't as careful as I should have been, looking back, I'm surprised I didn't catch anything.

I think, if I told him the truth, he would accept it without question. Kane is that type of person. Easygoing and without much that he worries about. As long as he could go on living the life he's always known, having the freedoms he's always had...he would likely nod his head, and accept everything. He would treat his real mother kindly, he would be formal, and polite. Even if he never grew to love her, he would never disrespect her...though, he has his own ways of acting out, he's shy, and quiet when it really matters.

I think the thing he's afraid of most is that I know the truth about him. Kane is older now, but he's still that baby boy in a lot of ways. He's still studying the world, deciding for himself when it's time to let his feelings be known. That's just Kane's way of doing things. He wants to be accepted, without having to explain his every whim. It's because of that, that I know he would accept what I tell him. He would give me the same courtesy, and he would expect I return the favor.

Aki, now she's an entirely different matter.

She followed my every move when she was a baby. She was like the shadow I couldn't get rid of, and I realized everything I did, she would see it...Aki learned a lot of negative things...and sometimes, I feel as if I've failed her...but then, I look at her...I watch over her just when she's alone, when she's looking out of the window, or when she's writing in one of her books, and I see the truth. Her heart, fragile, and soft...she tries so hard to be strong, but she fights every battle on her own.

Kane fights his battles quietly, and Aki, she shouts them to the world...and, at me.

I wouldn't know what to do if she took the truth badly...yet, I know that she will not take it easily. Aki isn't the type to take words at face value. Because of that, she gets into trouble. She thinks she's so much smarter than the rest of the world, and in some ways, I'd agree. Aki sees things in a unique way...she can pluck all of the good out of a bad situation, she can define it. Still, even if she can, it doesn't mean that she will.

Just as she can see the good things in places no one would dare look, she can ruin the best of intentions. She can see through people, see what they really want, and her eyes are such a deep crimson, that it pulls forth uneasiness within me. Whenever I see her hurting, I feel helpless. She tries so hard, but her attitude sometimes gets in the way.

She cries a lot, when she thinks no one is looking. I've tried to do the best I can for her, but if she's learned the one thing from me, it's the one thing that I could never let go of. Resentment...for my parents, my friends, and the people who left me behind.

Aki is the one who really knows, even if she doesn't say it. We don't look any alike. I'm a single parent. Where's her father? That was a question I battled for years, before I finally ended it crassly. She didn't have one, I didn't know who he was, and I wouldn't find him. It was all I could say...but Aki, she can do the math. There's a deep resentment there, knowing she was left behind by unknown shadows.

If it was a father, or an entire family, she doesn't know for sure...but she does see the difference that Kane doesn't care to look for.

I don't want to give her anything she can grasp onto...if I did, Aki could grow angry, and I don't know if that would be the best thing for her. I don't know if she could move beyond the anger, and see beyond her own fears. I want her to fight her own emotions, and to go beyond her denials. She can be so much stronger, if only she had the courage to have faith in herself. I pray, that once she learns the truth, she can begin to work past the feelings of being unwanted.

Then as if the two of them weren't enough, I have Shizuru to worry about.

I love her, but that love is new. It's an unknown territory for me. I never had time for love, I hardly had time for my friends. My loyalties are with Kane and Aki. They're who I love most, who I want to protect, no matter what. Still, Shizuru has a right to stand alongside of them, and every time she looks at that them...it melts my heart. She is their mother...she is the person I only pretended to be...but, it's my wish that she could be something more, for all of us. That she could walk into our lives, not as a neighbor, or merely a friend...but so much more.

I'd be lying, if I didn't say it...but that's what I desire most.

…

There was one blissful thing about having a room near the back of the house. The sun didn't show it's ungodly happy glow until well into the afternoon. Natsuki kept her blinds closed anyway, so for her the early morning was the same as midnight. She couldn't ever tell the difference. The alarm clock would beep it's annoying tune, if she remembered to set it. Thankfully, though, if she did forget, which happened more often than not, her phone was also on her nightstand, waiting to blast a ring tone into the peaceful room.

If it had been any other day, Natsuki would have grumbled, and rolled over through several different alarms, hating the very ideal of being torn from sleep. This morning was different though, and Natsuki knew the sun would not yet rise for a few hours. She had woken up to the first alarm. She smirked, knowing she'd have at least a few hours to kill, and that's when she had first gotten herself into trouble. She had remembered to shove a pillow into the laundry shoot in case they'd gotten loud, but honestly, they'd just spent a few peaceful moments of bliss together, wrapping themselves up in the warm feelings that had become to feel like an addiction.

She'd been tired before, and sleep had been at the forefront of her mind. Shizuru being the early riser that she was, had all but jumped at the offered opportunity for affection. A few soft murmurs, a kiss here and there...a tantalizing finger, trailing up her bare thigh in such a way that it almost tickled, but not quite, gave her reason enough to pin a sleepy Natsuki underneath her. "Someone's playful this morning..." Natsuki's voice was a slow drone, something intoxicating in and of itself as it rumbled just a tiny bit.

"What if I am?" She didn't let Natsuki begin to even think of an answer, as her lips claimed the woman under her. She kept Natsuki's hands pinned, as she melted into the kiss, the feeling of their bare breast touching enough to send a shiver down her spine. "What would we do about it?" Her words mingled upon baited breath, and Natsuki purred low in her throat, inviting the welcome contrast as Shizuru's fingers began to draw small circles around one of Natsuki's pert nipples.

Natsuki all but swallowed the fear of being heard, forcing it down into the recesses of her mind. She was an adult, she could do what she wanted, and she wished dearly to make love to the woman of deep crimson eyes. Natsuki looked at the clock, the annoyingly green lights twinkling away a number that was both completely safe, and yet bordering on stupid. "We have time, but, only for a quickie." Natsuki whispered then as she broke her hands free of the single palm that had been holding them over her head. She wanted to embrace Shizuru fully, gliding down the small of Shizuru's back with ease before running her fingers idly across the white panties that Shizuru had been wearing. "But we have to be quiet, so you can't be teasing me today."

Shizuru's response was nearly aggressive as she slid her fingers down and underneath the black silk of Natsuki's underwear, not even bothering to take them off. She claimed Natsuki's lips in a fierce kiss. Impassioned by Shizuru's bold advance, Natsuki let herself be swept away by the heady scent that tickled her senses as they moved as one, their fingers slipping in and out of each other in both a frenzied, but quiet pace, as they tried desperately not to make a sound. Their breaths were shallow, quickened by the fact that the inferno had only just begun, and they knew, it would end just as quickly as it started. Soft, gentle teasing had been forgotten, the need for an immediate release at the forefront of their minds as they coaxed womanhood into slick, heated arousal.

Natsuki turned the tables quickly however, when she grew frustrated at the cloth that covered Shizuru. The rather plain panties were easily ripped by her blunt nails, and then, Natsuki broke the kiss, and stilled Shizuru's tortuous hand, pulling the offender away from its mission. Natsuki gently pushed Shizuru down on the bed. Her own need for a release went forgotten as she trailed her lips lower, and lower, playing with the soft, tantalizing flesh that rippled under her every breath and soft kiss. It was when her tongue tasted the arousal gifted within soft, velvety folds, that time seemed to run away from them.

Shizuru's hips bucked at Natsuki's every whim. Lost for words and her very breath, Shizuru's fingers began to tangle themselves deeply in Natsuki's midnight tresses. There was no doubt in either of their minds, and they both freely gave into the shuttering waves of pleasure that seemed to carry Shizuru away.

"Holy shit..." And then, just like a train wreck, it finally happened.

As quickly as the door had opened, it had slammed back closed. Kane was startled, surely on the other side of the door, and it wasn't even a few seconds before they heard the door to his room lock away the world. Natsuki froze, and sighed, only hesitating for a moment as she tried to collect her thoughts, resting her head on Shizuru's navel. She was unsure if this was a godsend, or a one way ticket into a day of hell.

"At least he was the lesser of two evils." Natsuki muttered, finding a pair of her pants that were folded on her dresser. "I'll be right back...so stay here." Natsuki didn't wait for a response as she walked out of her room, closing the door behind her. She had tossed on one of her button down shirts, but only bothered to deal with the middle few before she walked into Kane's room, watching him as he gazed out of his window.

Natsuki bit her lip, trying to think of something she could say for what her son had just witnessed, but she also knew, this truth would have to come forth sooner or later. She was saved when his voice drifted into her ears.

"I've always tried to be the man everyone else wanted me to be." Kane said softly, his voice wavering as he didn't dare look at the woman behind him. "I've tried hard, to live up to the eyes of everyone, to be someone worthy of respect." His words were something true, from the pit of his heart, but as he stood there, he shook visibly. "I wanted that, no matter what. To be a man worthy of having a family. To be the man that Tate is for his family...I've watched him from afar, admired him, because he was the only man I knew." He hung his head low, and Natsuki could see that he was crying. She knew better than to get close to him, but felt helpless all the same. "He is honest, and strong...honorable too." This was Kane's way of dealing with things, and she was going to let him react as he saw fit. "I've always wanted to be like that...but I couldn't be."

This was her chance. "Even Tate's had his moments of weakness." Natsuki knew she wouldn't ever get such an open confession from Kane ever again. "Who says you can't be like him?" She knew what he was trying to say. He was relieved, but so very confused. This was her son in front of her, and yet, he wouldn't meet her gaze.

"Everyone around me." He tried to make the tears in his eyes stop, it was a rarity for him to cry in the first place, and he felt ashamed that he was doing it at all, let alone in front of his own mother. "There isn't a place for people like us."

Natsuki scowled in anger...he'd said it, but now she understood clearly what he had been facing down. She crossed her arms, and leaned back on his door. "It gets easier, after you become an adult." She kept her voice low, not knowing if this had been aired to anyone else or not. "Relationships become less defined. You have to let go of the people who are so dead set in having labels...even if you wanted to use one, being gay isn't a crime. Living your life in fear of being hated, isn't a life worth living, Kane. You have to make your life your own."

"So says the closet lesbian." He muttered, finally calmed down, at least a little bit, dragging an arm across his face to pull away the tears. "Why didn't you ever tell us?" There was a hint of anger in his voice, but it wasn't aimed at her.

"There wasn't anything to tell." Natsuki said then, seeing everything within him come full circle. "You were young...you can't remember when I had girlfriends. Hell, I could hardly remember myself." She pulled the hair that fell over her shoulders behind her back, and sighed down at the floor. "There wasn't anything to hide, but it wasn't anything I could just come out and say either." She bit her lip, wondering how much she should tell him, but every admissions she thought about came up short. "I've been with both men and women..given my past, you can't blame me for not having a decisive answer...but in truth, being at the age I am, and understanding the world as I do...I don't regret that. In fact, I pity anyone who refuses to accept me. The person I choose to love is something only I have a say in...not the rest of the world."

"Do you really love her?" The question was soft, innocent as if it had come from the lips of a small child, and not those of a teenage boy. "How can you say you love somebody, but then, you won't even say that to the people who matter most?"

"It's complicated." Natsuki began, feeling the weight, the wish to just tell him the truth and be done with it. "It isn't a question of my feelings. It's a question of time, a hope that everything else will fall into place." She almost wished there was a man around the house, someone like Tate, that this boy could confide in. In truth, there wasn't anyone else here who would understand. "You have a boyfriend, don't you?" Kane nodded, but didn't say anything. "You've been having sex with him, right?" Again, Kane nodded, and Natsuki just shook her head. "Gender aside, how is that any different from what I was just doing?"

"It's not." He finally said, still feeling shameful. "I know that it isn't..." His anger and hatred was something he had been aiming at himself.

"Alright, I get it..." Natsuki sighed. "It's different when it's me...but Kane, really, there are situations that are going on with Shizuru and I. Things that she isn't ready to talk about. Just like you are afraid people will hate you, Shizuru is downright petrified that you'll deem her unworthy of being apart of our family. You and your sister mean the world to me, and she doesn't just have to win my heart, she has to earn your acceptance too. She's frightened of that...I can't ask you to blindly accept her. It would be unfair." Still, Natsuki wished it would be as easy as she hoped. "But I can ask you to be kind to her...that you will accept what I do with my life, even if that means she ends up in my bed."

"You can't possibly understand." He felt conflicted, as if the person he truly was had been locked away for years. He hated that he had kept it that way for nothing. If Kane was any type of person in his life, he was the type to find strength where there wasn't any to be found. "If you did, you wouldn't be making excuses, hiding for your own protection." Perhaps, in that way, he was not unlike those who had influenced him. Even now, in his chocolate brown eyes, she saw the hints of those around him. They were his strength, but they were also his greatest weakness. "I was alone. No one would understand it, and even if they could, it would be another strike against me."

Natsuki frowned, disheartened at that. "I was never truly alone." She told him, the memories of her own childhood a grim truth to her shortcomings. "I had people who cared, but Kane, we are only human. Those of us that stood together, we were broken people in a lot of ways." Entirely, that was the problem. "You had those same people in your life too. Mai always took care of you when I was a jackass, and I swear to god, I'll kill Nao if she teaches Aki any more bad habits...if you think about it, Tate's an outright bastard, but the people he cares about are different...he looks after them Kane...he does his best for his family." Though the kendo equipment that was hanging on Kane's wall spoke even more truth into that. "The one thing Tate has always wanted, more than anything else in the world, is a son...he's lived out that dream of his, through you."

"I'm the twisted one." Kane's words were honest. "Aki would never accept me. I wouldn't be Kane anymore, I wouldn't just be me. I would be her gay brother." Now that he was calm, he was returning to his quiet normalcy. In that, however, his words were painful to hear. "Uncle Tate would look at me and I would see the disappointment he would try to hide."

"For the sake of your sanity, I'm going to let you in on a little secret." Natsuki couldn't believe she was about to air the one thing she and Nao had always kept quiet about. Still, if there had ever been an embarrassing situation, one where she felt she would be hated by those close to her, it would have been that one time. "You and Aki were still pretty little, I honestly thought I was going to lose my mind. She just kept screaming, and there wasn't anything Nao and I could do to stop her...Mai merely walked into the front door of the chapel, and Aki stopped...there was a long time in Aki's life when she wanted everything to do with Mai, and nothing to do with me. I found out later, that was a normal way for little kids to act, but I'd thought back then, that she hated me...I got drunk that night...and I don't mean the kind of drunk Nao gets on a gaming night."

"What other kind of drunk is there?" Kane asked as he walked over to his bed to sit down. "Let's face it, there are times she can't see five feet in front of her face."

"Worse than that." Natsuki frowned. "The kind when you lose any and all control that you have...the kind of drunk a person gets, when they want to escape from reality...when they feel worthless. Nao and I, back before you were around used to do it all the time...but I tried to sober up once I had to look after the both of you." Natsuki pushed herself off the wall, and joined her son, looking at the floor, and sighing as she hunched over. "Anyway, I don't remember what we did...but Mai woke us up the next day...Nao and I were naked, and we had no idea how on god's green earth that we had gotten that way. Mai was disappointed in the both of us, but it wasn't because Nao and I had banged each other on the floor of a church." Although, the irony wasn't lost on her either...sooner or later, it was bound to happen.

"That's a good way to go to hell." Kane mumbled dryly.

"That's exactly what Nao said when we woke up." The hangover they shared had been terrible, Natsuki wouldn't ever forget it. "Honestly though, I thought Mai was going to bitch at us about it...turns out...Mai wasn't mad because of that...she was upset because we'd tried to deal with our problems on our own, and it led to a bad situation." Though, in truth, that was Nao's nature from the get go, so it wasn't a huge shock. "We had the potential to hurt a lot of people because we hadn't been thinking...you and Aki were two of those people. You were dependent on me, and that night, I had let you down by not being in my right of mind. Mai and Nao could have abandoned me many times, Kane, but they didn't."

"It doesn't mean they won't abandon me." It was a simple statement, but when he'd said it, he felt his mom ruffle his hair.

"You aren't one to tell people conclusively how you feel. Nao and I are the same in that. Mai's just a little bit more bubbly, and she says what she means to say." Natsuki couldn't promise him anything, because it was a truth he would have to learn for himself. "But if you bring someone home that is respectable, and treats you the way you should be treated...if you expect of us to wordlessly welcome that person into our family, we will, Kane. Mai and Tate would follow in that, because they respect and love you."

Kane nodded, but he didn't say anything. It would take him time to find comfort in those words. If she thought hugging him, or drawing out the conversation would have worked, she would have...but he was not so easily convinced by bold declarations. He was always the observer, and he'd want to see for himself. She couldn't do anything about the four walls and the roof over his head...only time would show him the honesty in her statement.

For now though, she could protect him from everyone else, and give him the choice to escape for a while. "You can stay home from school until further notice. I want to put a foot up a few asses before you go back anyway." Natsuki said then, thankful that one dilemma had been averted, but then she paused. "Have you been using the condoms?" The last question was dry, but she hoped Kane was at least trying to be safe.

"Mom!" Kane nearly barked, his cheeks a deep red color.

"I don't like having to ask that any more than you want to answer me." Natsuki grumbled back at him. "But they're important...one day, when your older, you can decide for yourself weather or not you use protection." The blush across his face kept getting redder and redder. "For now, just use them Kane, that's all I ask. Do anything you can to be safe, even if that means bringing your boyfriend here. I can't control what you do when I'm not around, but I can at least enable you to be as safe as possible." With that, she left her son well enough alone, knowing he still would need time to gather his thoughts.

She could hear the shouting downstairs, Nao and Aki fighting about whatever was burning in the kitchen. It was a surprise that Nao had stayed through the night. Natsuki just chuckled a little bit. If Nao was there, she would let the red head deal with the venomous teen on an early morning. Aki was always at her worst before school. Instead, Natsuki went to her own room.

Shizuru had fully dressed, and had been waiting, the anxiety in her eyes something so deep, Natsuki knew Shizuru had been crying, likely beating herself up over Kane's discovery. She closed the door behind her, frowning at one small aspect of lifestyle. "The idea of privacy isn't exactly one we use around here." None of the bedrooms had locks on the doors. "When you live in a chapel, and then an apartment with only one bathroom...well, we all tossed modesty out the window."

"How did he handle it?" That's all that mattered in her mind. Shizuru couldn't force herself to be worried about anything else.

Natsuki just smirked a little bit. "He's okay...a little pissed off at himself I think, for not being able to trust other people...but he'll be okay." Shizuru nodded, but she didn't look convinced. Natsuki was tired, and the fact that she had the morning off, meant that she was going to at least try to crawl back into bed. "He's just gay...that's all."

"He's just gay? As if a hurricane is little more than a moist breeze, he's just gay?" Shizuru seemed hurt at that, and Natsuki looked back at Shizuru, seeing perhaps, a past that had been filled with a rejection for such a feeling. This had to be part of the hell the Fujino namesake brought upon people. "You put a lot of faith in those around him, to think this is something so simple." Her voice hid nothing, as if it was the darkest thing a person could admit.

"You're right, I do." Natsuki nodded. "I know this may sound hurtful to you, but it isn't exactly front page news. Teens come out of the closet all the time, and you know what, I'm almost glad he saw my face between your legs...it gives him indisputable proof that I'm not completely dense. Just because he thinks I have my thumb up my ass all the time, doesn't mean that I do."

"Still, isn't it quite a shock?" A taboo, and one to be hated for. "If he isn't careful, just think of the troubles he would have."

Natsuki knew well of his struggles, but she would deal with that when she came across it. "I've always suspected he was more interested in boys. Now I know it isn't my mind playing games with me, it's pure fact. At least I know what hole he's putting in into, if any at all." Natsuki almost laughed at the look that produced, but instead, settled for looking nearly sheepish.

"That is horridly vulgar." Shizuru shook her head, trying to keep her mouth from hanging agape, but she found it quite difficult. This side of Natsuki was a rarity. "Honestly though, you aren't in the least bit worried?"

"Kane is not a person to worry about." Natsuki said then, but that too, was only a truth she knew well. "There isn't anyone important that could judge him. Kane wants so much to be seen as the man that he wants to be, and he has the determination to make that happen. Being gay has nothing to do with it, Shizuru. If he doesn't understand that, then he deserves to be hurt by his own struggles."

"I don't even understand that." Shizuru wished that she did, but Natsuki had her own way of doing things. "He will face down the expectations of his peers...don't you think that will cause enough trouble on it's own?"

It was with a firm nod that Natsuki could see the worry in Shizuru's eyes. "I'm keeping him home for a few days, because he's been getting picked on. This also explains the fight Aki got into." Natsuki thought back to that, deciding she wouldn't actually ground her daughter this time. "He can go back to school if he wants, if not, I can home school him...there are programs for that. In the meantime, I'm just going to leave the poor boy alone. The people that really matter will accept him, and that includes Aki. I know she'll support him." Time...in the end, that was what everyone really needed. "Now come on and lay back down with me. I've got a few hours to kill, and I want to unwind before I have to go to work."

…  
(Natsuki POV)

Lots of little hints always seem to come tumbling down when you least expect it.

I've always tried to prepare myself for those times, but they always come at me. Sometimes, I'm not ready for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. With Kane, it was one of those times. I've always guessed that he was a bit more inclined to be boys than with girls. He grew up relatively normal...well, as normal as one could be under the circumstances of his upbringing. It wasn't that he showed an interest in other children his age, rather, it was that he was indifferent to everything. Even now, Kane is withdrawn enough that he isn't easily interested in much, but when he is, it's all in. Go big, or go home...that's the way he's learned to live his life. Taking risks, but sometimes, not daring to say that he did.

I suspect this boyfriend of his falls under that same basic idea. Test the waters, feel something other than self interest, but not tell anyone about it. Take a risk, but do so quietly, a rebellion under the surface...truth, mixed with assumption...something that isn't a lie, and yet, isn't a truth. He knew I would assume he was with a girl, purely because I wasn't going to make a statement that could have been wrong. He let me go on thinking that for everyone's well being...his reasons were his own...and actually pretty justified.

Now that he knows about me, and my lack gender preference...I think he'll begin to sort out what he really wants to do, although knowing Kane, that's about as much confirmation as we'll ever have.

I doubt he'll ever bring anyone his interested in, Kane doesn't showcase off he friends, let alone someone I know he's sleeping with. You'd think that would bother me, but it doesn't. Even if it did, I have no room to talk, I did the same thing after all. Acceptance, it's hard line, and so many people put conditions into it...loopholes, so that suddenly, they can turn their back on something they don't like...but that's not what acceptance is. You either do, fully...or you don't, fully. There is no middle ground, and with Kane, I must accept who he is, and what he may be doing. Kane's way is his own...and I must accept that too.

I can't put a collar on my teens, they aren't animals...that means, unfortunately enough for my sanity, that I've got to relent when relenting is due.

So, even if it seems that I don't care, the truth is, to accept Kane, I must be indifferent to him...it's that casual mindset that opens doors and conversations. It gives us what we need, even if it isn't what we always want. For example, I don't want him having sex at his age...but he'll use the protection I give him, and in the end, that's all I really need to know.

…

"Your mom is going to kill you." Nao grumbled while shaking her head. "I thought she said no more fighting." The bruise on Aki's hand was starting to color a dark purple.

"This wasn't a fight." Aki shot back, she had been on the defensive all morning, not uncommon, but surely unwarranted. "I took care of it, it wasn't a big deal. The only reason it looks like this, was because I missed the first time." She'd missed the boy she was scrapping with entirely, instead stumbling into the bike rack. "I didn't miss the second, but it wasn't a fight."

"Yeah, and that's why your hand is a rainbow." Nao pressed down gently on the back of the teen's hand. Aki winced at even the smallest pressure. "Are you sure it isn't broken?" Nao wasn't convinced, it's was warm to the touch and inflamed.

"The school nurse said it wasn't." Aki was beginning to wonder about that herself. "It didn't hurt this bad yesterday."

"You were full of piss and vinegar yesterday, dumb-ass. Adrenaline is like an instant painkiller." Nao wasn't amused, her green eyes met those of Aki's deep red ones. Something wasn't right. Aki was normally proud to gloat about who she had come up against. "Come on, don't be like this. You know how to throw a punch, what the hell happened?" Natsuki and Nao had taught them both a few self defense moves, but Aki had taken that even further, and she wasn't a slouch in unarmed combat. "This isn't like you." That was the concern, it wasn't normal for Aki to hide things, especially her victories.

"A kid at school just got on my bad side." Aki bit her lip, looking down at the floor. "Stuff just happened. I took care of it, that's all that matters."

"You were suspended, not that I actually give a damn about that." Nao leaned back onto the counter. "What happened, Aki?" What wasn't she saying? "I'm not going to ask again."

"The slip is right there." Aki sighed out, she hadn't given it to Natsuki the day before. Now though, the truth was out in the open. "It says everything that happened."

Nao rolled her eyes, a smirk on her lips. "Okay, this thing is full of shit, we both know that." So, why was she taking the blame? That's what Nao couldn't understand. "Kane doesn't just have a random breakdown during the lunchtime, and you normally don't go bat shit on school property after hours. If you wanna kick some random kid's ass, more power to you...but don't be dumb enough to get caught." Nao signed the paperwork, indicating that someone had seen it, and then watched as Aki pocketed the slip. "If I were you, I'd at least pretend to leave the house for school."

Aki nodded, but she didn't leave the kitchen. Instead, she just stood there, looking at the floor. "Aunt Nao, do you ever get the feeling that someone is hiding something important from you...and you think you know what it is, but if you did anything, you'd only hurt them?"

Nao stayed quiet for a moment, it was rare that Aki became so respectful. Aki and Kane so rarely used the words aunt, or uncle...it seemed odd when they did. Nao especially rarely heard words like that sent in her detection. She always felt awkward when it happened. "I guess it depends on who it is..."

"It's everyone." Aki's voice traveled slowly, the soft wane of her accent something delicate...Aki was never delicate. She forced a smile, changing the topic. "You don't have to worry. Sometimes, I just think stupid things like that. I'm going to go back to bed for a while...mom will know I'm suspended anyway...she can tell things like that."

Nao watched as Aki made her way upstairs. She didn't have anything she could say to that, Aki was always so difficult to handle. Nao wondered if she should call the family doctor, but thought better of it. She knew Aki would climb out of her window later, and then it would take days to find her. No, this was just like other bumps and bruises Aki would always sustain, if it was bad in a few more days, then they would worry. Until then, it was a waiting game.

Nao didn't like the facts, she just put up with them.

There was a yellow dentition slip for Kane still on the counter, and that was the only saving grace to Aki's large wad of notices. Nao knew they'd gotten in over their heads. After putting her name on the dotted line, and initialing the bottom, she folded it up, leaving it well enough alone. Her mind wandered just far enough that she felt angry, but it wasn't at the twins. Someone wasn't saying everything, Nao could tell that in Aki's speech, her actions subdued enough to pretend as if everything were her fault.

To the untrained eye, it was...Nao knew better.

She wasn't a fan of waiting around, and there were times her temper would get the better of her. Still, she couldn't just act rashly, not when Aki and Kane seemed so insistent in hiding away from the things that worried them the most. She didn't have anything better to do than wait it out, so she left Natsuki's home, and found herself on the way to her apartment. If she didn't have anything easy to fix there, she knew Mai would be cooking her little heart away in the bistro not a few blocks away.

Nao waited at the end of the block, and true to Aki's form, she was already halfway out of the window, and would likely get down by using the tree nearby. "Yep, the pain in the ass is at it again." She sighed, and pulled out her phone, dialing a number that she rarely used, but when she did, Aki was always the topic of the conversation. Nao didn't bother to follow the girl, knowing there wasn't any point. Instead, she wanted for the person on the other line to pick up.

"Oh great, she ran away again, didn't she?" The woman on the other line was younger than Nao. Her voice was low, and only slightly raspy. They weren't buddies, or even casual friends, but when Aki was involved, they often worked together.

"Yep." They knew how to deal with this, and could handle it more effectively than Natsuki could ever dream of. "She got into a fight yesterday, it was bad."

"Suspension..." The woman already knew...the pieces fit together well, although, they always seemed to be that way. "Did she take down her opponent?"

"That's why I'm leaving this one up to you." Nao told the woman. "I would have been on her ass all day...but I don't think it's gonna help. Aki's hesitating, the fighting was sloppy. She banged up her hand good too, ended up punching a metal bike rack. The other thing is, she's taking the fall...assuming the blame is completely her fault."

"She was angry." They could come up with the same conclusions. "Felt the need to lash out on the offensive." There were very few people that got on the wrong side of Aki Kuga. She was a spitfire, with a toxic attitude to rival that of those who'd raised her. "Probably became reactive to those round her." Natsuki, Nao, and even herself...Akira knew there were plenty of people who didn't take lip from anyone. Aki had grown into the role herself, but, she'd yet to mellow out, and see the reasons why the anger bubbled the way that it did. "You or Natsuki would have done the same."

"That's not what I'm asking here." Nao growled, looking behind her back purely out of reflex, before she entered her apartment building. "I know I'm rusty, and Natsuki hasn't brawled in years...but even so, Aki's right hook isn't something you play around with." Aki had learned from the three best, if not hot tempered women that she knew. "We don't miss."

Akira nodded into the phone, though she knew Nao couldn't see it. "So why did she?" This wasn't just Aki's bad mood coming into play. "Furthermore, why would she accept the blame entirely?"

"That's why I called you, Akira." Nao sighed out as she continued to walk down the city blocks. "Figure it out."


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Here we are with the next chapter...finally...anyway I hope you all like it. Thanks for the support thus far.

Don't own Mai HiME.

* * *

**White Fence  
Chapter Six**

It wasn't that he didn't have better things he could be doing, as he sat around glaring daggers up into the ceiling. It was that, every time he tried to write the essay he had to do, he found that he froze up. Even as he stared blankly at the pages in his political science book, he couldn't come up with the answers. He felt muddled, he wouldn't deny that, but his mind kept wandering. He was alone, that was part of the problem. The house settled, but all he could hear were the sounds of his own breath, the silence nearly staggering. He could do nothing to get rid of it, not even music helped. He wasn't usually so bothered by trivial things, but recently he couldn't stand to sit idly by in his room.

He would have given anything to hear anybody make a racket. Signs of life were a fleeting thing when he was stuck in his own mind. He thought perhaps he would go get fresh air, but even that sounded like a bad idea. He wanted to clear his head of all the turning worries that had been holding him down. There was only one way he could do that, but, as Kane peered out of second story window, he did little more than watch as the woman tended her garden. He wanted that peace that he saw in her eyes.

To his greatest dismay, he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen anyone with such clarity in crimson orbs, a contented smile something difficult to receive.

Struggling to recall a time when even his own sister could be that way, forced him to come up short. It wasn't that they'd lived a sad life, but, that Aki had always fought to find something. In passing, he'd listened to what Aki had been ranting about as they grew up. The facts of his past mattered very little to him, but his future seemed to be a twisting road, each step he took, always pointed him into a different direction. He'd not the slightest clue why he felt the need to speak to this woman that held his attention.

Still, the urge that he did at all, was enough of a reason for him.

He was always simple like that, so even when he shadowed over her, blocking the sunlight from hitting the small sprouts she'd been tending, he had nothing pressing to announce. His observation of the world around him always came first, but the woman he had his eye on, was something of a pickle. He couldn't figure her out. As much as he wanted to ignore all the things Aki had ever told him, they seemed like echoes. Now, he had a reason to go back, and nit-pick at the details. That worried him, and the evidence sat in front of him.

He would willingly relent, that both he and his sister, looked nothing like the people in their lives. He could even accept the passing notion that any past they may have had, would be shrouded in mystery for the rest of his life. He could even agree that he was likely abandoned by a family who hadn't wanted him. However, it bothered him, because at the end of the day, it didn't matter.

The problem was, a clue had recently waltzed into their lives.

He would have normally overlooked such a detail, but his mother seem so interested in the woman. Try as he might, he couldn't understand Shizuru's appearance, or her meaning. It bothered him even more, to note that a more consistent part of their world. "You like flowers." Withdrawn perhaps, and soft, his voice wouldn't carry very far. "And humming, you do that a lot too." As far as he searched in his memories, this woman was not in them...still, he could not block away the intentions he'd both seen, and had been told. "Every morning, you're out here." He could see it from his desk, and he was not blind nor deaf.

The boy had stayed home from school, as Natsuki wished that he would, though the woman was at work. He had been trusted at home alone. "I see." Shizuru thought he would have locked himself away for the entire day, but instead, in the bright afternoon sun, he stood in his pajamas watching her every breath. "I suppose I do." Shizuru met his eyes, wondering why he was giving her such a cold stare, nearly a scowl, though his voice was the opposite. "May I help you?" As if she were a trinket to fixate upon, his cold eyes wouldn't leave her form.

Kane merely stood there, his chocolate colored orbs glimmering in the shadow he'd made, gently forming his hands into fits, and withdrawing them into the pockets at his sides. She could help him understand, he knew that, but it was with a sigh that he found it wouldn't matter. "Aki has always said things." There was a truth in her eyes, a resemblance that was not so out of reach. "I've ignored them. My entire life, I pushed those things away." He could no longer do so, and that bothered him. "It was alright...my sister, she shouts about things a lot." He couldn't focus his eyes on her. The familiarity was startling when he took the time to notice it closely. Instead, he knelt down and picked up one of the flowerpots, small sunflowers were waiting to be planted. "Mom wanted to protect us. She was there, so, that's all that mattered."

When he took a breath, and looked back up at Shizuru, her face told him all he needed to know. "My mom likes you..." That was why he felt embittered, this was the first person, man or woman, that he could recall his mother ever taking an interest in. "And you think what Aki and I say matters." He wondered of the strength of this woman, and found it nearly insulting that anyone would think less of him. As if he would hate his only parent, purely for her feelings made for another. "We should mean nothing to you, if you truly love her."

Shizuru tried desperately to withstand the words that pierced her heart, but it was a struggle. "I'm afraid that's just not true." Her red eyes were holding back the tears that threatened to fall. "You all mean a great deal to me, but, I'm afraid the reasons why, are not easy to explain." The scars of the past were so easily torn open by his voice, and the look in his eyes, though indifferent hurt the most. "I'm sorry, Kane. I wish I had a proper explanation, but I fear even that wouldn't be enough for you."

As Shizuru began to feel herself crumble apart, Kane remained the stony face of study. There really wasn't any words that he could say, heartfelt or otherwise, they wouldn't come to him. "Doesn't matter."

"I assure you, it does." Shizuru was tempted to sit him down and tell him everything then and there, but he shook his head, as if disappointed in her.

"What I think of you...it doesn't matter." Slowly, as if he was unsure of himself, he reached out for the spade that she kept clenched in here gloved hand, and he dragged it out from her grip. "Whatever it is I may have to say, it doesn't matter, it won't change how my mom feels about you." He found an empty space and began to dig a hole. He wished he could say things better than that, but he couldn't accept the feeling that bubbled in his gut. He didn't understand the uncanny plague that danced in his mind. He was intent on searching for the answer, finding something other than solitude. "You don't have to cry, just plant flowers." He wanted that the most. The simplicity from before, it seemed so calm, the tranquility he couldn't attain from his room could be found here. The company of another was the only thing he truly wanted right now.

Shizuru was at a loss as he looked at her expectantly. "How can you forgive me?" How could he even know how to forgive, when he was unaware of her truest sin? She didn't dare ask that question. "I've shown you nothing but unsightly things." It was a double meaning, and although she knew it would be lost on him, she didn't want to provoke that discussion without Natsuki around. "You've not the slightest clue about me, and yet, you've seen more of me than you care to admit."

He frowned at that.

He could fully agree, yesterday the encounter that he had witnessed went far beyond what he would have expected. However, he could never feel disgusted at the truth, one that he had run away from. "If anyone is unsightly, it's me." He held out the spade, waiting for her to take it, and when she didn't, he opened her palm, and gently placed it there. "The flowers..." Perhaps she understood the feeling, the one he had not fully accepted. The sickening feeling that made him feel as if he'd failed those he loved. How could anyone accept him, when he struggled to accept himself? "Show me how, like you do it." If he could find solace within such a mutual feeling, he wouldn't begrudge the few moments of peace it would give his mind. "I'd like to learn."

"If you wish." Shizuru murmured, still fearful, and unsure.

While it was true that some took the day in pursuit of leisure, there were others caught in the daily grind.

The middle of the week was always the worst as far as repairs, and of the many odd jobs Natsuki and Nao would take, there were a handful that they hated. "So, she crashed without so much as a phone call?" Another long day at work, and this time they were unclogging some woman's pipes. They hardly took pluming jobs, but when they did, it was usually because the pipes were in a bad state of ill repair. The saving grace was that this gave them time to talk, away from everyone else. "I would have beat her ass in good if were you." It wasn't within their usual expertise, they preferred working outdoors. "But, that's just me, it's your kid." Nao had to admit, she had a lot to catch up on.

Anything to make a quick buck, that seemed to be the motto for the week.

"Don't look at me like that." Natsuki sighed at the fact that when she'd come to quote this job, she wasn't aware of just how bad the water damage had been. "There wasn't any need." It was a slew of odd jobs that no one else would seemingly take, not that there were many plumbers in the area in the first place. "Akira did it as soon as she found out, and boy was she pissed." Natsuki smirked then, the irony not lost on her. "She found Aki sneaking around, and dragged her to the dojo. They had a good match, but, Akira didn't go easy on her."

Nao understood perfectly the implication. "So, by crashed, you mean completely knocked out. Akira must have beat the shit out of her." It made sense, Nao assumed, but that didn't answer her questions. "Why did Aki even get stupid in the first place?"

"That has more to do with Kane than anything." Natsuki replied then, as she paused what she was doing. In her hand, she held one of the rusted pipes, and felt as if she was walking down a slippery slope. She put down the heavy metal that needed to be replaced, and sat on the side of the bathtub. "It isn't my place to say this, but Kane finally confirmed it. I'm glad that he did, I'm just not at all pleased with his classmates."

"So he takes it in the ass, big deal." Nao chuckled with amusement. Like Natsuki, she'd already thought as much. "What does that have to do with Aki's bitching?"

"He was getting picked on, but I don't know by who." Natsuki looked up at the ceiling, and then at the wall where they had exposed the pipes, grimacing when she was met with a horrendous sight. "It's just like Aki told you...she took care of it. Granted, she shouldn't have missed...but that's what catches me off guard the most." Lime green eyes and emerald met, a shared agreement between them. "Why did Aki miss?"

"Akira didn't figure that part out?" Nao sighed...it was bugging her too. Something was wrong. "Aki didn't talk much, did she?"

"They were fighting most of the afternoon. Akira said that she couldn't really find out much." Aki wasn't talking and wasn't going to make a peep about it. That was the shared consensus. "The twins are getting older, and they're starting to make a path for themselves." Natsuki bit her lip, thinking about everything that was brewing like a storm. "I can't help but think that this was bound to happen eventually, so I shouldn't be worried about it." Then the thoughts about Shizuru came into play, and it blew that theory out of the water. "Kane would have stayed quiet a lot longer, but he walked in on Shizuru and I. When we talked about that, he finally told me...but the fight at the school, was likely Aki seeing something she didn't want to see."

"You've gotta tell them soon, Natsuki." Life couldn't keep going on like this. "Just throw it out there, and let them deal with it." Nao knew it was really the only way, but she didn't like it much either. "Aki's troubled, and not that I think it will help...but if she needs to be pissed at someone, it can be us for a change." It was then Nao thought it would be a good time to lower what she would consider a tiny bomb. "By the way, don't kill your daughter when she goes to her usual hiding spot tonight."

"Why would I kill her for listening to music on the roof?" That didn't make any sense, and Natsuki crossed her arms, a glare in her eyes. "You didn't give her booze did you?"

"Hell no, I wouldn't give her something like that!" Nao shot back, nearly insulted. "Have a little faith in me, I know you don't want her drinking alone. I gave her a joint."

"That's any better?! Where's the logic?" Natsuki roared, as she slammed down the calking tube she had in her hand. "Yes Nao, let's give my daughter pot! Further more, let's give her an entire joint to walk around with! What in the hell is wrong with you?"

"Jesus, calm down." Nao fired back, grabbing Natsuki by the shoulders and pushing her hard against the wall, thankful no one was allowed in their construction space. "If you take it out on her, you'll only be doing the one thing you swore you'd never do." Nao told Natsuki, refusing to let her friend raise her arms to strike. "She wants to get high, fine, but I'll be damned she starts smoking stuff from the boulevard. I rolled it thin, it's only a baby one."

Natsuki released a shaky breath. "The problem isn't the size, it's the fact that she has one to begin with." She knew Nao was right, but it didn't stop her from wanting to lay into her. "If you think just because you and I used to do drugs, that it gives her the same rights, you're really stupid."

"That's isn't how I think at all." Though for most wandering eyes, the fact remained to be seen. "You know better than anyone, Aki isn't the type to simply trust what we say blindly. She isn't like that." Nao had her own rolled and perched upon her ear, waiting for a job well done to be enjoyed. "If that's the case, you have to consider just what type of person she is." Nao was a simple person, with easy to attain joys, it just so happened, some of them were questionable.

"I know what you're thinking, and the answer is no. I'm not doing it Nao." It was rare for Nao to insinuate anything delicately, but in this case, she didn't need to be forward. "You want me to smoke with her. I can't do that." It was the conclusion Natsuki jumped to first...and that Nao was waiting for.

"Damn right I do." It was spot on, as Nao turned to get back to work. "The kid is stressed, and she's going to start experimenting with things. She can either do it with us around so we can keep an eye on her, or she can go out and do it without us there...now which one would you rather deal with?"

"This is a bad idea...I can't condone it." Natsuki felt Nao's petulant stare and she looked up, seeing the knowing look. "No way, not even if hell froze over."

"Get with the program, or your kid is gonna be out in the streets, doing god knows what." Nao said then, knowing she was hammering a nail into both of their coffins. "When I think about the crap you and I used to do, I realize I'd rather smoke the damned pot with Aki." It was a past Natsuki didn't want to be reminded of. The nearly daily hangovers, the nights of paranoia and lost sleep...even breaking the habit wasn't without the chills and nightmares. "You remember the laced stuff we got...do you want that to be her?"

…  
(Natsuki POV)

Nao's right.

I know that beyond all reasonable doubt...in my first year of middle school, I was in a bad time in my life. It was right after both of my parents were gone, and I'd been put into my first foster home. I ran away and directly into Nao...while it was true we went to the same school, before then, I'd always thought she was a pain in the ass. I was a pretty innocent teen, but I was so angry. When I'd decided I was going to run away, I also decided that drugs were a good way to rebel.

That's how we first really got to know each other, we got picked up by the same probation officer, tagged as runaways...you could say things went down hill from there. It finally got to the point no foster family would take me, and the cops stopped looking for me. I was fifteen at that point, a few months before the twins were unceremoniously dropped on the convent door step. Anyway, Nao and I hadn't been growing our own, instead we'd been buying off the street, and got a hold of something bad...really bad.

It's a time I refuse to relive, and it took a lot of work from Mai to break us out of whatever we had gotten a hold of. I can say that it wasn't just pot.

While it's true that I refuse to be a hypocrite, I've also tried to be as realistic as I can be within those parameters. If I don't like something, I let them know about it...the stuff I occasionally find on the television is a perfect example to that. There's a time and a place for some of that stuff, and it belongs behind closed doors. What they watch in their own rooms, I don't mind nearly as much, but, there are still things that will get blocked as soon as I find out about it. I've always tried to act with standoffish tendencies...

...I really do want them to stumble into unwanted territory on occasion, it's the only way they'll learn...however, it needs to be in an controlled environment.

Putting my foot down about this however, would be a bad idea, just as Nao says...Nao was that teen that didn't listen, and inadvertently made bad choices by nature. Though I know it was her fault, and her own actions, I can't really say her parents handled it in the best way either. Aki is a lot like that, if she thinks it'll get a rise out of me, she'll try it. She's do anything once to get back at me, or dive me crazy.

With Kane and Aki, I've learned from past experiences, if you take the rebellion out of it, they generally leave it alone. If they don't leave it alone, they follow the rules the rebellion comes with. I'm not the type of person who has a problem teaching with the mindset...hair of the dog, and all of that...it actually works quite well.

With Aki, we've already gone through this with booze. Letting her get smashed once, was enough to show her how crappy it really is. She understands to maintain control. That's why I let her drink when she's around Nao and I. She knows for her own sake, getting completely blasted is more trouble than it's worth. With pot though, it's a little difficult, I doubt it'll be the same way. I'll cross that bridge when I come across it later tonight, but for now, I can't help but feel like Aki really has picked up on everything Nao and I used to do. I don't know how I feel about that.

Nao's also right about the Shizuru thing too...

It just can't be put off for any length of time. The truth is, I was waiting for some sign that would let me know everything would be okay, but, true to most of the things in my life, I'm not gifted with that luxury. In being honest with myself, it would have been better if I hadn't gotten involved with Shizuru, that I let her become just a passing person in my life. If I had lived with the denial, nothing would have come to light...we would have been able to do that, and we could have gone on for years that way...possibly even forever. They say happiness comes at a price.

I just don't know if I'm willing to pay it.

What is that price? A few weeks of losing my sanity? If so, I could do that...but if the price means that I destroy any and all pretense of what my happy home had once been, I don't think I can. I don't want people to suffer, but at the same time, I'm unwilling to yield. Shizuru brings me happiness, I want her by my side, but the truth isn't so easy. I know that. I understand I may not be realistic on that side of the fence, and I most certainly don't claim to be either. We've come so far, but to say that those romantic feelings would last?

I'm not sure.

We're not young, but we're not old. The fact is, we're not children, we're adult enough that we should know what we want. I'm cold enough, that I haven't put any real thought into that. The things that could easily be spoken in the time Shizuru and I have spent together, could just as easily be taken back and forgotten...that's why I haven't said anything. Passionate declarations are nothing but trouble...it's easy to say that you feel something for someone, it's another thing to live out those feelings every single day, not knowing when you'll feel differently...

Or in my case, having a life that comes naturally to be by myself.

I like the idea of a relationship, and I have needs just like everyone else. Still, at the end of the day, I prefer to be alone for the most part. If I crack open a beer and spend all night gabbing away in the kitchen with my friends, that's my prerogative. If, by the same notion, I want to bring a woman into my bed, I don't want to feel guilty about anything stupid I might say. Sooner or later, I'd actually prefer if the woman goes home for a night or two...not because I would tire of the person, or anything like that, just because I'm that type of solitary creature.

I want Shizuru by my side as a lover, but at the same time, my lifestyle is my own...it isn't exactly an easy one to conform with...I also doubt that I can change drastically after being single for so long.

I've thought about getting married, settling down further into my life, and perhaps, having another child. Though, there's just something that doesn't sit right with me about that. I don't know what it is, but it's been there my entire life, even back when I was dating Takeda...although, the same troublesome feeling occurred with several women too. I think that as soon as someone tries to impede on the life I've built from literally the ground up, I cut it off to protect what I have. Going from a couple of bills in my pocket a week, if that at all, to a yearly contract with full benefits and sick leave...that's the type of thing most people take for granted.

They think their children are theirs to teach as they wish, and then fail to take responsibility for every fault and failure...even though they are the parents, they chose that life. As wrong as it might sound, there are alternatives, and if people are too lazy to do something about it, then they aren't fit parents anyway. That's the way I see it.

Shizuru's the type of person who made the choice, she was active enough to at least do something, instead of wallowing around in what little of a pathetic existence she may have had. That isn't to say she'd devoid of fault, because she carries the guilt upon her shoulders, a daily reminder that doesn't weaken her...it doesn't own her...but it is a fact of her life. She, is a lot like me in that way. The facts are facts, and call it crying out if you'd like, but it won't change her life, it will only burden those who allow themselves to be bothered by it.

I'm not at all trouble by those facts, just what it might mean, depending on where we take our relationship. Her burdens are hers alone...I can't wash those away, even if I wanted to be the one to do it.

We both understand that we should tell Aki and Kane the truth. However, in doing so, we will be carving answers into their past like a blade...it's a forced truth at that point, and it's one Kane wouldn't really care about. Aki however, could see it as a bad thing. I'm sure she will, if I'm being honest with myself. It would be unfair not to say a word, it would be stealing away part of their lives, and Shizuru would never have the chance to bond with them at all, she would forever be an outside observer, and slowly, I know that it would eat her away inside.

I wish there were more options, more ways to deal with this...but we don't have any...just like a lot of things in life that never seemed to pan out.

…

It was later in the evening when Natsuki got off work and she'd immediately hit the shower seeking warm water, and the feeling of being clean. It wasn't until she came down dressed in her robe that she took notice of the television that was on, even though Kane was more focused on the dirt under his fingernails. "Have a good day?" She wondered that since he was still in his pajamas.

"It wasn't good, but not bad either." No, it wasn't anything so clear cut. He looked up from his task, finding his mother's interested gaze and he merely shrugged. "It was lonely around here, so I planted some flowers." His smile was a soft wane, but it was enough to get his point across. "I should have worn gloves." Now his hands were dirty, not that he particularity minded, but it was a new to pass the time, and for that he was thankful.

"Did you have fun?" Even as she said that, Natsuki could already see what he'd meant.

"Not really." Once again his eyes went back to his hands. "I didn't do it to have fun." No, it wasn't something he would show to his friends, it wasn't even something he thought he'd spend idle time pondering about. "Shizuru was just out there, and it seemed like a good idea at the time." He wouldn't mind doing it again the next day, but he doubted he'd ever develop any real passion for it. "I just wanted the company."

"Alright then." Natsuki wasn't quite sure what to make of that as she folded her arms. "Where's your sister?" The house had been awfully quiet, she'd had to admit. The serenity could, in and of itself, be maddening. "I haven't seen her around." She knew that well.

"Up on the roof, she's been there since she came home, but she smells like she was with Nao all day." Either way, Kane hadn't paid much attention to that.

It wasn't what she wanted to hear, but it had been what she expected. Natsuki sighed, even though Nao had warned her about this. She made her way into Aki's bedroom, knowing that it would be empty, but that her window would be open. A stool Aki normally sat on would be placed suspiciously under the open window. That was often the routine, especially when the moon was full and the stars were bright. Aki liked being in places where she could be alone, and the roof was a place she could do that freely, she wasn't even bothered in the slightest about the gentle slope, so long as she had her headphones.

It was a struggle to get out onto the roof, a bedroom window was not normally Natsuki's method of choice. "Keep it up, you'll end up on probation, and then you'll be screwed." It was the moment of truth, and Natsuki felt the conversation from the afternoon fall back over her shoulders. She didn't like seeing this, but, she knew what could happen if she didn't dare to watch. "Trust me, having an officer up your ass, sucks." It was the parents who didn't take an action, who ignored the problems at hand, that failed their children. "You don't want to be like that." Yet she wondered if she had the resolve to allow such a thing near her home.

Aki looked up at her mom as a joint perched in her lips. Her lips as usual, were painted thickly in black, but the rest of her face was devoid of makeup. "It wouldn't be the first time I was wrongly accused. I'm not bothering anyone up here, so if the cops hate me for that, I guess that just proves that the world really does hate me." Aki shrugged, taking a particularly long drag, and looking back out across the city. "Everyone else should be worried about themselves, I leave them alone, don't I?"

Natsuki didn't know quite how to respond to that, and Aki did have a point, she wasn't doing anyone else any harm at all. "You going to tell me why you're up here?" It wasn't an oddity, Aki hid up on the roof often enough, especially at night. It was however, an oddity to smell the distinctive smell of pot as it wafted thickly in the air. The fact Aki wasn't coughing her lungs out was also proof enough, this was not the first time she'd dabbled with it.

"It depends...are you going to tell me why you go next door every other day?" Aki's crimson colored eyes painted a bloody hue when it was dark out. "Or why my brother keeps avoiding me?" Some people called her a freak when they saw how she dressed. "Or maybe we should talk about the fact that I'm failing two of my classes, and my teachers think I'm a lost cause..." Perhaps it was because she insisted on wearing blacks, blues, and grays, with splashes of red...it could have been her naturally pale skin, that rarely had a blemish. It could have even been the way she smoked, the look in her eyes were not childlike at all. With her gaze fixated on the stars, it seemed almost erotic, if not broken. This was the type of person her daughter had grown into, a very deep soul that was usually happy. "We could talk about a lot of stuff, either way, I'm still the black sheep." But when she wasn't, it was a dark day indeed.

With care, Natsuki pulled the joint from between her daughter's lips, looking at the burning tip. "Maybe so." That was a fitting description, Natsuki couldn't deny that. "Always in the shadows, even when you're in the lime light." It was always the negative attention, and yet, that was the kind that hurt the worst.

It was so much the truth, Natsuki had found her answer, and it was one that surprised her. She had come up with a prepared list of why smoking was a bad idea, but she could see clearly, that method wouldn't work with Aki. No, a little rebellion went a long way, and Natsuki had to remember that. She regarded the illegal substance before she put it to her own lips, taking a hit. Moments of silence passed as she let the smoke fill her lungs, and she closed her eyes. It had been months since last smoked one of these, and even when she expertly let the smoke slowly exit her lips, she couldn't help the smirk that fell over her face. "You were raised by a herd of black sheep...I was one too, after all." Aki's mouth was agape, this was the last thing she expected as Natsuki's handed it back. "Take a hit, pass to the left, take a shot of vodka after you exhale, and chase with a swig of beer. Those were the rules Nao and I had back then...though normally it was just her and I."

Aki let the question linger in her eyes before she actually took hold of the joint in her mother's hand. Natsuki only nodded, letting Aki take it back, and watched as the teen took another hit. Even as the silence filled the air again for a short time, it was practically screamed before the whispered voice found purchase. "Why?" It was a question filled with insecurity. There were so many things it could have meant, but if anyone understood the underlying force behind the word, it was Natsuki. Why wasn't she getting yelled at? Why wasn't she in trouble? Why wasn't she hated?

It meant so many things for Aki, and none of them were good.

"I could put a foot up your ass, but then you won't do it on the roof anymore, would you?" Natsuki already knew that much. "So, I can either smoke with you, or murder Nao for giving you the pot in the first place. Punishing you wouldn't do a damn bit of good." Aki was a willful person, Natsuki knew she couldn't really control it, not if Aki did it around her friends instead of at home. "I can tell this is Nao's blend, and that means it's pure. You can't trust that it would be the same off of the street. People lace it with things that don't belong there...as long as it's Nao's stuff, I'm not going to be pissed. Though, I can tell you are totally a tyro."

"A tyro?" Aki wrinkled her brows at that.

"A noob, a slouch...basically someone who doesn't do something often." On the pass back, Natsuki took the joint in her fingers, and chuckled. "The paper screws up the taste, not that you really have enough experience in that." After taking one last hit, she licked the end of her thumb and put out the lit end. "Really though, this isn't something I want you doing on your own. If Nao has one lit, and you want to take a hit or two off of hers, that's fine...but none of this going off on your own crap. I'm keeping this one...if you want a few hits, you tell me. You smoke with Nao and I only, no one else, or I will call probation on you myself."

Aki didn't have any complaints, though as she sat down and really thought about it, she couldn't help thinking about the lingering image. Nao's bad habits were something that were second nature, and a normalcy to see. "How much did you used to smoke?" She could never recall her mother ever having drugs in her possession.

Natsuki rolled her eyes, showing Aki the pad of her thumb. "Enough not to get burned when I put out the cherry with my thumb." Natsuki slid the joint behind her ear. "I still smoke with Nao every now and then, I just made sure I never did it around you kids. The key is moderation, just like with drinking...but I can't show you that. This isn't like vodka or whiskey. The hints that you've had more than you should have are subtle, and something you learn over time..though, as the weeks and months go by, if you did it often enough, you'd develop a tolerance. For Nao, she smokes it out of habit more than anything, but she also maintains control...I can tell you honestly, you wouldn't know how to do that."

"I'm always the bad one." Aki finally said. "I don't care that I am, but if I'm going to be, I should live up to the name, shouldn't I?"

"If you want, but honestly it's more trouble than you'd think. It isn't worth it." Natsuki wondered idly when she'd come to that conclusion on her own. It wasn't as a teen, and not even as a young adult. It had to have been in recent years. "You've always tried to make people see this harsh side of you, and if you want to walk around looking like that all the time, more power to you." The truth was, all of the makeup, steel, leather, even the hair dye was a way to escape prying eyes. "You don't realize how much you actually see, how smart you really are. You don't get that, because if you did, you wouldn't be farting around...you'd see by now that hell hole your brother calls a school, isn't made for a person like you."

"Yeah, but nothing is made for a person like me." Aki already knew what the teachers thought of her. "They say I'll be a dropout. Two of my professors already think it's worthless to do any of my missing work. They told me my grades were so low, I wasn't going to pass." The students weren't much better. "It's either summer school, or I repeat the year a third time."

"Or, you can tell them to fuck off." It was the last straw on a thinning rope. It was time to cut it. "You can add, subtract, multiply, divide, read, and write...that's better than you realize." Natsuki knew this was going to come up, but she'd been hoping it would be after Aki gave it one more honest try. "There are countless people in this world that will never have those things...never...because they either don't care, or the people that should care don't know enough about it themselves." It was the one thing that pissed Natsuki off the most. "Schools are made to teach, but they're also made to conform the student body as an entirety...Aki, you don't have to fit that mold to be successful in your life. You think you do, because that's what they've told you. I'm telling you that's not true."

"Then tell me what is?" The imploring gaze was asking for something, a reprieve of sorts. "Look at me, what have I got to show for any effort?" Aki wanted to become undone from all that she had ever been within the eyes of her peers, she needed to do it, as if it owned her very breath. "I've tried to do better in school, and it didn't work." That, was also true, Aki was more or less, a victim of the slander...she was not daft, and understood the world better than many would ever give her the credit for. "But I'm not like you and Nao, either."

"You may not be like us...not in the extreme that you believe." However, if there was any indication that Aki had grown up with the same goals in mind, the same sights not so far away, it would have to be the negative qualities many took for granted. "Still there are other ways to get by." The head on defiance that many would scold Aki for, would be likely the one thing that would save her, when nothing else would pan out. "Education is one of the most popular, though in truth, you can have as many degrees that you want. If you can't apply them, they're good for nothing."

Life skills were another, streets smarts came natural for both of the twins. "Most of your classmates will hit the real world, and find out everything they studied, was the wrong things. A person with knowledge and experience will go much further than any graduate ever could." Natsuki had wanted it that way, so that if the twins ever ran away for any length of time, they would be okay. Both together, or apart. "It's up to you to decide what your time is worth, if studying hard is worth it to you, keep it up. If you want to go out and find a job, that's just fine."

"You make it sound so easy." Yet Aki wasn't sure if that was the case.

"No, I make it sound like it's your choice...things will come to you, if you give it time." Natsuki finally sighed, the night sky really was beautiful. "Not everything works out perfectly, but it does work somehow."

…  
(Natsuki POV)

The problem with Aki isn't actually a problem at all...you could say that it is, but you'd be avoiding the real issue.

I may be many things in my life...but I'm not a pushover, and neither are my children. There are a few times I've heard people talk behind my back, saying the way I raise my kids aren't conventional, that it's down right wrong on many levels. It could be true, but if it is, I don't particularly care. I know my kids can give people hell, they can send the fire right back at someone, if they really needed to do it. They're smart, both on the streets, and in the books if they take the time to try...there isn't a thing in the world that's wrong with them.

Yes I know, that's a pretty snooty way to look at things.

As if the shit I wade in nearly every day, doesn't reek of foul play. The fact of the matter is, I just don't care. You have to let yourself become jaded as an adult. You have to forget half of the things childhood taught you...when you do that, the magic's gone. Once you've lost that, you become a person so nailed to the ground, things like hope, and impossibility are things you can't believe in. There's a difference between a hopeful reality, and being out of your mind.

It isn't my fault if the community in which I live is more worried about my life then their own. I can't help the whispers, I can't stop the finger pointing. I can only pity the bigoted idiot that tries to tell me I've no idea what I'm doing. I'm well aware I don't have a husband, and being a single mother is a bit difficult, but it is far from impossible. It's people who point out every single fault I have, that fail to understand their own families. In their mind, everything is flawless...but where's their stability? Surely if they have the time to point at my life, and the life of my kids, they have more productive things to be doing.

The problem is, most of the world in this day and age fails to understand that.

Hell would freeze over if someone actually took the time to deal with their own lives first, instead of the newest gossip, or the 'bad family" down the street. The heavens would likely implode if the community in which I lived took their meals in thankfulness for the fact that there's actually fresh food on the table, instead of how it might taste. The real problem with the world is, there people who are under educated, with no means to grasp a hold of such a thing...due to that, they don't value learning, and they lack social graces. Food stamps and welfare become a way of life...making babies to feed the mouths of the children who are already hungry. When that is all you've been raised to know and accept, you will repeat such a twisted foundation for many years to come.

On the other side of the fence, you have the people who are well educated, but lack the true agony of this world. They understand nothing of starvation or how to get by with yen instead of notes. Paper money flows into a checking account, and they spend frivolously, throwing away the things I used to survive on, purely because it means little to them. These people of the upper class may work hard, but one must always wonder what values their teaching the youth, and what face they put on in front of others.

Perhaps I'm lucky...an unfortunate lifestyle at first glance, gave me a firm grasp on the world in which I live, and the communities within that world. I don't condone what goes on for either side of the extremest situations. Still at the same time, I can't help but feel as if living such blurred lines, is what has given me my success in everything that I do, and will give the twins their chance to do the same.

I can humor ever teacher that calls the house, telling me about how my daughter is blowing off her school work. I know the truth. I see her struggles, I'm the one explaining the chemistry formulas out of my ass, because the teachers have given up on her. They're the ones who need help, not Aki. In my eyes, the harder the student, the more promising the challenge. If a teacher fails to give my kid a passing grade, that's on their shoulders, not mine. I'm the one teaching them, my failures will shape them, and my successes will prove there is always worth to be had, even in an individual such as myself.

It's up to the individual to decide where they stand...and I remain hopeful.

My kids will do the same, even when they fall. I know that because I've raised them to do so. Now I've gotta stand back a little, but, even when I do, I'm right there, I'm still behind them. Before I used to defend them, and fight their battles for them. Now, I wait for the invitation. That's the only difference between back then, and now. I can't coddle Aki...I can't always protect Kane...they know that. I know it too, even though I hate it. Life isn't conventional, it isn't perfect, it isn't even predictable...but it is one thing.

It's mine to live...Aki and Kane have their own, to do with it as they see fit...not even I have the right to take mere choices, good or bad, away from them.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Dear FFN, I love you...so stop making my stories all weird in the doc manager...thank you so very much in advanced.

I don't own Mai HiME/Mai Otome... Thanks for the support thus far guys, and I hope you all like this chapter...It's an important one...I know it's darker than the other ones, but I promise this is the "worst" of the darkness.

* * *

**White Fence**  
**Chapter Seven**

The moment of truth was fast approaching in more ways than the adults at the table would willingly admit. While it was true Shizuru and Natsuki would have to be honest and hope for the best, the uneasy feeling had migrated over the entire room. It was easy to talk about it, but to put that plan into action was quite a bit different. They all wanted to deal with the situation differently, and as Shizuru had come to find out, the meeting in the kitchen was nearly that of the chopping block, Nao and Mai were facing down this woman for the first time, and Shizuru felt the cold air of truth send shivers down the back of her neck.

She'd only briefly met Nao on Monday night, but she was already well on her way to being drunk when she'd walked through the door of Natsuki's home, booze and games in hand. In passing, Nao was a party girl, with a total disregard to any common decency. Now though, an entirely new side of the woman seemed almost feral, and her mere stance screamed ownership of the situation. Even when Natsuki would send barbs in her direction, she would throw a snide remark back, refusing to acknowledge that she could be wrong. The vulgarly of the situation aside, Shizuru knew the meaning behind those lime colored eyes.

There was a method to this madness, though in truth, Shizuru was not yet sure what exactly that was.

"Nao, stop being a pain." It was Mai's calm voice that broke though the vicious statements, and she was met with fury, an angry glare not only from Nao, but from Natsuki as well. "I get what you're saying...really, I do. Still, we have to remember, Kane isn't the real problem here." Though, he was Natsuki's primary concern at the time, everyone knew it would be Aki that would put up the fight. "Aki could take this as an attack on everything she's ever known."

"Feeling threatened by the situation aside, it'll give her a moral high ground she hadn't had to deal with yet." Natsuki told Mai as she crossed her arms. "Aki's beginning to lose sight of everything she's ever cared about. She takes too much value in what other people say." That would be the major problem here as well. Natsuki turned to Shizuru with an apologetic eye. "When you tell her that you're her birth mother, a lot of pieces are going to click into place. As much as she loves me, your absences had played a role in defining who Aki has become. She's going to get angry, and I think with the confirmation that she really was left behind by someone, she'll have to battle through a lot of her inner demons."

"The question then becomes, could you handle being the target?" Mai could see the uncertainty there, laced within crimson eyes, the resemblance was indeed startling.

"I doubt she'd be the target." Nao grouched, not at all pleased with the situation, but knew it had to be done. "Natsuki, you're the one she's going to be pissed at. Not telling her the real truth has finally come to bite you in the ass." The table grew silent at that, and even Nao knew that Natsuki wasn't going to be the only one. "She'll be pissed at me too, for the same reasons."

"That's her weakness, not yours." Akira finally said from the comer of the room. "Aki's a very angry person, and no matter how you channel that anger, it's going to lash out eventually. People can say what they want about her attitude, but Aki is truly a product of everyone in this room. We've defined her very existence and given her the tools we use to cope." Akira wasn't around much when Natsuki, Nao, and Mai were all teens, she was still quite young herself back then, along with Takumi. "Still, you've got to remember, everything that works for us won't always work for her. She's dared to ask the questions Kane never cared about, because she's an inquiring mind, and she wants answers for even the smallest thing."

"Why is that so important to her?" Shizuru had always wondered that, why her daughter seemed to care so much about a past she'd never truly known.

Nao and Natsuki both looked at each other, but it was Natsuki who spoke. "Aki knows about what happened to Nao and I...within that, you need to understand, just as you hold bitterness towards your past, Shizuru, I also harbor a hatred for mine. Nao is the same, although where I hated a situation, she actually hated her parents." Natsuki had tried to keep the malicious memories from swaying her judgment, but in her younger years, that had worked to no avail.

"I'm sure that she thinks she wasn't good enough." Nao finally said, cutting to the delicate core of the issue. "You were an unknown shadow in her past, and even if Natsuki had given birth to her, there would still be a shadow left behind, a void where another parent should be. Kane takes the face value and rarely questions it...if it isn't broken he doesn't attempt to fix it...but Aki has always been a person who wants to know the finer details of everything." That was the grim fact. "Bottom line is that you weren't there...and when Aki asks you why, you'll have to tell her everything...included the facts around the way she'd been conceived. It's not going to be easy to hear, but it'll be even harder to accept it. It'll hit her hard."

"Either way, there isn't much we can do." Mai could see the tension in Nao's clenched fists. "We'll just have to trust that everything will work out."

"If it doesn't?" Nao voiced the one question they all wanted to ask, but they found that the answer wasn't so easy to say. It wasn't something they could deduce, simply from theories alone.

"Kane will be fine." Tate said then, standing behind his wife. "Aki will come around. There isn't anything else they can do."

"They can run away from the problem." Nao turned to him, her voice soft, but dripping with a very carefully protected poison. "If you thought it would bother Kane at all, would you be so complacent you sexiest jackass?"

"Last I looked, you weren't so concerned about him either." Tate told Nao, facing her down. "When did I become the enemy here?"

"The moment you forgot who you're dealing with." Nao snarled.

"That's enough." Mai finally stood between the two combatants, Nao looked at if she were about to throw punches. "Leave her alone, Tate. She's taking this personally."

"You're damn right I am." Nao told Mai before turning back to the rest of the table "I have every right to be pissed off. That's why I know Aki isn't going to take this well. Why I'm on my guard." She sneered, looking at Tate's cool expression. "You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"

Takumi was a soft, often quiet young man, who followed in his sister's shadow. He wasn't often so floored by family meetings, seeing as he often found himself removed from the bigger picture. Still, it was because he kept a calm outlook, that he felt floored by the things he'd been hearing. "While it's true Tate favors Kate over Aki...it isn't that he's unconcerned." No, it was far from it. "It's that she's unable to be predictable, so we can't worry." He looked at Akira and then at Nao. "Just because Aki can't relate with us, doesn't mean Tate's sexiest...it just means she relates to you better."

He worked his hands into fists as his shoulders slumped. "I know you understand her...that's why I know you're angry...but being so negative will only encourage Aki to be upset. She'll react like you, Nao." In thinking about it, he couldn't have said his feelings about the matter better, and he agreed with Tate. "We can make this work out some way, can't we?"

"It'll have to somehow." Natsuki stood from her chair then, unwilling sit still any longer. "I didn't raise quitters...even if they don't back down, at least I know they'll stand and face us down."

...

Family meetings were a rarity, unless there was a problem. It wasn't everyday that Mai and Tate would be on one side of the room, whilst Takumi and Akira would be seated on the other. Natsuki sighed as she and Nao leaned on the far wall, Shizuru seated in the front on a kitchen stool. This could be bad, they all agreed on that, but it was with inexplicable irony, that it seemed eerily right. The outside world was colored in cheer. Natsuki wished the dark, foreboding cloud that seemed to loom over her own head would just fade away, but it wasn't going to happen.

If it was her own demise, she wouldn't be surprised, but has her hands rested on Shizuru's shoulders, she could feel the tension rising in the room. The silence was deafening, but awkwardly, there wasn't anything they could say.

No one really knew how the twins were going to react, but Natsuki knew that it wasn't going to be so easy. Simply a confession would be impossible. When she closed her eyes, she had a vision of what she wanted things to be like, but, she feared she would come up short. The weekend was normally a time when the twins disappeared into their own worlds of friends, games, and the mysteries any teenager might have. However, when they both woke up, late unto the afternoon, they already knew from the sights and sounds of a busy kitchen, something was amiss.

For one rare morning everyone gathered in a feast, and time spent in mindlessness seemed fleeting.

After a big meal, with plenty of laughter involved, Kane and Aki were told to go get dressed and then, meet everyone back downstairs. That was when the mental game began. They were always quick to dress, but always long to linger. It was no surprise that they would hold themselves upstairs for any measure of time, the siblings speaking amongst themselves. Today, that wasn't any different, but, it did offer the first troublesome part of Kane's day. "If you don't go down, someone will come up." This was a routine set in it's ways. "Either way, you'll hear what they have to say."

"I don't care what they have to say, they can say it without our neighbor around." In truth however, it was an unspoken agreement. They already knew the blond would have a few things to say. Somehow, without even noticing it, Shizuru had become a real part of their every day lives, the problem was, Aki couldn't pinpoint when that had happened. "Whatever it is, I'm sure it isn't a big deal." She would have rather stayed locked up in her room. The gray and black tints were soothing to her, especially amidst all of the posters of her favorite bands. "I'm probably just in trouble again, you know how that goes."

"It isn't as easy as that." The admittance was soft, and though he stood in a room filled with flair that he himself took not a lick of interest in, he couldn't help but take notice of the spray paint on the ceiling. "I don't think you're in trouble." The smiling face so well known, and yet, so far away. "I don't even think it has to do with us at all." A symbol of a time when the entire room hand been brighter, the hue something of a remnant of their lives back then. "Even if it does, I doubt avoiding things would do any good." He had a similar one in his room, the same color yellow. He wanted to go back to a time when Aki's room wasn't so cluttered...though he had been told many times, he was the one with no taste in decoration.

"What am I avoiding, really?" No, she wasn't the one hiding from whatever it was that was going on. "It's that woman that has something to hide, otherwise she wouldn't be downstairs." She wasn't going to yield, as if suddenly, she should bow down to another person, based on whims alone. "This isn't a normal meeting, Kane. You should know that." No, she wasn't going to make things go smoothly. "It isn't fair, now they want to come clean about it...that's just total bull crap."

"I don't follow." Kane said dryly. "Are you saying mom and Shizuru have been together for a long time or something?" He blinked then, scowling as he thought back. "Mom never talked about her before, so how did you know they were in the sack together?"

"Mom's a lesbian?" Aki bolted upright, now she was duly confused. "When the hell did that happen, and why didn't she tell me?"

"Oh god..." Kane muttered, feeling like this was going to be a problem before he could control it. "It's not like mom was trying to hide it, if that's what your thinking." He looked down at his feet shyly before he sighed out in embarrassment. "I walked in on them by accident, so I didn't know either...until that happened." He bit his lip, feeling bad for Aki, but at the same time, also feeling guilty about himself. "I think that's what they want to talk to us about...I don't think it had anything to do with us...and everything to do with them."

"I'm still not going down there." Aki grumbled then, putting her face into her pillow, trying desperately to hold herself together. "If you and mom want to keep secrets from me that's fine...but then do expect me to play these games with you." She forced herself to get out of bed, and she went over to the window. "If anyone wants to talk, I'll be in my normal place, but they have to come with me, I won't go to them."

Kane sighed again as he watched his sister exit through the window. She would stay on the roof, true to her word, be he could tell she was upset, and didn't dare to follow her.

He wasn't the only one feeling unlucky. Everyone else had been waiting downstairs. They could hear the muted footsteps above them, and then, one of the doors upstairs closed. Preparing for the worst, Natsuki felt Nao's elbow in her side, a look of mild yet tired annoyance on her face. "If this goes bad, I'm taking Aki with me for awhile." It was a murmur that made Shizuru sigh, wondering if this was really worth it.

"It won't go badly, unless you encourage it." Akira quietly told Nao sharply. "Stop inviting bad omens."

"Omen or not, it has nothing to do with me." She wasn't at all interested in the daggers she saw flying in her general direct, the gazes of a few on her form.

"Either way, Nao's right." Natsuki finally cut in, knowing Nao was preparing out of a defensive nature. "Don't be so sure that everything will work to perfection. That way, no one will truly get hurt."

"It doesn't work that way either Na-" Mai cut herself off from her speech as the sound of Kane's footsteps came down the stairs. Each step was slow and filled with the meaning behind his stance, he didn't dare look at the ground, but rather at the sight before him.

With a frown marring his features, he took a breath and closed his eyes. He'd been hoping Aki would reconsider, but it wasn't his choice, and not one he could force her to make. "Aki refuses to come down. We know how this works, you all give us this feeling like everything will be okay, but then, you drop a bomb on us." It was fool proof, usually, but this morning the changes, though subtle, were there in a predetermined truth. "Aki doesn't want to do things that way this time." His locks of fawn were long enough that he swiped his bangs away from his eyes, and proceed to sit in his usual spot on the middle sofa.

"On the roof." Nao muttered, her comment one of solid fact. "I'll go get her."

"No." Shizuru stood then, though she tried not to shake outwardly, inside, she was trembling with each and every breath. "I would like to go on my own." She looked at Natsuki, who nodded hesitantly, as if she hadn't really wanted to do so. At this point, Shizuru could tell this wasn't normal. "Kane, please accompany me, it would be best if I didn't repeat myself."

Kane nodded, and together they went back up the stairs. Each step Shizuru took was one step to her greatest demise. Her heart kept telling her to turn around. She nearly wanted to believe it, but she knew she would never forgive herself if she did. "Second door." Kane said quietly, his words guiding Shizuru to Aki's room. She knocked, but when no answer came, Kane grew impatient. Gently he pushed the door open, and pointed outside. "She's actually outside, if you want to talk to her, you'll have to climb out of the window."

"That's terribly unsafe." Shizuru replied. "Tell her that I'd like to address her, and it would be better if she came back inside." Shizuru doubted she could actually climb out onto the roof, even if the slant was mild at best. The mere idea made her feel dizzy. "I'd really rather not go out there."

"That would be a good way to make her run away." Kane said then, knowing better than to even try. "If you want to talk to her, it's better if you do it on her terms..." Kane trailed off, the helpless look in Shizuru's eyes enough to make him feel badly, wanting to apologize for his sister's actions. He walked over to the window, and looked out, seeing that his sister wasn't that far away. "She'd be able to hear you from the window, but I doubt she'd listen." He climbed out easily, and then held out his hand. "No one has ever fallen from the roof, you wouldn't be the first...I won't let that happen."

"Don't help her..." Aki called out, as she stood out, shoving her brother out of the way. "I'm not taking the rap if she turns out to be a klutz." She nearly growled, as her glare met the woman in front of her. "Mom would be pissed if I let you fall, so you stay there, and we'll stand here." The truth was, the roof was her hiding place, she didn't want someone else there. "Well, what is it?" Not someone she couldn't trust.

It was far easier being told the truth she'd received from Natsuki...but now, having to retell the same thing made Shizuru question so many things. She didn't have the time to ponder about the answers. Instead, she stood there licking her lips, suddenly feeling parched. "I wish there was an easy way to explain, but as much as I try to come up with the right words, I find that I'm lacking." These teens in front of her were watching her as if she were an enigma, and she realized, that as far as they were concerned that was the nearest thing to the truth. "I'm your mother." Shizuru sighed up, trying to not let her eyes wander away from them in shame. "Your real one."

"Horse shit." Aki's words were dry, and lacking any solid emotion. "There's no way in hell you could be."

"Aki, it's alrig-"

"No!..it's not." She yelled at her brother who had put his hand on her shoulder. "It's not alright, so don't pretend that it is." Fury burned in crimson eyes like a raging inferno, but the instant Aki turned to face her brother, that same fire burned out into nothingness. "It's not fine...it's not."

Kane's eyes hardened when he looked at Shizuru, and then, back down at his sister who had buried her face in his embrace, trying to block out the world. "She isn't lying." His words were soft as he mumbled them into his sister's ear. "I can tell that she isn't." Still, even when he looked at Shizuru, he found it difficult to believe himself. "Mom wouldn't have let her say it, if it was a lie." He knew that much for sure, still, under his scrutiny, he wondered just how much he didn't truly understand. "My family name is Kuga, not Fujino." He told Shizuru harshly, on the defensive because his sister was upset. "Her's is the same."

Never in his life had he ever felt so livid. Something in his cool gaze told Shizuru it was a frozen calm.

"My Mother's name is Natsuki Kuga. She's the only women we've ever known to hold that title, and that is how it will remain." In a world filled with things he never cared to know, his past, as questionable as it was, remained one of the highest on the list. He knew Aki felt the need to question it, but never had he imagined they would hear an answer such as this. "We may hold a bloodline, but nothing more than that." He couldn't accept anything else, not with his sister's tears staining his shirt.

There were so many things she wanted to say, but nothing spilled from her lips. She couldn't push any farther than this, she didn't have the right, and her worst fears were already confirmed. "I understand." It was all she could say to him, as she forced herself not to become weak, feeling herself begin to fail in that task horribly.

"You don't have a clue." Kane said softly then, watching as Shizuru left the room. He wanted to chase the woman down and have a few real words with her, but before he could do that, he had to deal with Aki. "Go to Aunt Nao's apartment." He'd told her protectively. "You'll be safe there...I'll send her when I get the chance." He didn't wait for Aki's response, prying her from his grip as he climbed back through the window. He could hear Shizuru's sobs in the hall, just outside the door, as if she hadn't the power to yet go down and face the group that awaited them.

With a clenched fist, he turned and watched Aki climb into the tree, knowing she would be safe. He hated getting stuck in this position, but as he opened his door his assumptions were confirmed, and he grabbed the woman's wrist, and dragged her back inside. "You'll need more backbone, if you want to be my mother." He sighed out, wondering how a woman could be so weak at heart. Her eyes were so far gone, a deeps pool that he feared even he would drown in. "Stop it..." His voice was barely a breath in the air, as he tried and failed. The tears wouldn't ebb...they merely flowed freely down his hand and onto the floor.

"How can I?" He couldn't understand her words through her sobs. "I knew you would hate me."

It was such a strong word, but Kane couldn't deny that he felt unclear. His world was upside down, and Aki's had just been obliterated entirely. He knew that it wouldn't matter, but that didn't stop him from feeling as if he had lost control of the situation. "Hate is only something I feel, once all hope has been lost." No, he didn't hate her. "Personally, I just don't feel anything." He felt numb, down to his very core. "Aki comes first...she will always come first, over everyone else, she's the most important to me."

He couldn't stay here, he couldn't be idle at a time like this, and though he wanted to lash out, he found that he couldn't change what just happened. No amount of shouting would make the pain in his chest go away. The only thing he knew, was that this woman wouldn't find solace within him, and he wouldn't find comfort in her unimaginable sadness. He couldn't do this by himself, and he doubted that today would ever find a true resolve.

…  
(Natsuki POV)

I expected that this would happen...I should have gone up there, I should have been the one to tell them, but even if I know that, I also know it wouldn't have changed the inevitable. Aki would have still taken it as an attack, and Kane would have been the brother he expects himself to be. Still, I could see in his eyes, when he came to get help, that he wasn't at all happy with me either. He didn't leave with Nao like I thought he might, but at the same token, I know with the way he's locked in his room, he doesn't want to talk to me this time.

I know that because when I tried to open his door, I was face to face with part of his bookshelf. I can tell he's eating, because he goes to Nao's to do that...and sometimes, he'll go out of his window, and scale the tree to get down stairs. He still resides here, but he refuses to say any more than a few brief words. Always respectful, but still, I can see it in his eyes...he's hurting too, but I know he told Shizuru the truth. He honestly doesn't care about her. He couldn't care less what relation he has to her, that isn't his concern.

Aki's reaction rubbed off on him, but even more than that, his own future comes into question. Who Shizuru was to him doesn't matter. That's how he feels. Now, what he's worried about the most, is what Shizuru will become, and he wonders if Aki can accept that. It's merely Kane's way. Shizuru wanted to run away, to give up and let Aki win. I won't let her. I refuse to let Aki win a battle based on stubbornness alone, I refuse to let her anger ruin the lives of those around her. I won't let her wrath dictate her truest feelings.

Aki's angry now, but she's had the answer she's always suspected thrown at her...I couldn't expect she'd take it well...but I can expect that she'll learn to overcome it...because as much as Aki's angry, this is what she's always wanted. Still, it's been a week now, and until Aki can confront this anger of hers, and her deep down fear of being unwanted, our stalemate will keep going on.

…

"He still hasn't come out of his room?" Mai asked as she looked up at the ceiling.

Natsuki looked up too, but only briefly before she sighed. "Oh no, he comes out...he just doesn't say much when he does." Natsuki looked down at the tea Shizuru had prepared before she went out to spend time in the garden. "Honestly, I'm starting to think this isn't going to end any time soon."

"Hmm." Mai nodded, but she wasn't quite sure what to make of it. "Do you think Tate could be of some help?"

"I've thought about that." Natsuki was busy with work, and with trying her best to get Aki on more civilized terms, a feat that wasn't easy. "Kane really trusts Tate, and he admires him a lot." Was that enough? Natsuki wasn't so sure. "I just don't think Kane's up for talking much. He's always one to take things slow." She wanted to assume this was just one of those times, even if it was hopeful thinking at best. "I'm going to give him a while longer to mull things over in his own head. Pushing him into talking never works."

Mai blanched at that. "It's just so frustrating, and honestly, I can't stand Nao's idea of parenting." The shared look between them was enough to share the torture Nao could induce to the surrounding apartments. "If it isn't loud music, it's always weird silences, as if they're out walking the streets. I know they're doing something they shouldn't be, Nao's apartment is completely trashed."

"When isn't it trashed?" Natsuki muttered whilst shaking her head. "Really though, Aki needs time to herself too, and this wasn't exactly far from what we thought would happen." The other problem was, Mai was a natural mothering hen, she would flit around, hovering over shoulders without really meaning to do it. Natsuki was sure the duo, who normally avoided that at all cost, would find other places to spend their time. "Nao can handle it...I know that much." It wasn't a matter of capability. It was a matter of how Nao would handle it, that worried Natsuki inwardly. "I just hope Aki doesn't come home with any weird piercings or tattoos in places she can't hide."

"As if you would allow a tattoo she could hide." Ma was hopeful at least, that Natsuki would answer the negative.

Natsuki merely lifted her tea to her lips, a sarcastic smile plastered across her face. "Could be worse, with Nao in charge."

"Don't remind me." Mai really wished she could do something to help. It would be pointless...her confectionery expertise, while quite tasty, couldn't mend wounds. "Anyway, keep me updated, would you. Tate would come over in a heartbeat, if he thought it would help." Only time and forgiveness could do something like that.

Natsuki walked Mai to the door, but they both paused when they saw Kane climbing down from the tree again, something he did when he was in search of food, or to get to the bathroom. He refused to move the bookcase away from his bedroom door. They both waited, expecting him to stumble through with his sleepy eyes and rumpled clothes, as if the meaning of life had once again evaded him. Instead, much to the surprise of the onlookers, he didn't go near the house, but instead walked across the lawn. "He looks like hell." Natsuki sighed then, watching from the window. "I can tell he hasn't been sleeping well."

"Or eating properly either." Mai agreed, the boy walked without pretense, dragging his weary body along in a haphazard fashion. "A boy his age can't survive on instant packets alone." He finally plopped down in the grass, staring oddly enough, at the sunflowers he'd planted not all that long ago. "What do you suppose has gotten into him." Mai asked as she noticed Shizuru had been watching him too. Her current work outside forgotten, a stunned expression drifting clearly over her features.

"I wish I knew." Lost for words, and an explanation, Natsuki could merely watch on as Kane poked at one of the flowers, but it wasn't as if he seemed interested in them, more like he had nothing better to do. "Come on, I'll show you out the back."

"Never mind that." Mai said shaking her head. "I'll stay around for another cup."

...

Outside, the humming that had dawn Kane down from his room stopped the moment he sat down. He was unimpressed with the flowers before him as he waited idly for the soft sound of harmony to come back. He knew at a glance in Shizuru's direction, she wouldn't hum that little tune for him. "You don't have to cry." He'd murmured then, though, it was devoid of his usual softness. It was blank, just like his eyes as he fell backwards to look at the sky. It seemed so cheerful, he wondered why it seemed to taunt him.

Shizuru tried to hold back her tears, but the mere sight of him, as if he'd fallen from the person he once was, made it impossible.

"I told you, don't cry." Even with a hardened edge to his voice, and sitting up to address her, he found that he couldn't be angry at her. "Pathetic..." His accusation was made gentle by his hand as he took it in hers. "Any mother of mine, shouldn't be allowed to cry." In his eyes, she could only see weakness, one failure, and this woman fell apart. He couldn't understand that, not after she'd been gone for so long. He'd been hopeful, that with Aki's anger as motive, he could keep Shizuru at bay, he knew however, that just wasn't the case. "It's a weakness." And as much as he hated it, he could only pity her.

"The circumstances are beyond my control." Her words came to him brokenly. "It was all I could do then, too." As if she could agree with him, but couldn't become a stronger, better person. "I don't expect that you understand, or that you accept my words at truth." Yet, she hadn't even had that chance, her voice had gone unheard.

"I should hate you." He muttered, knowing that his sister did hate Shizuru, with likely every fiber of her being. "Loathe the fact that you exist entirely." He could not block out the words that echoed in his mind, not so long ago, before his eyes had been opened to the real heart of the matter. "I wish that I could." Memories told him, he didn't have that luxury.

A pleading note had rang out in front of him, not so long ago. _"Alright, I get it..."_ When he'd had nothing to redeem him from his failure. "_It's different when it's me...but Kane, really, there are situations that are going on with Shizuru and I. Things that she isn't ready to talk about. Just like you are afraid people will hate you, Shizuru is downright petrified that you'll deem her unworthy of being apart of our family. You and your sister mean the world to me, and she doesn't just have to win my heart, she has to earn your acceptance too. She's frightened of that...I can't ask you to blindly accept her. It would be unfair. But I can ask you to be kind to her...that you will accept what I do with my life, even if that means she ends up in my bed."_ Natsuki, the woman he respected above all else, the person he knew as his mom, even in his earliest years, had found something within this excuse for a human being.

He owed at least that much in return.

He wondered if he should think of Shizuru as a lesser creature, but honestly, it wouldn't matter. It wasn't honorable when he pulled Shizuru into an embrace. He wondered idly, if he had a speck of true kindness for this woman. Right now, he couldn't be sure he could offer her such a thing. It wasn't that he was being selfless, but rather much the opposite. "You left us, that's reason enough to hate you." He was not going to follow the whims of others. "My mom wants you here, that's reason enough to accept you." He would never grow into that type of man, but when left with a choice, he found he didn't have enough conviction one way or the other. "I don't have my reasons like Aki and my Mom do...I can't follow their wishes, I can't do either of those things. I won't take sides." Yet he would also not deny the need to protect the one link into his past, an insight he never wanted. Still, now that he had it, he would guard it from prying eyes. "What you'll become remains to be seen, that's for you earn...I won't give it to you freely." He wondered if he could give this woman any family title at all...he was unsure.

He would not let her go as she cried out poison, one so deadly, he could nearly feel it burning into him. For a moment, he considered asking what had gone on back then...for reasons why he was alive. It felt sickening to even think about, he wouldn't ask, and he wished she would never say. The grass was green, the sky a bright blue, and the sun, shining...this day was a happy torment. Proof of a world around him, a tranquility not so far out of reach...and he wished they could just plant flowers, and forget anything that had happened.

He knew, that at least today, that wish would go on, unfulfilled.

…

Nao couldn't help but smile when she walked through the door to her apartment, seeing Aki completely passed out on the floor, a pillow propping up her hand held gaming system. It was late at night, but every light was on, brightly announcing someone was actually home for a change. Nao put the warm dish on the stove, some dinner Mai had made would be awaiting Aki to wake up to eat it. The kitchen table was trashed with beer bottles from the night before, but now, papers also littered the table, Aki school work a haphazard mess.

Nao thought about that...The red lines, the corrections, and the notes that only seemed to be half helpful, and half ranting. The teacher's red ink more like a blood stain than a helpful encouragement to try harder.

Nao sighed as she put on some water to boil, trying to find her coffee filters in the rubble she called a home. She never really brought home guests, so, she hardly cleaned. Now though, she'd taken to actually putting some dishes into the washer, and had put the recyclables into their proper bins. The carry out boxes that were stacked by the door seemed like a tower, but Nao wouldn't worry about that until trash day. She sighed as she went to go hit the shower, knowing the squealing kettle would wake Aki up when it was ready.

Out of all the rooms in Nao's house, her bathroom was the only one she really took the time to maintain. It was an old one, outdated in nearly every possible way, but was functional, and that's all she cared about. Even when she started the hot water and stepped under the spray, pulling the thin plastic shower liner across the tub, she thought it suited her, that her apartment was as easy as it was. If anything, it gave her time to tinker around on her days off, something she wasn't always found of, but that she enjoyed sparingly.

Nao was one for long hot showers, and she'd been unsure just how much time had eluded her, but she didn't really care either. She'd only just considered leaving the heated spray when Aki came through the door sleepily to use the bathroom. "Hey kiddo." Nao took amusement in the messy long strands of hair that framed Aki's face, the multiple colors mixing into a disheveled and dark rainbow. "Didn't think you'd pass out so early. Mai made you some dinner, it's in the kitchen." She turned off the water, and sighed when she realized her things were on the other side of the toilet.

"I'm not really hungry." Aki replied sleepily as she handed Nao the long, ungodly green towel. "I'm never hungry when I first wake up...though I'm not even sure why I did." Though she was thankful for the coffee to wake up with, she couldn't help but feel like she should just go back to sleep. "I'm never going to figure out that stupid homework."

"It may be stupid now, but you've got to decide if it will be stupid later." Nao thought it wasn't really important as she ruffled Aki's hair on the way out, so that she could grab herself some of the much desired warmth that only a coffee jolt could give, smirking as the smell soothed her entirely. "Do you want cream, or just sugar?" First she clutched her robe that was hanging on the hook right out side of the bathroom, throwing it over her form.

"Both, if you have it." Aki called back, though in truth, her mind was less on the coffee, and more on her failing grades. "What do you think I should do about it?"

"Drop out, honestly." Nao replied as she made two mugs of coffee the same. A little cream, and a lot of sugar. "There's more for you to do in this world than get bogged down by things like that." Nao handed Aki one of the identical mugs, before looking over the homework at the table. "You won't need half of this crap outside of school." In fact, that's was what drove Nao crazy. "You'd think they'd teach you survival skills, like how to write out tax forms, and keep a balanced check book." Nao grumbled then. "These equations are really pretty, but in my line of work, common sense works just fine. Measure twice, cut once...easy stuff." Though, in truth it came easy because she had years of practice at it.

"All I know, is I don't want to be doing some minimum wage job my entire life. I want something better." Aki was sometimes afraid she wouldn't be able to keep a job at all, if she couldn't even do her school work correctly. "You and mom were that way for a long time, right?" She knew that answer already.

"Everyone starts off someplace, and usually it's the new people that get the crappiest things to get done." Nao rolled her eyes, remembering several times when that had applied to her. "You have time, ya know. Screw off school, deal with more important things."

"Yeah, like what?" Aki slowly closed her science book, pausing at that. Nao had a soft, but apprehensive look on her face as she took a careful sip of the coffee.

"Well, there's a lot of important things." For an entire week, Aki had happily stayed away from home, but Nao knew that couldn't keep happening forever. "Your mom for one...Kane for another." Nao wondered idly just why she was always stuck with dealing with the harder of the twins, thinking it was some form of divine retribution. "Family is something you make, Aki...it isn't just blood ties. If it were, no one would ever get married. Hell, we'd probably all kill each other after some horrible mutation."

"And people say Mom gets morbid." Aki muttered then as she sighed. "She learned it from you..."

"I am the master at that ya know." Nao let a low chuckle fall from her lips, but she wished to see Aki smile too. "You know, back when you were little, your mom and I were in a bad place in our lives." How many nights had she really spent like this over the years? It seemed nearly endless. Nao knew for a fact she'd invested a lot of time, and energy, into Aki's upbringing. "We were actually worse off than either of us would ever admit." And yet, nights like this were fleeting. Nao knew one day, she would miss them. "Aki...I've tried to stand in a place close enough that you could rely on me, but that, if I ever wanted, I could walk away, and leave you behind." That was the thing that was the most twisted about this.

"But, you didn't...did you?" Aki knew that answer. Nao had always been there. "I know what you're trying to say...but, you're not an aunt to me."

"I know, I'm not." No, without the fiery redhead noticing it, she had somehow taken the place of a second parent. "I don't know why I stayed around." Nao had begun to think about that answer the most. When the truth had fallen into Natsuki's lap, it was devastating. "I just did..but that was the draw, Aki." When Shizuru had first come around, Nao felt threatened, but, she also knew it wasn't her place to stand it. She never wanted it in the first place. "I could have stood in that place with your mom, I had that choice when I held you in my arms the first time...I was scared, and you weren't even mine."

In truth, Nao couldn't imagine the agonizing fear of being a teenage parent. She had tried to think about the kind of person it would have taken to muddle through such a confusing path. "I think it's time for you to get a morality check." Nao felt sick back when she used to think of the truth. "I wouldn't have kept any babies, if I'd ever gotten pregnant...I would have been in a clinic so fast, Aki."

"You would have kept your kids, if you'd had any." Aki said then. "And you would have raised them, because you raised us." She wanted to be hopeful, and keep close an image of the one person she idolized the most. Nao was the strong one, the back sheep that wasn't hated...the loved for who she was, even when she was scolded. Nao was the cool one, the bad ass, the one with all the answers, always. "You stayed with us...so I know that if you would have had your own...they would have been with you forever."

Nao shook her head. "I wouldn't have been strong enough..." She hated admitting that, but it was a truth she had come to terms with several times in her life, every time she begrudged a shadowed figure whom she'd never even seen. "You think about that, before you put me on some high stage. I'm not any better than Shizuru, you just think I am...but in truth, she gave birth to you...I wouldn't have even made it that far." Stumbling through life, Nao could barely manage back then. "If it wasn't for Natsuki, you and Kane wouldn't be here, I wouldn't have been looking after orphans, I could hardly look after myself. I would have dropped you on the nearest doorstep."

"I know what your saying." Aki sighed out, she didn't want to believe it. "I'm sorry if I can't be a better person...but, can you blame me for hating her?"

"No...I can't." Though Nao often wondered if that was the worst part of it. "It's easy to be angry when she's still here, and you can throw your anger at her..." She pulled a joint and a lighter and put it on the table. "My mom was always very ill when I was young, and I hated her for every single misgiving. She passed away shortly after my eighteenth birthday. I never got the chance to tell her how much I really hated her." Though, upon reflection, Nao could only sigh. "Or that I loved her...and that I was sorry for giving her the hell I put her through." With that, she got up and went to bed, although she knew, it going to be another one of those sleepless nights.

* * *

Yeah, I know...it ended on a dark note...next chapter will make up for it... once I edit the darned thing...


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: We're hitting the home stretch with this fiction guys, so, just so you know...this not so long journey is about to come to an end here within the next few chapters.

I don't own Mai HiME/Mai Otome.

* * *

**White Fence  
Chapter Eight  
**(Natsuki POV)

In a world filled with problems, the best anyone can do, is try to stay strong, even when you think there's no point. You can reach out for that glimmer of hope, and pray to any god you can think of...holding your breath as the crash of dreams and nightmares become the world in which you live. That would be appropriate, even if it failed...botched attempts are still attempts. Learning to breath again, even if you're wading in poison, is a step in the right direction. I've tried to keep that in consideration my entire life. I've kept a stupidly impossible hope, and I've lived the life many deem inappropriate.

In the end, when the world faces me, I'm the one watching the sun set on my roof.

There is a sick, twisted, and vicious morality to this world...oddly, it's beautiful because of that. Through the dirt, the tears, and the pain that thunders in the night...there's a strange sense of romance that wafts over our pathetic human lives. In smoky haze of drinking, gambling, sex, greed, and every other horrific sin you can imagine...there are survivors who still stand up in the hell that their lives have become. A woman on the street, walking to her car, or shopping at the market, could be a victim of so much but, would you ever know? If she were a woman who was strong enough to move past the pain, and find good in this fucked up world, well, isn't that beautiful?

I don't think we would know, because we like tragedy as a human race...it makes us feel something...anything, every one is different. Still the fact that a human can feel anything, and determine for themselves what is right and wrong, is by chance, the most amazing thing in the world. It's a great power, and because of that, we set fires of devastation into the souls of many. It's with those same hearts, imperfect, and challenged to do so much by the whims of others, that we mend the wounds, and heal broken hearts.

It may be as simple as a smile to a passer by...or a scowl of hate and judgment...isn't it funny the power such a things holds?

Humans aren't pitiful, we like to think we are. We aren't gods, because death comes for us all. We aren't perfect, because as humans, we fail naturally...to succeed is a triumph to be celebrated. In every child that's born, a future is placed in that child's hands...as parents, our job is to hold, and protect that little soul...to guide that future...good or bad, it's their path, not ours...but that doesn't mean you can let them do everything on our own. When did our world grow to be so distinct...aren't morals gray?

Aren't they as vast as the sky above my head?

I like to think they are...that nothing is right or wrong...it just is...and it's our job as humans, to live...just live and one day...to die. It's that easy...but if we're going to live, why not chase after our dreams? Why not love? Why not lose? Why not experience all of the good with the brightest of smiles, and all of the bad with our eyes shining as brightly as the stars? It may be childish to think that way, but who ever said I had to grow up?

Wisdom has nothing to do with age, and everything to do with the strength of one's own heart.

…

"Mom..." Natsuki looked up from the paper she had been glancing at, seeing that her daughter was standing in the doorway to the kitchen, waiting to be invited in. "Are you busy?" Her voice was filled with childlike hesitation that betrayed the makeup Aki donned, the colors as dark as night.

Natsuki frowned however, when she took notice of fawn colored roots, indicating Aki hadn't recently dyed her hair at all. "No, I'm not." She slid the adding machine away from her, and gathered the papers neatly nearby. "I was just paying bills." All the while she wondered why Aki was suddenly in a mood to talk. "What's up?" Aki hadn't been answering her phone, and had even been ignoring most of Natsuki's texts as well.

She didn't say anything, she didn't even move from her spot. "Nothing really." With her crimson eyes drifting to the floor, her cheeks heated in a mild blush, something Aki was normally brazen enough not to do. "What's it like, to be in love with a woman?" Her voice even became shallow, and devoid of her normal tone, replaced for one filld with nervousness.

"Women are softer." It was a rushed answer, and Natsuki found that even that wasn't good enough. "They say love is love, but, a woman is different than a man." Natsuki said then, she'd never really thought about it. This was the first time she'd seen her daughter in ten days. "I'm not a good example, but women have this way about them." It wasn't something Natsuki truly had an answer for.

"I don't think all women are soft." Aki assumed she already knew well, but one look at her own image and Aki knew she wouldn't fit the description. "What type of person do I have to be, to be considered a woman, really?" Even her nails had a dark blue polish on them, with a black tip on the end. She liked to do her nails, and her makeup, but she kept it so thick, while most women she knew were often without the mask. "I'm not soft."

Natsuki shook her head. "That isn't what I mean." Her mind scramble to pull an answer out of a hat, but she knew nothing of magic. "Can I be blunt?" Natsuki asked then scratching her head, and glancing at the stairs to be sure no one was around."Like, really freakishly blunt, like Nao would be?"

"If you have to be." Aki shrugged trying to act uncaring.

"Okay...it's like when you kiss them, they normally have really soft lips, cause they take the time to keep them moist." Natsuki wasn't good at this sort of thing, her feelings were a mystery to even herself on the best of days, and on the worst, her mind was like a tornado. "Or, when you're making love with a woman, there's these things about them, the way they move and feel...the way they smell...a man could just never be the same way. The women I like, they're soft like that...but the men I like, are tough and hard...strong and see things in a definitive light."

"Then why aren't you with a man? That would be normal." Aki couldn't figure it out. "You're always complacent about that stuff...but if it doesn't matter, then why be with a woman?" She crossed her arms, and chanced a glance at her mother who's emerald eyes were burning into her with concern. "What now?"

"I told you, I can't explain it well." Natsuki muttered then, a little bit annoyed at herself for that. "I'm a woman with a hard edge to myself, sometimes I wonder if I was meant to be that way...sometimes I'm afraid that I grew stronger than I should have." Natsuki didn't know what to think, she hadn't expected this conversation to be so overt. "I've slept with men too, but, it takes a special type of person to stand by my side." She sighed as she pulled her thick glasses off of her face, and rubbed her eyes. "What is this really about? Come in here and talk to me."

In truth Aki wanted to bolt again. She just wanted to run, go back to Nao's and stay there. Yet, that was part of the problem right there...Nao was completely lackadaisical about romance too. "Why didn't you pick Nao?" Aki couldn't understand it. "The two of you are like...no one can rip the two of you apart." It bothered her. "Nao's perfect, and you don't even care about her?"

"Aki, Nao's my best friend in the entire world." She ran her fingers though her long hair, knowing this wasn't going to be easy. "Nobody could replace her...but she and I, together? Yeah...that would be a bad idea." Natsuki could remember the times she'd considered that, but it was a line they didn't want to cross. "We had this fling of sorts...when we were younger. That's all we had, and all we wanted. Nao was always a presence in our lives, and I needed that more than I needed a lover."

"So you want that woman in that place?" Aki couldn't explain how betrayed she felt by that. Shizuru didn't belong among then, as far as Aki was concerned. "You want a stranger in your life, over Nao?"

"She's a stranger to you, because you're afraid of her, and the real truth." Natsuki had always wanted warmth in her life, and now that she had some measure of that, she wasn't going to give it up. "I want to be loved by a woman who can share in every part of my life, and accept me for who I am...even if that means she and I aren't conventional. Nao has no desire to be in a relationship, but Shizuru does...and for what little it may be worth, she does want to be apart of our lives..not just mine, but yours too."

"Maybe...I don't know how I feel about that." Aki murmured. "I don't know if I can trust her."

"Whatever you decide to do is between you and Shizuru." Natsuki said then. "I won't force you to like her. Just try to be as respectful as you can manage when she's in this house." It was late, and Natsuki knew she had to get up early. "Shizuru and I are being as discrete as we can be, because we know it still bothers Kane a little bit. I promised him a few days ago that Shizuru won't spend the night over here until he gets used to her. Although, if I go next door during the night, and you need to reach me, you'll know where I am." Natsuki sighed out. "I'm trying to make this work for everyone."

Aki frowned, and leaned back in the kitchen chair. "Do you want her to be over here?" Shizuru was only a moment away. "She's just right next door."

"This may not mean anything to you...but to me, even one house away is sometimes unreachable." In truth Natsuki did want Shizuru here with her...but, that wasn't going to happen any time soon. "I've lived in an entire lifetime so fast, you and Kane are starting not to be around much anymore...and that's fine, but what about me?" Natsuki had never asked anyone else that question. "When you are out with your friends, who's with me? My friends have lives that keep them busy...you have Nao and Akira to torment...so, who keeps me company?" Natsuki couldn't deny, she really did want another child, and one of the papers crumpled in the corner, just happened to be a donor list for sperm banks in the area. It was something she'd been pondering for well over a year, but time was fleeting if she was going to try. "I want to live my life to the fullest, and do it without regrets. I want Shizuru to be apart of that, but if she will or not, remains to be seen. I can't promise my heart to her, I live my own life to live. So she either sticks around, or she leaves. It's that simple."

"Would it be so easy for her to just walk away again?" Aki didn't know what she wanted more...for Shizuru to just leave now, and get out of their lives quickly...or to stay, and become apart of their continually obscure family. "If it's that easy, she should go. WE don't need someone who'll just abandon us again. It isn't worth the effort."

"It has nothing to do with being easy...it has to do with the way life works." Natsuki smiled softly then, her emerald eyes fighting through the tiredness she felt. "People come and go, sometimes without any rhyme or reason. Sometimes they don't even say goodbye, they don't have the chance." She wished times like these were easier to explain. "I've listened to Shizuru's reason to why she left you...it's valid. I understand why she did it, even if I don't agree with it." Natsuki suppressed her own guilt too. "If I had opened that convent door sooner, maybe she would have stayed...or, maybe she could have taken you to a better place. That blame rests on my shoulders, but I don't regret it."

"Why couldn't you have just told us from the start?" Aki felt like her entire world was crashing around her, even if it was being rebuilt piece by piece, she wasn't sure if she wanted that. Her old life was fine, everything she knew, it had been okay. "Why'd you hide it?"

"There were two little babies in a white, woven bassinet, with lace trimmings held together by a cotton bow, and there was a shade to block out the sun." Natsuki began, as her voice became soft, as seeing a far off place within reach. "Inside the pockets, there were a few diapers, but no notes...not a single letter to say who you were. The only clue I had to go by was the name Fujino, a name, that as you know, is well known. It was back then too." It wasn't hard to recall, but to talk about it was difficult. "That's was what was on the nameplate. I tried to locate your real mom, but my search came up with nothing, and according to the heath departments, you and Kane didn't even exist."

It was so long ago, but it was still vivid. "I was angry, Aki...and alone. I took you in at first out of pity...out of a sense that I would you better than anyone else in this world, because you were unwanted too." Her fate had been sealed when she sighed away her name on the dotted line, but then, she faced the slander of being a teenaged mother, alone at that. "I didn't plan on keeping either of you, but, I did...it just happened. I wanted that, Aki. I wanted to watch you and Kane grow up, I wanted to be the one who was needed by somebody." She put a hand over her daughter's, even their skin tone was nothing alike. "You gave me that. You can give Shizuru that same gift...I'm still your mom kiddo, I'm not giving you up...You'll gain more than you'll lose."

…  
(Natsuki POV)

I didn't go over to Shizuru's that night like I wanted. I actually ended squished between both Aki and Kane in my bed.

I know, lovely right?

One sweaty teenaged boy on one side, and a snippy pain in the ass on my other. So much for packing an over night bag. Sometimes, it's easy to forget that they both still need me around, and that Shizuru's a threat to them. I can let people come and go, and I'm okay with that...but, they aren't. Kane's afraid to get hurt, afraid to get close to Shizuru, but he's working though it...slowly, as I expected that he might do...that's just Kane's normal way. He wants to understand Shizuru, if only because that's his inquisitive nature.

Aki is quite a bit different.

This reminds me of so many nights in our past, when it was literally four people in a bed, there was no room to turn unless you wanted to fall on the floor, or bash your head on the wall. Nao was on end, I was on the other. The twins would sleep between us. I can't tell you how many times I would get slapped in the face by a little hand, or wake up with someone's foot in my gut. I'm actually surprised the twins didn't swear like truck drivers as small children, lord knew Nao and I used invectives as if they were a family creed. It wasn't the best thing to do, but, we never were perfect.

We were however, stuck together like glue. That type of life, that close bond, followed us all the way into our first apartment and beyond. Aki and Kane were best friends, and the worst of rivals when they were younger. They shared everything, even bathing at the same time until near puberty. They just had that bond that couldn't be broken...

A lot of that was because when they were little, it was a necessity.

I couldn't leave them alone, and Nao wasn't always around if she was stuck in class. I had to get creative with things. When we stayed at the chapel, we didn't have enough plastic plates, and things like that. They ended up sharing one, or, eating out of the cooking pot with me when they were old enough to control a spoon. When they were on the move I'd end up following them with lunch to make sure they actually ate it...and I can't tell you how many times they took baths or showers with me at the same time, just to preserve hot water. When we moved into our first apartment, we had to eat on the cheep, and sleep on the floor in sleeping bags...it took me a while to learn how to budget things, so there were times we didn't have heat, but they were used to that.

Winters in the chapel were always cold, so we slept huddled for warmth...at the apartment, we did the same thing.

Even now, there's a lot of that mentality that hasn't left them. They don't have a concept of privacy, and think barging into any room is fine...and honestly, it should be. I raised them to be that way, living without a guard up, at least not one around family. Though, that makes it a problem for me. They don't trust Shizuru, and don't want to be hurt by someone they hardly know...and Kane is protective, frighteningly so. He would go to war in an instant with Shizuru, if he thought it would protect this family.

Call it what you want, this isn't conventional...but then again, that's not any fun.

This is why Aki and Kane are important to me. They gave me meaning back then, and give me the same meaning now. They'll always be mine...they're loyal, but even more than that, they know their place. They understand I'm here, no matter what they need from me. This is the place I decided to stand...I don't regret it...not even now, when they make my life hell...

Trust me, as much as I love my kids, there's nothing more annoying then having willful teens who take insistence to an entirely new level. I was tackled, and Kane is strong enough now, I can't fend him off. My growling doesn't intimidate him any more either.

Though, I do wish Kane didn't smell like a footlocker tonight of all nights...that's a problem for another day.

…

It wasn't even dawn when Aki decided to sneak out of the house, knowing Shizuru would already be up. It was an ungodly early hour, but Shizuru was always an early riser, and often by this time, a few of the houselights were on. Shizuru's kitchen faced near the back, and when the light was on, there was a good chance the woman was already dressed and waiting for the early rays of the sun to beckon her. When Aki knocked on the door though, she was met with a woman who wasn't the normal epitome of perfection. A gloom that Aki couldn't describe hung over the woman's head, suddenly, Aki felt guilty.

"I know it's early." Aki began, looking back over to her own home, thankful everyone was still asleep. "I'm sorry, it's just that Kane's my brother, and I don't want him to know. I could only come now." He would try as always to protect his sister, but Aki had no idea what type of villain she'd fabricated. "Mom's still sleeping too." Shizuru was not the monster within the pit of nightmares.

"It's alright. I find the best times to enjoy the company of others, is when the rest of the world sleeps." Shizuru stepped aside, her mind wondering if she was lacking in her normal wit, unsure if this girl had really come to her door. "Would you like something to drink?" Yet, there Aki stood, in her living room of all places.

"No...it's okay." There were frames that protected old, withering photos, from a time long gone. All of them were merely figments of the past. She recognized herself as a baby, saw for the first time, infant pictures that seemed to call out in admission. "My birthday's wrong." She smiled then, though it was forced. "Everything you know about me...you're wrong." She didn't want to know the truths, she realized that now. It wouldn't change the life she knew, the life she wanted to protect and hold near.

"I don't suspect that I know anything about you." No, Shizuru sighed at that, their pasts had been erased when she let go of them. "Your names aren't even the same anymore." Everything, down to their birth certificates had been expunged completely, her father was to thank for that, and inward loathing found the pit of her gut once more. "The only things I truly know about you, are the facts I've seen. I know your family name is Kuga, that you're nearly fifteen years old, and that you play video games every Monday night, if you can...lastly I know that I gave birth to you, watched you grow for as long as I could, and then I had to give you up...I know I'm not the one who raised you. I understand I wasn't there...and I can't blame you, if you hate me because of that."

"A mom is opposed to be there to fight with her daughter, we should argue all the time." Aki said then, as she picked up one of the oldest photographs. "My mother would nag at me, tell me not to do things...complain when I don't bring a good boy home. She would tell me I have to be more ladylike, because getting into fights isn't what good girls do." Aki sighed then as she turned to face Shizuru. "In my head, I've always had that idea, that's what a real family would be like. They wouldn't let me do the things I do...but then I wonder, if I would hate them for not understanding me." It was harder to forgive than she thought it would be, and she'd thought it would be impossible. "I thought I would be like Aunt Nao...that I could be like Aunt Nao, and mom...and I could make my own way in life...so, it would be alright, if I'd had a family like that." It was beyond impossible.

"That's not what happened. I had mom and Nao around, they are my parents." Aki couldn't imagine giving another term of such importance to a person like Shizuru. "The family you left us with...it wasn't a family at first...we had to make it into one. That's what mom had to do." She couldn't see this woman as her mother, but, she couldn't just walk away either. "So, what am I supposed to do when she says she gets lonely? She wants you around, and I don't want you here...but she needs you, even if I don't." Aki felt lost, but her fury was losing strength as well. "So you tell me, what am I supposed to do about that?"

"You could loath me for the rest of your life. It would be fitting of the Fujino bloodline, and we are blood, if nothing else." Shizuru said then, in defeat. "I hate my father so deeply, there are no words to describe the sickening feeling in my gut. When I so much as think of him, I feel ill. If you were to hate me in the same way, I would accept that blame fully, a repentance a best." It wasn't what she wanted, but, it was a fate she could live with. "You could also take a much harder path, and forgive my transgressions. We could make that family Natsuki so dearly wants into a reality. It wouldn't be easy, sometimes, I doubt if we could." Shizuru wanted it too, to have something so important. "But, not matter what you do Aki, I will love you, and Kane until my dying days. I wish to grow old with Natsuki, and to live out my life with some measure of happiness."

"You don't even know what kind of girl I am." She had no idea why this woman seemed so intent on making everything sound so simple. "It's that kind of idealist crap that will hurt others." Yet Aki couldn't stop the faintest hope that glimmered in a far away place. "We aren't worth your time."

"Then why don't you tell me what kind of person you are." Shizuru sat down on the sofa, she couldn't keep her questions at bay, and she longed to understand this young girl who had so much fight within her. Shizuru wondered where it came from. It wasn't in the genes, that was for sure...so was perhaps, an influence? It was the only thing Shizuru could come up with. "Allow me to decide just what is worth my time, and my worries."

"As of next month, I'm a high school drop out." Aki said then, as if her words were a sudden downpour. "I drink hard liquor a lot, and mom lets me, as long as I don't leave the house. I took up smoking too, I don't know if I want to quit or not. Mom keeps me on a tight chain about it, but Nao's a little easier on me. I don't have a boyfriend...or a girlfriend...nobody's interested in me, because I'm tough girl who gets into fights. I like to fight, to feel strong...sometimes, I wonder if I was really meant to be a girl, and not a boy...sometimes I wish I was a boy, because then I could explain my actions easier...I like being like mom, she used to have a six pack, up until a few years ago. She worked out every day in the basement, and now, I try to do that too." She tried to be exactly like the women in her life, but one thing they all had in common was their hate...their anger...it seethed deeply in Shizuru too.

Was it fate?

Aki wondered if she was destined to be spun in the web of fury her entire life. "It doesn't matter what name I have...Kuga, Yuuki, or Fujino...they're all angry family names." She didn't want to be angry all the time. "Nao and my mom...they don't always say what they're thinking about, but I can see everything in their eyes, and I can see it reflected in yours too." She didn't want hate to consume her any more than it already had, but, it wasn't going to be easy to just accept this woman in front of her. "I've endeavored in this family, to be the one woman who could say she had a loving, wonderful family...that my life turned out for the best, and that it was always filled with joy...because I want to have children of my own one day...I want to tell them those things honestly." She could have said it honestly before. "I can't let you make a liar out of me...I will be a flawed human being my entire life, before I'm pegged as the liar." With clenched fists, she forced herself to admit that. "I will never allow myself to hate you, or to cast you aside...I won't be that person."

"What, may I ask, is so wrong about that?" Shizuru could see clearly the solid conviction. "You're life isn't conventional, Aki, but that isn't your fault." There was no normalcy to any of their lives. Not a sense of safety to be found when it mattered most. "I don't see some horrible person when I look at you." Shizuru knew in the same situation, she would have been a quivering mess of fears and half truths. "You do what you have to do, and I will go on as only I can. I will try to become a person worthy of your respect, I could only hope it would be enough."

"What if it's not?" Aki asked, a lingering question even beyond that not something she would say.

The fact of the matter was, Shizuru didn't know.

…

As the day ebbed on, she wondered idly about that.

Her future with Natsuki was something unseen, and though she could fully accept the fact that they each had their own lives. They were independent people first, lovers second, and a romantic monogamous relationship sat at a distant third. They both wanted a level of freedom, and Shizuru was thankful for that. Her own plans in life were of a working nature, she doubted she'd have time for any real courtship. Dating wasn't ever her thing, is was so formal, just like her work.

Natsuki had blown away those barriers, so easily in fact, Shizuru often longed for the nights to come loom overhead.

There were many times they liked to share merely comfortable company, something Shizuru assumed, made them more than merely sexual companions. There were other times pleasantries were forgotten, cold, hard sex put in it's place... not even a hello, or a farewell would slip from their lips during times such as those. That happened a little more often, which indicated they weren't merely friends with benefits.

Then there were nights like tonight, when a wind up and a pitch wouldn't end up at home plate.

It was nights like tonight, that made them unsure of their relationship. It was the disinterest in companionship, or even sexual desire...it was something they both had...nights when they wanted to just be alone. It happened more often than not, actually, and it was often something that troubled Shizuru. Though, in truth, they both tried desperately to be considerate, needs were needs...and Shizuru struggled to maintain focus, when Natsuki outwardly displayed hers.

"You know better." Shizuru sighed as she tilted her head to the side, a soft smirk across her features. Her fingers rested upon her keyboard, unsure of if she should push herself away from the desk, or try to endure the sweet torture whilst doing her work. "Natsuki, really, I've got to get this done." It was already late in the evening, so dark out, that the streetlights had come on. Natsuki had been pestering her for the better part of three hours so far. "The banquet is next weekend, if I don't finish this by then, I'll look like a mockery." She took in a sharp breath when Natsuki's hands had stopped massaging her shoulders, and slid down, playing with the exposed skin under the robe.

At first, Natsuki had merely been talkative, but now, it was bordering on erotic.

"I dunno, Shizuru." Natsuki said then as she draped herself loosely over Shizuru's shoulders. "It seemed like a pretty weak protest, if I do say so myself." Her emerald eyes looked at the screen, seeing Shizuru's newest dissertation. With slow movements she placed her hand over her lover's, clicking the save option on the page, and then closing the laptop. "Give it a rest, will ya? I'm working a double tomorrow, so I won't get to see you."

"Again?" Shizuru wasn't pleased at the news. "Natsuki that's-" She was cut off when soft lips silenced her.

Natsuki swallowed her desire and forced herself to pull away, knowing her advances were indeed quite insistent tonight. "The third evening this week, I know." They'd both been busy, and Natsuki had promised her son she would keep a low profile around him for a short time, so, keeping true to her word, Natsuki had found little in the way of time for romance. "But, we've gotta catch up on our work load, it's been hell in a hand basket all week. If I get one more distress call about that water main break downtown, I'm going to cry. People are working around the clock, and the pay is good, but it's driving me nuts." Natsuki wanted to forget about that tonight. "I need to decompress, Zuru."

"Natsuki, you know we can't." Shizuru sighed at that, particularity perturbed by the fact she was on her cycle. "Sometime next week."

"Then I'll be on mine." Natsuki groused, unwilling to think about several more long days and lonely nights. "No sex then, just cuddles." Natsuki was all but begging as she looked at Shizuru with her heart nearly out on her hands. "I'm lonely damn it all." She wanted a peaceful night of relaxation at the very least, and the hours were dwindling. "Please? I'll go find one of those sappy ass movies you like so much." She'd have to be awake and out the door in a mere eight hours, and that was if she counted on being fashionably late. Natsuki wouldn't mind if she was, at least, she couldn't care in the least now. "Think about it Shizuru. A warm bed, a movie, a glass of wine...you and me eating the strawberries from the farmers market...sounds nice, doesn't it?"

"My word, you are desperate." Shizuru said then with a gentile smile on her face. "It's rare you try to go to so much trouble." Though in truth, normally the roles were reversed. Shizuru sighed at her laptop, before putting the folder of her other work on top of it, her reading glasses soon to follow. "Alright, you get the wine, I'll get the movie." Natsuki had all but scurried into the kitchen, and Shizuru's brows furrowed as she contemplated about that. Normally, Natsuki was the one who wanted to be left well enough alone, and there were times Shizuru had managed to talk her way into a sleepover, and a relaxing night in bed. "Natsuki, is there something on your mind?" Shizuru asked then, peaking unto the kitchen.

"Not really." She was trying not to make a huge mess as she popped off the cork. A small blush came to her cheeks. "I'm hiding from Kane. I told him I would be working late tonight. When I got home, I heard voices upstairs. I think he may have brought his boyfriend over, and I really don't want to scare them off if that's the case. Just like Kane doesn't really want to know what I'm doing, I kinda feel the same about him." Aki was going to be out with Nao for evening, likely passing out in Nao's apartment later on. "I could have gone to see that new horror flick with Aki and Nao, but I thought I'd come over here instead." Leaning over the counter, she pulled two glasses off the shelf. "I missed you." The wine was a white zinfandel, a fruity wine, not dry at all.

"I missed you, too." Shizuru said then, forgoing the mere idea of a movie, stepping closer to Natsuki. "Have you decided on a donor?"

"No, not at all." Natsuki swirled her wine glass a little bit, the clear, yet pink tinted liquid was chilly against her parched throat. "You know, I still haven't figured out if I want to carry a baby yet. My line of work would make it difficult."

Shizuru suppressed a smirk, there was something alluring about that image. "A pregnant foreman, not exactly something one would see every day." She found herself unable to shake it from her mind. "Being pregnant wouldn't suit you. I found that it was rewarding, but I wouldn't do it again." Shizuru couldn't help the giggle that slipped from her lips. "Plus, I don't think you want to teach your unborn child horrid language from the womb."

Natsuki smiled softly at that. "Yeah, I don't think it would suit me either." That was part of her hesitation. "Everyone thinks of me as the problem solver, they seem to hide behind me. Mai always did it because I looked strong. Nao thought I was always more emotionally capable." Natsuki was alright with that, and even enjoyed the attention, to a point. "But, ya know...through all of that, a lot of people seem to forget that I am a woman." She wasn't bitter about it, but at the same time, she couldn't say she was happy about it either. "There was a time in my life I could bench press Tate, without an issue." Yet she'd let that side of her fade away into a more womanly form. "I could still do you or Nao easy though..."

Shizuru nodded, she could see Natsuki's predicament. "What if you didn't have to carry it?"

"Nine months is the easy part." Natsuki grumbled dryly though her smile didn't ebb. "I'm nearly at the finish line with Kane and Aki...I'm not sure I have it in me to go back to the starting gate." In truth, as rewarding as it had been, it took a lot out of her. "I'd bet it would be easier this time around, but I don't think I like the idea of having to worry about every little thing again." Natsuki just shrugged. "I'm still mulling it over. I don't think I actually will, but if I do, you'll be the first to know."

"Natsuki, do you believe in true love? The kind that comes, because you want it to be there more than anything?" Shizuru wondered about Natsuki's views. The woman of midnight tresses often would come and go as she saw fit, not that there was anything wrong with that. "I always find that no matter what I seem to do, you always look right beyond any barrier I seem to throw up at you." Natsuki's aloof behavior was just odd at best, and at worst, it was nights like this.

"I don't think it has anything to do with love." No, being insightful was just something that came her way. "You just have eyes that I know well by now." Shizuru and Aki were very similar. Shizuru was nearly an open book because of that. "It's because I feel something for you, that I want to get through those barriers." Yet they were both so set in their ways, their ideal of a normal relationship was something that would never be like everyone else. "I'm happy the way things are, we have a good thing going, I don't deny that." Her chuckle was smooth, and her eyes looked almost shyly at the counter. "You can take my actions to mean anything you want, Shizuru. I've already told you that it doesn't matter."

"It matters to me, Natsuki." Her voice was a liquid heat she couldn't act upon. Shizuru cursed at herself for her more womanly predicaments, as she gulped down the rest of her wine. "I find that it matters a great deal." She was trying to slow her mind, but it was dancing with glee, memories of things she wished she could have at this very moment taunted her. "Aki and Kane want nothing to do with their past, or, they're too afraid to ask what it may have been." The sinful tragedy was warmed by Natsuki's cool actions, somewhere down the line, all of the hurt had been healed, but it hadn't been taken away. "Does that mean they want nothing to do with me?" Natsuki was a very cryptic individual in her own ways. Kane and Aki had picked that up. "I don't understand anyone's intentions anymore, least of all, your own."

Natsuki didn't hesitate as she rounded the counter quickly, without warning, she hovered over Shizuru, and pulled her into a very passionate, heated kiss, that would do more to their already raging libido that either would want to admit. Natsuki didn't have intentions she could so willingly speak, and she didn't have a pretense in which she dared to act upon. No, Natsuki had done away with that when Aki and Kane were no longer in the dark, but she didn't have a clearly defined answer now. "It's this easy." Natsuki murmured breathlessly as she pulled away to steady herself. "Stop being so worried, and it can always be like that...no one would blame us."

"It would be okay." Natsuki said then, softly as she pushed tresses of fawn behind Shizuru's ear. "I promise."

"What if you change your mind?" Shizuru breathed her hands clutching onto Natsuki's red flannel shirt. "Then what would I do?"

"I won't change my mind." Natsuki put her hands over Shizuru's own. "I like this." Whatever it was they shared. "It works like this, I don't want to fix what isn't broken." Natsuki sometimes wondered if they should clearly define it, but always hated to even try. No, there was something nice about not having to explain, something so relaxing about just holding Shizuru near and dear, without a care for the worries of others. "I'm not afraid of commitment, but I'm afraid of being hurt by saying things I might be ready to say...some things that I might not be able to keep." Above all, Natsuki didn't want to walk on that thin rope.

"The fact that you're afraid at all, it worries me." Shizuru sighed at the warm embrace that fell over her. "I'm used to being on my own." Yet it felt natural to be with Natsuki. "I'm sorry if I'm difficult, I just have my own ways to do things."

"So am I." Natsuki shrugged. "I just don't care." Natsuki wondered when she had stopped worrying so much, she couldn't tell. She only knew Shizuru was the cause of it. "You make me a little reckless, but that's okay, Shizuru."

…

(Natsuki POV)

Time goes on slowly, as it always does. Yeah, you could wait for it to speed by, but, it probably won't. It gets to the point when you have to shake your head and clear the fog that people seem to get. One day is a good way to be narrow minded, and a week is long enough, that you can't predict what can happen. That's something some people never learn. I hope I've instilled that lesson, if my kids learn nothing else. Though, I'd like to think they've learned a great deal more than even I give them credit for.

Life is fluid.

It's meant to be lived fully, and without that acceptance, they will never truly understand why I'm able to live the way I do. Though in truth, having that type of outlook isn't favorable to many. Some say that I'm confused, or that I've no idea what I really want, I've heard enough that Indecision is a bad thing...but, the truth is, acting without having been prepared is just as bad. Life is a muddled thing, and clarity isn't something someone finds over night.

I love Shizuru...but, I won't say it...it's okay, not to say it.

I'll show her what it means to be cared for unconditionally...protected, without the words. Shizuru, she needs that more than those three little words. She needs so much more than what those three little words imply.

I know I've said it once, but I'll always say it again. Life has this strange sense of romance to it, some unnerving way to making your heart stop, and then start again. It has it's unbearable pain, and, it has those moments that take your breath away. I never really understood the second thing though...those moments when life just seems to frame something perfect, and you want to press the pause button, but you can't...I thought just being with Shizuru was enough to show me that, but life, it surprises you.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: We're coming up to the home stretch. There's just this chapter, and one more left. Thank you to all who've been following and supporting this story, it really means a lot. I hope you all enjoy this chapter.

I do not own Mai HiME/Mai Otome.

* * *

**White Fence  
Chapter Nine**

Shizuru's line of work gifted her formal settings more often than not, and she was always up to the occasion to speak at black tie functions. There were also lesser events she attended at local museums, and there were even times when she would find herself visiting classrooms. Most of her time, however, was spent in the quiet of her own home, or at the library doing research. For every hour of speech, countless hours of study fell onto her shoulders, her best findings some of the most daunting of tasks. While it was true she preferred speaking with university students, there was never a time she would turn down a local high school.

Her specialty was in nutritional anthropology, so when she was asked to speak as a guest, she catered to a few classes. The cooking and history classes were two of the most populated, as they'd exited out of the small theater that the high school had. The social sciences class, a university preparation course, were the last to leave, and also the class that had the smallest, but most promising number of individuals. Shizuru hadn't stayed long after her speech, the large crowed of students were eager to get on the buses and go home. Shizuru fully agreed with the sentiment.

While she liked to teach others, a fundamental part of her job, she was more adept at dealing with adults. Teens and children asked questions that were both very simple, and also complex. Both answers unfitting for those ages, and she often struggled with how to find a middle of the road answer. Even if she had one, it would inspire even more questions, and not all of them were appropriate. Still, with her materials packed away safely in the trunk, Shizuru had to compliment her job well done.

It was still early, and with that in mind, she decided she would try and make herself useful to people whom she actually cared to spend her time with.

It wasn't every day she took any interested in gathering Kane and Aki from school, but since she was out and about anyway, and their school was not so far out of her direction, she thought it might be nice to pick them up...at least offer a ride, even if nothing came of it. It was odd however, when what should have been a common sight greeted her for the first time. She'd heard of Aki's brawls, and had even see the aftermath often, but never had she actually witnessed a full blown fight.

It wasn't on school grounds, thankfully, but that fact only troubled Shizuru more, as she realized Aki had likely skipped class. She'd sighed in defeat when she stopped the car and slowly got out, realizing it had only taken a few seconds for a few punches to do enough damage. The other combatant, whoever he was, had fled the scene, afraid of Shizuru's car. Aki merely stood there, bracing the fence. "Yeah, run away." She called to him, slouching as she tried to steady herself. "Idiot." She held her own again, and took pride in that, a smirk across her face something cheeky.

"You shouldn't fight like that." Shizuru said softly, coming up to give the girl a hand. "It was reckless, you left yourself wide open."

"Yeah right." Aki could only spit some of her blood onto the pavement after she had bit her lip. "As if you'd know anything about fighting."

"I know a great deal more than you'd ever give me credit for." Shizuru could admit her classes had only been applied in theory at best, and a hobby in her youth. "Though, you've taken up such a sport, as if it's your way of life. I'm not one to search for violence like that." Shizuru handed Aki a few napkins, not having much else in her car to use. "We'll take care of that when we get you home."

"I'll go chill with Nao." Aki replied, not all that bothered by her lip, and more tormented by the soreness in her back from having actually hit the fence. "This isn't that big of a deal. It looks worse than it really is. If you think this is bad, you're lucky you didn't see some of the other fights."

Shizuru knew that. Some ice, and a little bit of time, and everything would be fine. Still, it was the fact she'd even witnessed such a thing that bothered her the most. "I know this doesn't seem like much, coming from me." Shizuru gripped the wheel of her small economy car tighter, hoping she didn't appear as strung out as she'd felt. "However, if you want to fit in, and have a place in this world, fighting won't always be the answer. In fact, I can almost promise it will yield negative results."

Aki shrugged, her eyes facing forward, and not at all in Shizuru's general direction. "Giving up isn't the answer either." Aki mumbled then, her eyes focusing on anything far away. "Fighting's really the only things I'm good at." Like Nao, she'd learned a wicked temperament early on, and like Natsuki she refused to put up with anything sent her way by her peers. "I don't have anything to lose, so it doesn't really matter. Fist fights never do any real damage to anyone."

"No, perhaps not." Shizuru could accept that much, even if she didn't agree with it. "Aki, it's alright if you don't live a conventional life, but there are fine lines you must be careful of." Shizuru wondered at all if Natsuki to the time to instill social normality, teaching her children at least the core fundamentals. "Women have a place, and so do men. We don't belong in their world, and that means that fighting back can be dangerous."

"Only if it's you." Aki's snark of a reply filled with mild annoyance, graced Shizuru's ears. "Mom and Nao wouldn't be telling me that...they wouldn't like it, but they'll let me do what I want. Besides, being afraid of guys, is just stupid when you know you can take them on. If they learn their place, I'll leave them alone."

"Sometimes, your mother is lenient, when I would not be." In fact, Shizuru felt the urge punish such irrational actions, but she knew Natsuki of all people wouldn't like it. It wasn't her place to do so. "There are days Aki, when I believe you want to be this way, when you desire nothing more than to be hurt by your own blindness." No, she couldn't scold the girl, but that didn't ease her own temper, well concealed though it was. "Granted, I grew up in a strict household. My father was a heavy handed man, and my mother knew only to speak when he requested. I was raised with such an ideal in mind." Shizuru bit back a shuttering sigh. "What you just did, is something I will never understand." Men were the ones in charge, they ruled everything...in that way, Shizuru found them to be an intimidation. "I know only to bow to them, and that is why I could never fall in love with one."

"Great, you're a man hater?" Aki didn't know what to think about that. "I don't get what's up with you, people are idiots sometimes." Though her bleeding had begun to stop, she rolled her eyes. Escape wasn't something she could have right about now, and she wanted dearly out of the car. "If you're afraid to throw a few punches and take a few names, then yeah, there are a lot of guys that'll get one over on you. I'm not going to be used by that...guys like that are stupid anyway, they deserve to be hit." Not all of them were bad though, and Aki knew that. "Being afraid of some little punk, that's just dumb."

"I'm not afraid of young boys." Shizuru sighed, she knew Aki was treading a little on the wild side. "I fear grown men, Aki. Strong males who have power, and enough clout to back them up. The type of man I'm afraid of isn't the type like your brother, and not even a man like Tate." No, she feared those who had a name, and lawyers...backing in high places. "Your father is the type of man I'm afraid of." Finally home, she put the car into park, and slid out her key. "He's the kind of loathsome male who sees women as property. I was to be married off early in my life, to a gentleman many years my senior." It was something she hated to discuss. "He was chosen for me, and I was to be married, instead of finishing off my high school diploma."

"So, that's the kind of life we would have lived." Aki understood the implication like the dark undertone that it was. "How many times?"

"Several." Shizuru shuttered as she tried to breath normally. "Out of wedlock, but my betrothed expected it of me...and like the woman I was expected to be, I complied with his every wish." It was how easily she was thrown away, that bothered her the most. "When I found out I was pregnant, it was still several months before the wedding. The math would have been shameful, the implication itself would have been a scandal, let alone that I was not yet eighteen. My father however, cared more about smooth alliances, rather than what I wanted in my life." Still when she turned to look at Aki, she could see that Aki was so far removed from the situation, the true horror was lost on her. "I was left with a choice that I wasn't proud to make, but as it turns out, it's my conformity that saved me...it's what gave you the luxury to grow up with Natsuki as your mother."

Yet, as Shizuru said it, she wanted to deny everything, and laugh it off. Aki didn't understand, not truly...but perhaps that was a godsend Shizuru herself would never be aware of.

"Come...we should get you some ice." Shizuru felt numb when she thought about her past, Natsuki was really the only saving grace to any of it. Aki followed her inside of the quaint home Shizuru had taken care to sculpt into a sanctuary. This home was proof that she'd never have to deal with her family again. It was proof she had long ago escaped such sad times.

The pause was not uncomfortable, but it was not warm either. "Is that why you like women?" Aki wondered that. "Because men were assholes?" If Shizuru hated men so much now, Aki assumed that women were her only means of comfort. "It would be okay, if that's the reason."

"Oddly enough, it isn't." Shizuru had fished out some ice cubes from the freezer and had wrapped them in a cloth. "Ever since I was little, I've always thought women were beautiful. As I got older, I just happened to take notice of them a little more often than one would deem necessary." Shizuru smiled softly then, as she handed it over to Aki. "I would assume, if left to my own devices growing up, I would have found myself a nice, well to do young woman. It just so happened that my father was a narrow minded bigot, who had sexist ideals." It might have been asking for trouble, but Shizuru had been wondering about that. "What about you? What type of person do you find an interest in?"

Aki flinched at the cold ice. "I dunno." The question was also something she felt unsure about. "No one takes any interest in me, so why should I care about them?"

"Surely you've noticed something." Shizuru smirked then. "You're a healthy young girl, aren't you?" She couldn't help take amusement in Aki's blush. "If you had a crush, what would they be like?"

"It isn't a crush." Aki said quickly, averting her eyes to the floor. "I see qualities in a person that I admire...if I could find qualities like that in another person, it would be kinda cool." It was incredibly embarrassing, but it was also something new to her. "Sometimes though, I think about if those qualities were in another person, and then I realize, they wouldn't compare." She'd never really sat around and gossiped before, not like this. "I think, because of that, I shouldn't worry about things like crushes right now. It would only let me down." Still her guard was up, and this was yet another way to test the woman in front of her. "Before, you said something...about someone being well to do...but mom isn't like that."

"No, she isn't." That was perhaps the most amusing thing in Shizuru's mind, as it tickled her fancy. "Perhaps, in truth, that's why I'm drawn to her." Natsuki was often stuck wearing things that simply didn't compliment her figure, her line of work didn't allow it. She was often stuck wearing a hat of some nature, and that obscured her beauty even more. "Your mother is every bit a woman, but, there's sometimes this aspect that comes out. She has a charm about her than most women of a higher class simply don't have." Freedom...Natsuki wasn't stuck in the lines of being prim and proper. "The rougher edges of her personality, and yours, are something of a gift."

"I think that's elusive." Aki muttered then. "It isn't a gift when people don't like it."

"You said before, that sometimes you wonder if you should really be a girl...that being a boy would have suited you better, so you could explain why you get into trouble." Shizuru sighed, Aki did have that type of charm to her, that boyish rebellion. "This is just who you are, gender really doesn't have that large of a apart to play." Though, it was the luxury of living in the middle class, that allowed such a thing. "If you were raised just as I had been, perhaps there would be some truth to that statement." Aki hadn't been surrounded by dressmakers, tea ceremonies, and other extravagant ideals a girl of high class would be forced into. "But you weren't...you know nothing of the prejudices of the upper class, and you can define yourself because of that."

"I admire Nao..." Aki said quickly, the blush tinging her cheeks. "She's always loyal, and yeah, people don't always like what she does, but they always see her for who she is." Aki wanted to be like that, or at least have a friend of that nature. "If I could find a boy, or girl with half of Nao's qualities...they'd be perfect for me. They would understand me, and I would understand them pretty well too." Aki hadn't found a person like that,she knew she never would. "But, I can't compare anyone to Nao...she's the only person I know who's like that."

…  
(Natsuki POV)

I'm not one for taking matters lightly...

I remember thinking about all of the difficulties, and worrying about weather or not Aki should be told the truth. I knew for sure Kane would be a non issue over time. I've always liked that trait about him, still there are times I feel as if he hides behind that exterior of his. Kane is aloof in the best of times, so he can be hard to read, and often times, people can't understand him. However, unlike Aki, he's managed to maintain friends...my little wallflower can't seem to do that.

I was hesitating at first, but I always wanted to remain hopeful that Aki would come around. I wanted Aki to find someone else she could confide in, someone unlike Nao and myself.

When Aki was younger, I prayed she'd latch onto Mai. I wanted Aki to be soft and care free...I wanted her eyes to see all of the good, instead of all of the bad. I had been hoping Mai would give Aki some measure of calm, and perhaps teach the girl some form of womanly ideals. Aki just wasn't interested in Mai's way of doing things, and while Aki is close with Mai...the carrot top doesn't hold a candle to Nao. I think that's because Nao has always been the one loitering around, and welcomes the same of the twins...and lack of decent morals.

I don't take an issue with it, because it's Nao...as odd as that sounds.

If it were anyone else, I wouldn't trust them, but Nao's intentions are pure, even when her reactions aren't. Sure, she may be able to spit venom at a moment's notice...but that's Nao's way. Sometimes, that vicious tongue of hers, sends barbs in all of the right places. She dares to say what few others would dare to try. Aki needs that sometimes, that wake up call, the morality check. Nao can do that when others can't, I believe in that harshness. I have faith in every sip of booze she gives Aki, there's a taste of bitter reality and truth mixed in. Nao is a hard clash, and her personality is strong, but I know that had been the key for a while. It spoke volumes for Aki's sake, and honestly, Aki has always favored Nao.

I should be bothered by that, but I'm not. I think she can relate better with Nao, and I also think, though Nao refuses to admit it, that she feels a sort of maternal protectiveness of Aki. Not that she doesn't want to protect Kane, but, she's always kept her eye on Aki more so, going so far as to following her around at night, fearing Aki's safety when she was a few years younger. Nao is a very odd mix of one of those helicoptering type of parents, while at the same time, sort of throwing the child into the deep end of the pool as it were. Nao's way of doing things crass, but effective.

Aki has a sort of worship for Nao, and flocks to that pain in my ass, as a bee would to a flower.

Needless to say, it was a complete shock for me, when I'd noticed that Aki had begun to sneak out more and more, seeking the attention of someone other than my catty best friend. It didn't happen right away, and I know if I ever approach Aki about it, she would deny every single thing. I'd bet she'd be pissed that I took an interest at all, she would probably bite my head off. She didn't want me to know she was visiting Shizuru.

At first it was little things, the way her eyes would look out the window, as if seeking a hint. The way she'd smell of tea, and less of smoke...it was also a great shock when I'd see her climbing the fence between our back yards, especially knowing that on a weekend Aki would normally have better things to be doing in the morning. If those were the only hints though, I would have overlooked it entirely. It was the fact that a repetition had begun amongst two very similar people, that gave away Aki's newly found companion. It was as if they conspired secretly, to keep me out of the loop, or at least, Aki wished it that way.

So, I played my role well, even today, as I saw her hop the fence...bluntly speaking, I drank my coffee and pointedly ignored it.

There is something interesting about the bonding that Kane and Aki have taken upon their own shoulders. Kane doesn't have a particular love for gardening, and yet, I see him doing it a few times a week, if only to share in Shizuru's presence. Aki, during her time, seems to hold up in the kitchen, though I've no idea what they're doing. I can tell they spend some time cooking, only because the smell of charred, often burnt food, seems to mingle with edible delicacies. Shizuru's refuses to tell me, and Aki quite bluntly tells me to keep my nose out of it, so I've decided not to ask anymore.

Blind faith tells me it's just stupid to try anyway.

Just as I need Shizuru in my life for my own reasons, Kane and Aki are beginning to discover their own. I don't know what their relationship with her will become, if they will ever see her as a mother, or merely an acquaintance. I doubt however, that I would ever be told, if that were the case. That isn't the type of thing Kane would announce, and Aki would never say it, due to her own pigheaded pride. Still, the time they take out from their own lives to forge any sort of bond, is something that means the world to Shizuru.

I can honestly tell that.

…

Natsuki sighed as she finished doing the last of the household's dishes, no small feat when she left them idle for any length of time. Her home was well lived in, and never spotless. Clutter always found a place among them, and while Natsuki didn't mind, she was a bit tired from her double shift. She couldn't have asked Kane to do it, he was on bathroom and laundry detail this week, along with preparing for entrance exams, he was studying hard. Aki was off in hiding someplace, but one glance out of the window indicated she wasn't with Shizuru...that meant she was off hiding someplace with Nao.

Aki's grades had come in recently. A sad state of affairs at best, at worst, they were abysmal. Aki finally had let out a string of invectives that surprised even Nao, before storming out of the house in a fit of blind rage. Natsuki couldn't blame her though, countless hours of studying wouldn't save her, and that failure was something Aki didn't want to accept. She couldn't expect to put more chores on Aki right now, the poor girl was busy trying to figure out if she would endure school yet again, or simply drop out and get a job.

Natsuki bit her lip and sighed in frustration, dearly wishing she could just escape into a warm, impassioned embrace. One that only Shizuru could give. She wanted to taste something other than the bland tea she kept in the cupboard. It wasn't good enough to quench her thrust, but she supposed that was the painful joy of being in love.

Life was not so forgiving, Natsuki knew, because Shizuru had other things that were occupying her time. Most of all, a busy week pondering over many thick tomes and other materials, kept Shizuru's normally bold advances away. Natsuki suppressed a curse when she thought about the lonely evening she would spend with the house quiet. She much rather preferred the ruckus and arguing that filled the halls when Aki was on one of her vocal tirades. Her daughter was so full of spunk, and intended to be heard, even if the others around her decided to take offense to it. Yet tonight wasn't met with a single peep, and Natsuki had a few moments of calm.

Unnerving...pointless...calm.

She was nearly praying for Nao to come stumbling through the door drunk, because at least that would have provided her some entertainment. It wouldn't happen though, she knew that well, so she decided some attention to detail was in order. She didn't often have time to play idly with thoughts in her head, or muse about different outcomes. Natsuki knew first hand that she was not often a deep individual, mostly because dwelling took her to bad places she dared never to venture into.

Memories were a fickle thing, but so too, were the facts surrounding each and every joyous memory she'd ever had.

It wasn't that Natsuki didn't enjoy solitude, but when it went on for more than just a few hours, it seemed deafening. Still, she had little else to do as she meandered into the the living room. Even the television was devoid of anything with real merit. Sitcoms were well and good, but they seemed uncaring of reality...the reality shows failed in deliverance, only gifting drama that lesser minds could be absorbed in. Natsuki knew better. Just as she wanted nothing to do with explanations within her own life, she couldn't stand seeing the publicity of some poor sap, feeding redundancy into the eager eyes of viewers everywhere.

It drove her crazy, when even the late night animation that was geared more for adults, showed little more than a shallow cesspool. Natsuki turned it off immediately.

She wondered why she felt particularly bothered by those things only when she was alone. Only when she had no one to sit with, talking about the lack of common decency. Natsuki knew, of course, that part of it was a pained truth about her life, having missed out on those little, sinful pleasures for a good portion of her teenaged youth. So, it came to no surprise, that as an adult, she hadn't any use in things like that. Natsuki was a collector of many things, clothing being one of her first, and foremost on her list, especially undergarments. It was not her only collection, there were other things she stored in mass as well.

Old, withered, and abandoned books also occupied her time. Tomes written in a past long ago, often forgotten by the youth of modern days. As Natsuki flipped through one, reading the words for a countless time, she realized how fond she was of repetitious things, even thought it would seem like quite a task to read, and reread the same book over several years. She supposed it was the way she'd spent idle time in the past. It was much easier to pilfer a book, than it was any sort of electronic device. She had to fill up her lonely hours with something...books had become that thing early on.

Natsuki's eyes were so focused on the yellow pages, ones that were soft under her fingertips, that she hadn't noticed the time speeding by, nor that she'd had a visitor, until after she found cool hands perched at her shoulders. "It's after two in the morning." Shizuru's voice was tired, and smoky with an unlit passion. One barely there, hidden under the depths. "I thought you'd be in bed by now."

"I thought you'd be asleep." Natsuki replied quietly, unsure if she wanted to disturb the peacefulness attained only in a quiet setting, now that she had grown accustom to it. "You need your rest." She put her book down only after sliding in her bookmark.

"It seems that I need Natsuki more." Dressed in only her nightgown, with her robe hanging over her shoulders, she hadn't put any thought to the others that might see her in such a state. "I can't sleep unless I know you're near. Even if I do pass out for a few hours, it isn't restful. When I wake up, I hate the feeling that the other side of my bed is cold." Shamefully, she lowered her eyes. "Your scent lingers in places, so when you aren't there, it's lonely. Especially because I know you could be, that you're not far away at all." Still, that wasn't the worst part. "There are nights I go to bed alone, like tonight, and when I wake up, I want to be touched. I want to hear you breathe softly in your sleep...anything to feel like I'm not alone again."

Their love was undefined, this come and go attitude was taking it's toll on both of them. "At first, I thought I could do this. That I could live in the best of both worlds." But she couldn't. There came a difficulty with living life so differently from the rest of the world. Natsuki didn't come with labels, or definitions, and as free as it seemed, as easy going as it was, the price was also a difficult one. "I need something concrete. I need to know you're going to be where I need you, when I need you." She released a shaky sigh. "Bluntly speaking Natsuki, I need to know where we stand." She couldn't take the booty calls anymore, though the release was something she needed more than she let on. She couldn't take the days of mindless banter, if she had no idea where that banter might take them. She couldn't live with such a life, one little more than uncertainty at best.

Natsuki stood, feeling the weight of such a thing. It was bothering her as well. "Sometimes, I wish I knew." It was so easy to keep people at arms length, but Shizuru was one of the few she felt a dire need to keep near by. Still, as that ache slammed into her gut like an oncoming train, so did the venom of knowing she'd become dependent on someone so fully. "I don't like it, that I need you as much as I do." The past few hours alone had been driving her bonkers, she knew if they shared a home, and their lifestyle completely, she wouldn't be so restless. "I'm possessive, when I find something I want." Just like in her teen years, when she took the twins under her wing. "So when I can't see where you are, when I don't know if you'll come back..." She was feeling the same way now.

There were many people who'd proven their undying loyalty, but Shizuru hadn't been one of them. Not yet, not with something it would take years to do. "I keep people at arms length so that I don't feel this way...so that I don't truly need them." And yet, she'd allowed Shizuru to get that close. "I fucked up, this time."

Shizuru shook her head, the vulgarity could easily be ignored this time. She could see wavering in Natsuki's stance. The frightened look in emerald eyes. A rejection would slowly kill her from the inside. Pressing forward into a territory they had not yet dared to cross, just might trigger some unpleasant things. Natsuki was on the highest alert, as if she were ready barricade a path, or, perhaps even run away herself. Fleeing entirely from the thick want that graced the room. One not entirely sexual, but not innocent either.

This was a game they'd played before, the first time they'd had sex...it wasn't making love back then, that was for sure.

The hard romp that took place in Shizuru's living room, had only occurred because of a broken truth. Shizuru knew they would have taken things much slower if they hadn't been looking for a way to cut the pain away from them as quickly as possible. This was one of those heart pounding, definable moments. One that would make or break them, but Shizuru could see the real difficulty of the question. It lingered in Natsuki's eyes. Shizuru wasn't a kept woman anymore, she'd walked out on that life long ago. She didn't have any desire to be cadged, and Natsuki seemed to have held the greatest respect for that wish. The fear however, was real, and Shizuru realized Natsuki had never actually recovered from her fears of abandonment, she just knew how to hide it.

Somehow, Natsuki had become an expert at it.

"You weren't the only one, Natsuki." Shizuru could see that now. If she agreed to be with Natsuki in such a manner, to move passed their barrier into something much more definable, an explanation wouldn't be the only thing they'd gain. There would be a clear ownership, Natsuki would be hers...but she would also be Natsuki's. "I'm sorry, I didn't see it." Still, their old habits that died hard, it was their only true solace. Taking off her robe was something easy to do, but to take the gown that was draped over her body and pull it over her head, well that was quite a bit more difficult.

It wasn't the first time her body had been on display, but, it was the first time she'd even considered letting herself slip into a completely monogamous relationship. It was the first time she ever considered trusting another person to take care of her. It was even the first time she'd ever promised herself to someone so fully, because she wanted to be that person.

Never before in her life, had someone come along so deserving of such a thing.

The muted thud, wasn't met with a lustful gaze, and Shizuru closed her eyes for a moment, wishing it was going to be easier than this. "I can be yours, Natsuki." Shizuru said then, her voice trembling not of being cold, but of the raw emotion within this admittance. "Just don't break me...don't use me. I can't handle that a second time." Natsuki was not appraising her like a prize to be one, or merely an object for personal gain. Natsuki had never looked at her with intent in mind.

"I'll love you, Shizuru." Natsuki said then, going over to the woman who was giving her all in hopes it would be enough. "That means I'm not allowed to hurt you. I promise that I won't."


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: This is the last chapter in this story, and I hope you all like it. Thank you to those who followed, reviewed, and enjoyed this fiction...just as I enjoyed the time I spent getting it written up, and posted. I hope this fulfilling for you all, even if it is more fluffy and a bit haphazard rather than anything.

I don't own Mai HiME/Mai Otome.

* * *

**White Fence  
Chapter 10**  
(Natsuki POV)

I'm not the type of person to really think about things, because thinking drags me into places that I'd rather not be. There are times, however, that I like to casually mull over a topic, normally while working, since work keeps me from obsessing. That's why I talked to Nao so much...it was also why I was a bit hesitant really, to acknowledge my want for another child. Being at home gets dull, and baby can't compare to the company of an adult, one who's able to speak...or in Nao's case, at least bash me upside of the head.

I wanted to have something though, that would reflect my own image...a child that was not a charity at first, but rather, merely my desire and whim to have one.

People say it takes a strong person to love a child that is not their own...but I find that if you can't love a child, that you must be a very sad human. Children are all in need of the same things that adults need. Food, water, a warm place to sleep at night. Kindness...basic things that anyone can provide. That alone will give a child the means to grow up just fine. You could sit there, and question every little detail, or disciplinary action in the book, but, I'd much rather just tell people to burn those stupid self help guides. The more help you have, the more jaded people seem to get. I understand that now.

I guess I just wanted to be a little selfish.

I don't have to give my reasons, or my answers for my life to anyone. They're my own to have. Screw anyone who even dares to say otherwise. My life isn't perfect, in fact, it's even more crazy now than ever before. There's not a method to the madness anymore, because I haven't quite gotten that far. A day at a time is about the best you can do in this household. Aki and Kane are strong personalities, and Shizuru isn't any pushover. With Nao sending random spats of fire into the mix, you can be assured that keeping any pretense of order, or at least civility, is mostly out of the question.

I don't know why, but that doesn't surprise me.

Eventually things will simmer down...though, I think things will pick back up again as well, sooner or later...newborns don't talk back, they don't fight with you, they don't learn ways to drive you crazy. In a few years, this time right now will have been a fleeting memory, and god only knows how Rin will be as she grows older. Perhaps she'll be the calm, obedient child...but, I have a bad feeling, since she has my genes and all, that she'll be a hellion worse than Aki. I wouldn't mind it, if that happened.

Actually, I'd probably prefer it...it would keep things interesting. At least then, I know I wouldn't have to worry... I've come up with a simple theory that Aki and Kane have both taught me. Though, if you want to dig down deeper you find the answer you were looking for anyway. Nao, Mai and and I were all the same in those ways too...our family is living proof, very obscure though it is.

It comes down to simply this: Kids with bite, turn out alright.

…

"And so, after a lot of working around obstacles, she finally agreed to move in." Natsuki smiled softly as she sat in her rocking chair, easing it back and forth in a gentle motion. "She sold her house to Mai and Tate, who needed the space. Nao and I had to pull a lot of strings to renovate the space, we couldn't do it all on our own, but finally it got done." The fussing of the newborn in her arms was something of a mystery to the man she hadn't seen in several years. "Eventually, I guess you could say, everything just sort of clicked into place."

"Yeah it looks like it." The man agreed, having seen for the first time, in a long time, his friend actually smile. "Nao told me things were different, but I guess, I never thought this would turn out so well for you."

"Trust me, I didn't either." Natsuki laughed, knowing that he was still honestly dumbfounded. "There were a few times I really thought things just weren't going to work out. Though, Nao was really hesitating about a lot of things too." Either way, it didn't matter. Everything had eventually come full circle, even for Nao's personal life, which had been staggering up until recently. "I'm just sorry that I couldn't tell you about all the stuff that happened. I wanted to contact you sooner."

"No, don't be." The man laughed then. "I always knew you wouldn't end up with me...it's alright though." With a beer in his hand, and a bright smile on his face, he had found that Natsuki was doing just fine, well enough without him. "I think it's kinda cool, how things turned out and all." He couldn't deny, Natsuki had done well for herself. "I only wish Nao would have told me sooner." Even as he said that, he marveled at the little one Natsuki was trying to soothe. "She likes to keep things quiet I guess...Nao's always hiding something, at least it seems like it."

"You know how she is. I thought it was a little odd when she'd come to work smelling of some random scent." Natsuki said then softly, when a shake of her head. "Nao's just paranoid or something. The fact she's even interested at all, well, that's gotta count for something, right?" Natsuki still thought it was a bit odd, but he was a good man, and he would look after Nao, that was for sure. "Besides, someones gotta get rid of all of that pent up frustration."

"She does have a lot of that." Takeda noted dryly.

It wasn't a moment later that a clatter sounded from the other room. "Fuck you too, assholes!" Nao shouted from the top of her lungs. "I can hear ya, idiots..."

"Hush, before you wake up the baby." Shizuru's voice was much quieter in the kitchen as she proceed to scold Nao. "You know I don't like it when you use such words."

"See?" Natsuki smirked then. "Nao's always been that way, Takeda. You can't really expect her to be any different." Though the words were meant in jest, there was a soft truth there as well. As she looked down at her youngest child in her arms, barely a few weeks old, it was all Natsuki could do, not to laugh at Nao's constant swearing. "She'll come around...she always does." Short wisps of midnight hair peaked out from under the cap that kept the baby's head warm. "Nao's always had a soft spot for a family...she'll want one of her own, if you give her the time to really think about it."

"Speaking of that, what made you decide to actually get pregnant?" Takeda asked, still unsure of that detail. In fact, when Nao had all but dragged him into the house, he hadn't been expecting to see the abode so filled with love and family. It was a drastic change from the person he knew so long ago. A leather jacket exchanged for a burp cloth...A bottle of beer all but extinct for a bottle of soda. This woman had changed drastically, it was still the same ole Natsuki under the surface. "This is all a bit...much."

"It's a crap shoot...I know." she chuckled then, it was really heartwarming to see him. "A lot of things came to mind, actually. I don't have time to tell you about that tonight though, I wish I did. I'll bet we'll be seeing you around a lot more now that you're dating my best fiend. I can explain that one another time."

"Speaking of that, shut up, and give me that kid." Nao was still with her usual vulgarities as she demanded the infant.

"Alright, baby addict..." Natsuki was snide, but not out of truly being mean. At Takeda's raised eyebrow she merely blabbered the one thing that embarrassed Nao the most. In fact, she would never admit it outwardly. "She loves kids, even if she doesn't act like it."

"One more remark, and I swear I'll punch you in the damned face." She would too, it wouldn't be the first time she'd clobbered Natsuki, and it wouldn't be the last. One peak at her watch told her they didn't have time for fighting tonight, no matter how much apart of their routine it was. "If you don't get ready for your outing soon, Kane will be pissed." Nao, like an old pro at the task, held the baby with ease...as if she hadn't been petrified of them in her younger years. She watched as Natsuki slipped on her shoes, and got both her coat, and Shizuru's.

"There's some breast milk in the-" Natsuki had to duck when a soft toy went flying in her direction. "Really?" Natsuki grumbled as she blacked the next toy with her hands. Nao kept flinging them. "You're a jackass."

"If you don't hurry, you'll miss his tournament, and then I'll have to explain why his mothers had their heads up their asses." Nao grumbled, waving off the stern look Shizuru flashed her way. "We got this covered, so go."

"Are you sure it's really alright to leave her with Nao?" Shizuru asked looking back at the door as Natsuki ushered them both outside. One of the toys managed to follow them, Nao's aim was quite good. "Mai's right next door, we could have asked her. Actually, sometimes I wonder if we should start doing that. It seems like a better idea." She took the time to pick it up, carrying it with her to the car. "Nao's okay, but sometimes, she worries me."

"Nao has it covered." Natsuki wasn't a fan of the new minivan, purchased several months back, but she needed something more functional than the truck. "She used to watch Aki and Kane, after all." In fact, there wasn't anyone Natsuki would rather have, though, Mai was a close second. "There isn't anyone better than Nao, trust me."

"You know I do." That was never the problem. "It just isn't ideal to have her less than wonderful vulgarity all over the house. Nao is quite colorful, you have to agree."

No, perhaps it wasn't ideal, but it was normal. Still, Natsuki just leaned over, giving Shizuru a reassuring kiss before she started up the car. "Nao knows what she's doing, Even if she doesn't act like it."

…  
(Natsuki POV)

Life took a turn for the obscure, after Shizuru and I had a rather difficult night of confessions. I guess that things just came full circle...they were bound to do it, sooner or later. I just thought it would be later...much, much later.

I'd like to say that we overcame a lot of our differences, and that our household became a happy one easily. I'd like to say that Aki quit school almost immediately, and then, after that, she found an internship with Nao and I. I would even like to say Kane got into one of his top choice high schools. Hell, if I was one of those brainless twats who thought life would always be greener on my side of things, I would go so far as to say that life seemed to perfect from the get go...

That's just not how life works...and that's not what happened.

Shizuru did move in, and Aki did quit school. Though, that's were the perfect dream ends, and reality hits home. Turns out, it's a lot easier to be a couple when you live in a different space. You can walk away, go home, and live your own life. When you share a life, things get a bit different. You have to be careful, and considerate. Every single word becomes harder to deal with. Occasionally, we forget, even now, what it means to be just a little softer about our reactions. We fight, like every couple does...we have make up sex a lot, because of that...but we understand, war is apart of family.

There is a lot of that in this house now...more than I want to admit sometimes.

I was pretty easy going, I didn't keep strong tabs, I didn't need to do it. Now however, Shizuru does. Aki doesn't like that one bit. To Shizuru's credit, she's getting close enough now to Aki, that she can finally break through to her...sometimes better than Nao can. Sometimes...but not always. Though, Aki did take out her eyebrow piercing, and got rid of all of coloring in her hair...she's actually begun to dress like a young lady, and not some cheep punk off the street. Boys have started to notice her, and because of that, I've noticed I have a temper about the ones she brings home.

If only she could meet the right kind of guy...and let's face it, I'm not asking for much. I don't want her to run into some perfect catch or anything...basic morals, that would be all I want. It's easier said than done...she's into those bad boy types right now. The type of person that she thinks she can relate with...or save, I'm not quite sure which. Either way, Aki doesn't go to school anymore. She is interning, but it's with our boss, Midori. The same woman who taught me the ropes, is also teaching Aki. That's both a good thing, and my nightmare.

Midori likes to drink you see...and she likes copious amounts of it...and often...the more the better.

It's not like I care if Aki drinks...but with Midori? Yeah, not so good of an idea. She's going to get Aki into trouble if this keeps up, lord knows she got Nao and I both into our fair share of it. I dunno, I can't begrudge Midori for it. In fact, I'm kinda happy she's taking Aki under her wing. Though, no one can't blame me for worrying about her either. Shizuru isn't at all pleased with it, and I have to get between a lot of shouting matches, ones Midori encourages.

Kane never did get into his top choice high school, he had made a list, but he just never got in. Those tests were harder than he expected them to be, and the ones he did pass, he found out quite quickly those schools were no place for him. In the end, I think he liked the idea of going away, more than he did the truth of actually being away from home. He attends a small high school, about twenty minuets away. He likes it, but it wasn't any of his choices on the list he'd made. They have a kendo club, and, he managed to get noticed.

He's made friends there, and he's okay with it, so that's what counts.

I still haven't met his boyfriend, though, I know that boy is also in the same club. In fact, that's why Kane agreed to go to the school in the first place. He claims that he's keeping his relationship closeted, mostly because his boyfriend prefers it that way. I can't say that I mind, so I stay out of it, respectfully. That includes when they're both in Kane's room doing god knows what. I know they're being safe, so that's what counts. Kane's never failed to ask me when he needs more protection, so I know he's okay.

So...that's where my life is...not exactly perfect...and always a total mess. The thing is, without all the ruckus, life would just suck. Though trust me, it's insanely tiresome on the best of days, and on the worst, I wonder why I'm not fit to be tide and gagged. The fighting, the baby screaming every few hours...or god forbid, not sleeping at all at night...Nao's addictions, Mai's gossiping, and Shizuru's constant need of a sex life, and you can guess just how much time I have to normally collect my thoughts before something else goes haywire.

Zip, zero, zilch...that's right...none!

…

The pounding on the door was common, but Natsuki didn't dare open it as she put her face down into the pillow. "It's unlocked!" She called. It was a new, but fundamental installment on all the doors, locks a precious thing nowadays.

"Yeah, sorry. I'll get out in a second." Aki had come in with only a plain white bra and panties on, rummaging though Natsuki's clothes. "I totally ripped my shirt today." Aki told her, though her crimson eyes were focused on all of the hanging sets of shirts and work jeans. "I was going to kill Midori, but she said not to sweat it. She's taking me shopping tomorrow, so I'll be home from work late." A glance over her shoulder told her that her mom was listening, but not registering what she was really saying. "Anyway, I have this gathering tonight, so I need to bum something decent."

"Who's going?" Natsuki muttered, trying to stay awake. Quirking an eye open she grumbled. "And for the love of god, stay away from the white, black and red, Aki. They make you look easy..." Natsuki was always particular about her choices of underwear, and had recently began to comment on Aki's choices as well.

"It's a group from work. It was Midori's idea to go clubbing. Nao's going with Takeda, and I'm hooking up with a blind date that Nao says would be good for me." In Aki's hand, she's already nabbed a tight, short skirt that she knew Natsuki only ever wore if there was nothing else available, of if she wasn't allowed to wear jeans. She actually hated most of her skirts, but this particular one was denim, so she didn't mind it. "These look fine, don't they." Aki questioned, looking down at her underwear.

"You don't want to know." That was Natsuki's answer, in and of itself. "Is this date a boy or a girl?"

"I don't know, Nao didn't tell me." Aki shrugged, this really was the first she'd heard of it, when Midori had all but ordered them to go. "It's a casual thing though."

"Well that doesn't do me a damned bit of good." Natsuki shook her head before reaching into the drawer at her bedside, grabbing a few dental dams and a condom. "The jackass could at least tell me, so I know what I'm dealing with." She yawned before dragging herself over to the closet, picking out the black shirt she knew Aki was looking for. "Here, take these in case you need them. About your question earlier, white just isn't good for a date."

Natsuki had a bad habit on going on obsessive sprees about collections, and underwear was one of her favorite topics. "It shows a lot if you let it, and those cotton ones just feel weird." Even in a sleepy stupor, she loved to impart her wisdom. "The silky ones are soft, and so it's permissible if they cover more of you. Plus, the other ones just look better, if you're going to put on a show, don't do it halfheartedly...you have assets, use them. Don't worry about the lace either...go with that plain purple set...you know, the simple ones." That was the entire reason Natsuki had purchased the garments in the first place.

"You think I'm going to lose my virginity, don't you?" Aki muttered, her face turning pink.

"I hope to god not!" Natsuki fired right back. "But you need to start learning the ropes of this dating thing...one day, sooner or later, you will end up doing it with someone, and I'll be damned if you aren't prepared for that." Natsuki sighed, she had a lot less to worry about with Kane, she knew he could handle himself. Aki was a different matter entirely. "Keep your makeup light, and wear your good pair of running shoes, and then grab my old jacket from the back of the closet. If you're going to be out of Nao's vicinity, call me or text, just so I know."

"Nao was right...the two of you have done this before." Aki shook her head, a little embarrassed about that.

"All the time, when we were younger." Natsuki nodded. "Now hurry your ass up and get ready...being fashionably late only works when you can pull a good enough lie out of thin air."

Natsuki nearly collapsed into bed when Aki nodded, and promptly scurried away, mostly to avoid another underwear tirade. Natsuki had completely forgotten about the outing, she had been invited too, but even with maternity leave, it was still tiring her out enough as it was, without having to worry about the train wreck she knew would be any after hours party. She knew Nao would be there, and that's all she cared about. Nao would have her eye on Aki like a hawk, so, if that was the case, Natsuki could happily face plant into the bed for the rest of the night.

Sleep a blissful thing, if it could actually be attained.

It had only been a few minuets when Shizuru finally walked through the door of their bedroom, a soft click indicating she demanded privacy. "Rin's finally asleep."

"About time." The clock indicated it was late enough already, and in a few hours, she would make her displeasure known about food. "I'm surprised she's in the crib."

"That would be a novelty." Shizuru sighed, as she pulled down the covers to slide into bed. "She's actually with Kane, poor little thing fell asleep right in his lap."

"What's he doing up?" Natsuki was only just slightly surprised at that. Kane was usually the first to bed. "He has practice at six in the morning." He was also the first to rise, normally.

"I can't keep up with all of the games he plays." Shizuru shook her head. Try though she might, she couldn't ever follow them once anyone had a controller in hand. "I still don't know how anyone manages to hold a baby, and play on one of those contraptions at the same time."

"It's actually easier than it sounds." Natsuki had become a master at that, nap time was always, without a doubt, her gaming time. "She's little enough not to care...what I'm afraid of, is when she finds out you can press those buttons. Once she notices that things happen on the screen, we're all doomed." She knew once that happened, anyone's time of peaceful gaming would be long forgotten. "I give it only a few months at most...then next thing you know, she'll be kicking at things, and grabbing at them too. Gaming like that is going to suck, Kane won't be so willing then."

"No, I don't suppose he would." Shizuru laughed softly as she leaned into the warmth of Natsuki's embrace. "Though, by that time, we'll have to arrange a sitter, either that, or you admit defeat and retire."

"I like working." Natsuki was too tired to really be bothered with it at the moment, but in truth, she honestly loved the reprieve. "I'm not quitting that, besides I've already got it covered. She'll be coming to work with me at the office, there really isn't any trouble there she can get into."

"Oh, I'm sure there's plenty." Shizuru sighed, wishing that Natsuki would simply stay at home, but she knew that would likely not be the case. "If you want, I could quit mine...I have more flexibility than you do."

"Rin is coming to work with me." Natsuki stated again, softly but firmly. "Aki and Kane had to go with me every day when I first started working, and that was a total bitch...but, the office was good to them, and they'll be good to Rin too. Besides, with Nao and Aki there, isn't it really only fitting? I mean think about it, she'll be surrounded by family." She yawned then, and nuzzled closer. "Besides, the only real thing she could destroy would be Nao's desk...and that could prove comical."

…

Morning always went in one of two directions. Peaceful and quiet, or obnoxious and lewd.

There really were only the two extremes, and Shizuru hated the latter of the two outcomes. She wasn't quite sure what it was about Nao, and her tendency to turn even the most innocent of people into a spluttering sailor, but it was a gift Nao took pride in, on any given day. Having a new baby in the house was something that had also made mornings just a little more dreadful, mostly because if the baby was asleep, it was nearly impossible to keep it that way, and if Rin just so happened to be awake, she was normally fussy.

Shizuru had been up for a good long time now, having gotten up to make sure Kane was properly fed, and ready for his kendo practice. She'd even driven him to school since the sun had not come up, and that had taken up quite a good chunk of her morning. When she'd come home, Natsuki was dealing with Rin, having just fed the baby, and had been trying her hardest to lull Rin to sleep...a failing endeavor by a long shot. That was when things started to go down hill. Shizuru had just shooed Natsuki back up stairs, and had recently settled Rin down enough when the front door creaked open.

An annoyed Nao stumbling through, half asleep and spitting venom by merely a glance wasn't an uncommon sight. In fact, it was quite the normality. "Mine." Nao had all but plucked Rin out of Shizuru's arms, an action that happened by default, before passing out in the recliner, Rin falling asleep soon after she realized fussing wasn't going to save her.

Shizuru still hadn't quite figured out why that seemed to occur every morning, but had also been given an obscure explanation. According to Natsuki, old habits died hard...and old hard wiring never went away. Nao had apparently done this very same thing in the past too, right before the start of school. At least, that's what she was told by both Natsuki and Mai...Nao seemed never to have a recollection of it.

That was how the better part of two hours were spent though. Shizuru lucky enough to curl up with a good book and some warm tea in hand, while the rest of the household slept. She had also taken the time to do some quiet cleaning of the paperwork in the kitchen, and paying the newest set of bills. She'd even begun to disinfect the newly purchased baby gear from the store that they had bought only yesterday. Peace could not last forever in this household, and Shizuru was rudely interrupted as she began opening the packages.

"Jesus..." Even while half asleep, she still had the presences of mind casually swear. "What in the hell are you doing?" Nao couldn't believe her eyes when she saw the boiling water, and the binkies that were about to be put inside.

Shizuru took a calming breath, knowing today was going to be filled with Nao's lovely use of language. "Boiling them." Shizuru thought that would be obvious. "I have to sterilize them somehow."

"Screw the baby books." Nao muttered to herself, as she picked one up, and bushed it off with her shirt before popping it into Rin's mouth. "See? That works just fine...don't make life hard...kids eat dirt all the time anyway."

"That should be considered unhealthy." Shizuru didn't dare make a further comment as Nao rummaged around in the fridge with her only free hand. She only watched on, in dull fascination, as Rin lulled herself into mindlessness. The infant was clearly trying to fall back to sleep, but that wasn't working with Nao fumbling around. "If you're hungry, there's some deli meat in the cheese drawer. Sorry, but I haven't had the time to shop recently."

Nao just shook her head as she finally found a can of tomato juice shoved way in the back. "Nah, I'm not much of an eater this early in the morning." She had only come by to pick up Aki, a long day was ahead of them and the weather was looking grim. "If it rains, I'm gonna be pissed right off." Nao told Shizuru. "Damn storm clouds. There's a good chance of another downpour."

"It rained yesterday too." Aki had finally come down from her room, but she looked just as tired as Nao felt, and was twice as crabby. "And was it just me, or did all of our clients have thorns up their asses yesterday?"

"Ha! Probably, it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest!" Nao cackled at that, startling Rin for a moment before the baby stetted back down. "The boss won't be happy though, if I tell her we can't get up on the roof due to weather conditions. She almost had kittens when I told her we had to put the job on hold." Nao shivered at the thought. "If I get hit with once more piece of hail, just one more stupid little piece, I swear to god I'm going to-"

The sound of Shizuru's exasperated sigh cut Nao off. "Is it so much to ask, that we have a little common decency this early in the morning?" Shizuru took a long sip of tea, wishing dearly not to hear the morning vulgarities. "I mean really, can't we talk with pleasantries in mind?"

"Do we look pleasant to you?" Nao was always so vicious. "I don't know about Kiddo over there, but I'm almost off the red. There isn't anything pleasant about a bitch nearing heat."

"Nice to see that my family is full of piss and vinegar." Natsuki muttered as she finally came down the stairs. "Morning babe." She said, kissing Shizuru briefly on the lips before she began to fished around for something, anything to wake her up.

"Morning, dear." Shizuru finally gave up. She didn't know why it even bothered her, the same things always happened whenever Nao was around. Instead she fixated on her partner, and her lack of clothing as she strutted around in a pair of boxers, and a tank top. Shizuru was sure it would have even been less than that, if others hadn't been in the house. "You really should sleep in a little bit."

"I've been up since four, I just can't sleep." Natsuki shrugged. "That and my boobs hurt, but that's not anything new." She merely frowned a bit at the baby in Nao's arms. "I really wish she would take the bottle instead of my tit." Aki and Kane were easy, having no other real option when they had been babies. Not Rin though, who was unaware of the fact her mother wasn't at all happy with her stubbornness. "The sooner she decides she likes the bottle, the better."

"Fat chance." Nao told Natsuki, her blunt tongue still right at the forefront of everything she said. "She fights it every damned time...just get used to it Natsuki, you're screwed."

"Don't remind me." Natsuki grumbled as Nao passed her daughter over to her. "And that's another thing...this no sex while I'm healing thing is just a pure torture."

"Mom! I'm still in here...See? Right here, haven't gone anywhere!" Aki was mortified, but shook it off quickly enough. "Can we go, please?" Aki was all but begging Nao. "Like before they start trying to suck face? I'm already warped."

"Duly noted, wouldn't want to see a presentation of the birds and the bees, now would we." Nao smirked, putting her arm around Aki's shoulder. "We'll be late if we don't haul ass anyway."

Natsuki didn't even wave them off as she looked down into the bright eyes of her daughter. "Next time one of them gives you a bath, pee on her...she'll love that."

Shizuru could only shake her head, morning like this were never dull, but at least she could enjoy the quiet again, at least until Rin demanded otherwise.

…  
(Shizuru POV)

When I was little, I always liked to have this idea in my head, of what my future would be. I had a very large, but insipid family. I was the youngest of many sisters, and a single brother. My mother was often quiet, and knew better than to speak out of line. She was gentle, and always kind. My father was the stern one, he ruled the household with an ironclad fist. He would always make demands, and the servants, or my mother, would come rushing to his every whim. My sisters and I, all learned that was how women were supposed to act, and we were married off as he decided we should be, to men of his choosing.

It was a rather unhappy way to live, and being the youngest meant I was also the child that was left behind when everyone else had their future already within their grasp.

I was still quite young when I was left alone. So, I'll admit, I would play games, and pretend to be elsewhere. I wanted a dream, you see...a hopeless little dream of mine, that of course, I knew would never come true. How could it? After all, I knew I wouldn't get the things I wanted. However, like my sisters before me, I accepted that my childhood was fleeting, and that I was going to be a bride before I had even understood truly what it meant to be a woman.

I hadn't any needs to be fulfilled as a teen, at least, not the needs I was to fulfill for my betrothed. That wasn't exactly my wish, but I could not argue against the gentleman, nor could I possibly fight the will of my father, who wanted to ensure that I would be the wife I was expected to be.

I lived up to my expectations, albeit a bit earlier than expected.

The man I was to marry, had been married once before, but his wife was unable to conceive. After he found that out, he left her in search of a younger woman. One who would be fertile, and give him the one thing he wanted most. A son, a male to be the heir of all of his fortunes. While it was true that I came from a large family of mostly women, most of my sisters had already birthed children of their own, and many of them had at least one male, if not more. The only sibling I had, that had yet to produce a male heir, was my eldest sister. She had two daughters, and a third baby on the way.

Needless to assume, my father thought that I would be the one to honor his good friend's wishes...that i would give birth to a son easily.

Well, I guess, if you think about it, I did give that man an heir, even if it was out of wedlock. I did live up to his dreams, even if I didn't seem to do it on command. It's not my fault that he thought I was unable to continue to fulfill his needs as he saw fitting. Truth be told, I wanted nothing to do with him, or my father, after the ordeal anyway.

Coming from such a past, and stepping into a future such as the one I have now, one could call it perfection. Honest to goodness perfection. It's not anything like I dreamed, and it most assuredly isn't like my preconceived notions about the commoners around me. I make a large some of money, even on my own, and I had assumptions early on, about just what the world would be like.

That things were shattered though, when I met Natsuki.

The harshness, the hatred, the bitter truths, the little white lies that weren't so small...and least I forget, the low moral standards...they all seemed so horrifically cruel. More spiteful than anything I'd ever seen, more insipid than even my own family, who I viewed as the lowest life forms on the planet. I hated thinking that there was no hope for the foundations upon which I'd studied hard, wishing to understand why the world worked in such a way.

The very idea of anthropology interested me for that reason alone...I wanted to know why humans were such loathsome creatures by nature.

Yet, as I began to learn about the subtle cues of my past, the things I should have realized, but had not the courage to discover, I realize it was all very blatantly clear. That the harsh winds of the world doesn't exactly have an equality, and there isn't always mercy, but...that within the most unexpected of people, true honor can take hold of them. Hopes and dreams are not lost for good, and there is still a lingering presence to do good in this world. It is however, something that must be a striking force within a person.

A person can never truly do great things without a solid reason, an inspiration for which to do it. It is the truth of the world...every great man, or woman to ever have lived, did it because they truly believed in their cause. Noting the very term of 'greatness' as what it is. A vast means of something. Greatest evils, or greatest goods, are brought on by those who have such a determination so see that their own will be done...

I'd like to think, to a lesser degree, that's all anyone truly wants within their life. A dream, or at least, a hopeful outcome to take place. Surely, it takes more than sure force of willpower alone to achieve anything...yet isn't willpower the start? Isn't grasping hold of the ideal, and then striving to make it happen all apart of the mechanics? I'd like to believe that it is.

Furthermore, I wish to believe that within even in my earliest years, I was reaching for something not truly out of a fairy tail. That instead, I was reaching out for my hope, my thought of happiness. Trying perhaps, to discover the impossibilities of life, and the ways to make it happen...a way to achieve my goal.

So, that being said, being with Natsuki is nothing short of a godsend.

An impossibility of my youth, that turned into my future, because Natsuki had her own whims, her own wills to do as she saw fit. I had my own too...but the fact that we crossed paths, well, it is a blessing. It can't be studied, and statistics would yield depressing results. It wouldn't be considered possible, because, we're programed to have a one track mind.

But, impossibilities do happen.

I know now, there is no clear way...Natsuki is as haphazard as any single person can get, and her friends are much the same. I don't mind. I think, in fact, that I quite like it this way. There are times, I often have to bite the inside of my cheek, and calmly remind myself that this is merely the way things are. There are even more times when I sigh longingly, looking for an answer no one can seem to give me. Still, everything makes sense, in it's own obscure way, when I sit back and realize, Natsuki's world was not built by thinking...

Aki and Kane were not raised by the laws of everything, the lines were not clearly drawn, and never written in a cleanly designed note.

No...not at all.

Rather, it was scribbled in ink, and colored with blood, sweat, and tears...the outcome, I feel, is something yet to be determined...and yet, I do believe that is exactly as Natsuki wishes it to be. That everyone in her life approves of such a thing, and follows it as if it's a gift, and an effective law. So, now I find, at the end of my research...the end of my trail so to speak, that I've finally found my answer...although, I fear it would upset any true scholar.

How could I offer a blank page, and claim I've just found the meaning of everything...I can't place anything down on the white piece of paper. Not anything at all...

A remnant, a word, a blemish at all, would ruin the true meaning of a person such as Natsuki, and the world that I've now become apart of. I'm not on the outside looking in, I'm at the center of hoer world, as dizzying as it is...just as she has become the center of mine. I would not wish, or even dream for an instant, that it would be any other way. The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence, but, perhaps, it isn't meant to be...

No, surly it isn't...but that's just fine.

* * *

Yes, quite an uneventful, and an open ending...but I'd like to think that's how life is, when you really think about it. Anyway, guys, I hope you enjoyed this story, for what it was worth, and the ride it took you on...


	11. Update & Sequel Trailer

A/N: Hey all...for those of you who don't know. White Fence is being expanded upon, as two one shots have already been added very recently. If you enjoyed this story, I would recommend checking them out next. Also, keep your eyes pealed, because within the next week, the first chapter of the new sequel will be posted up. Below is a teaser trailer for it...so hope this excites you, I'm already several chapters ahead in wiring it, so I can tell you it's going to be a pretty upbeat, and a bit comical.

Anyway the next two one shots in this series are Dusty Bassinet and then First Comes Love...both completed, and both a good hint of things to come..anyway, I leave you guys, the teaser for the next fiction...hope to see you there :P

* * *

**Trailer for the sequel:**  
(Natsuki POV)

There really isn't much to tell, Takeda, even though I know you think there's some grand story.

I don't have much to say. I mean, I could bore you with trivial details, but really, would that be enough? I think not. Though, I did promise I'd tell you. I guess, if you really wanted, I could. There's nothing huge about it. At least, I don't think there is...okay, I guess it was a big deal at the time. Life is funny like that, isn't it? In the heat of the excitement, I guess it was quite a big deal...okay, it was a huge deal...but don't tell anyone that I can actually admit that.

Anyway, man, if I had to describe the experience, it would be like this:

Overwhelming in the best of times.  
Completely insane others.  
You feel like shit.  
You have highs.  
You have lows.  
Sometimes you eat crazy concoctions.  
Your bladder grows a mind of it's own.  
Sometimes you smell things, normally pleasant things, and you just want to keel over...because for whatever reason, you just can't take it.

Then, things start not to fit...and things with no give just don't feel good...you start to replace jeans with anything that has a drawstring, or a soft midsection...so you walk around in clothing that just isn't your style, because at least it doesn't feel restrictive...sometimes your forgo getting dressed at all and spend the day in your pajamas, because low and behold, you don't even care if you roll out of bed...yeah, sometimes sleeping isn't easy.

Oh, yeah...and you get dizzy, not often, but...well, I did, but I was an idiot. It all depends more on how much you over do it. I'm not used to just sitting around, and letting everyone else do things for me. At first, I made things difficult because of it. They say the first trimester is the absolute worst. I have to agree. I really do, it sucks. I'll bet if I would have taken it a little easier, rested just a little bit more than normal, then, I'm sure it wouldn't have been so bad. You know how it goes though, don't you? Anyway, that's not all that happens, and trust me, I wish it was...

Really...it gets complicated sometimes...

There are times that you just need people...I mean...really, really need them...Takeda. When you feel like no one cares, or understands. Even if you know better than to think it, sometimes you just can't help it. Yeah, you can rationalize it in your head just fine, but, it doesn't stop you from crying. It does weird things man...really weird things...all of that stuff, it's only the tip of the iceberg. It gets so much more personal than that.

Really...I kid you not.

Sometimes, your libido goes berserk, and others, you don't even want to think about sex. Your boobs will hurt sometimes, and others the baby will just kick around inside, and that's not always comfortable...I mean it gets to the point, sometimes, when you just want to be left well enough alone...oh, that?

All of that is nothing...I could say far worse.

Takeda...trust me, modesty is the least of my worries...and no shit it bothered me...but...well...listen, this entire pregnancy thing, it sort of robs you from at least some level of modesty. I mean, well...doctors do things, people see things...and there's a side of a person the comes out...it's not that it isn't really them...but rather, it's a personal side.

It just isn't something you can completely hide...so you get used to being embarrassed...either that, or...well, I don't know what you would do otherwise, besides walking around mortified all the time...I guess some people do that. Hell, I was tempted at first to do that.

It's delicate...  
Fleeting...  
Impossible...  
I don't know if I would call it magical...but...it's out of this world for sure...  
Yet, it's completely real...you can't stop the realities from crashing down around you...  
Sometimes, you don't even want to.

Anyway, Takeda...I don't have a problem telling you about it...because I promised that I would...but, only because I trust you.

* * *

So, there's your teaser trailer, if it looks like something you'll like keep an eye out, because that story will have chapter 1 posted within the week... So far, the total series lineup looks like this: (1)White Fence (2)Dusty Bassinet (3) First Comes Love (4)? (I guess you'll have to wait and see.)


End file.
